wow macintosh. the time to seek advice on this situation would have been prior to marrying your lovely man.
im sorry to say that your future does not look too bright unless you do some major adjustment and maturing, and fast.

I can understand some of your concerns about a spoiled step daughter, as I have one myself and met her at the same age as yours is now (7).
Mine is now 25 and it has been an ongoing hardship - mostly because I have to do the adjusting. But my stepdaughter was the product of a divorce.

Your SD has lost her mom. forever. Have you even lost a parent yet? I didn't think so.

Losing a parent as a young child is a fissure that can never be fully recovered from and one that will inform all of her life experiences.
The tone of your post is unsympathetic, and that I find alarming. Can you imagine that she is now powerless in having to share her dad, with someone who doesn't understand the depth of her loss - and who thinks she is spoiled to boot. Whether she is or she isn't it is none of your affair. The first rule of Stepping 101 is that you-- the step parent - that VOLUNTEERED for this - will have little control or power where issues of discipline or spending are concerned. If that doesn't sit well with you, you should work on it or admit you've made a mistake, apologize and go your own way.

You don't like spoiled children.

Im sure the seven year old doesn't like having a dead body for a mother.

We don't always get what we want.

But sometimes we can choose. You can choose to leave.

Id usually have more compassion for a fellow SM, but its mighty hard to conjure up when you seem so lacking in it forp the kid.

Just my two cents. Time to light fireworks off on Arnettes tin roof now

I'm usually very sympathetic to SMs. Maybe you just didn't share all the info but it doesn't sound like this kid is Bad or disrespectful to you. It sounds like at worst, she was given the choice of when she was going to meet you and the chose to ignore you - both of which are really a problem you should be having with Dad, not SD. In my world, 5 year olds don't get the choice of who they meet. They go where they are told. If they are being rude and ignoring someone,that's on the parent.

You seem to have basically known about the kid and having been unhappy with this for around 3 years, but married her dad anyway. Why? Did you think getting married would somehow change the dynamic? It seems rather... shortsighted perhaps? to not like children in general, particularly not like spoilt children and then marry a man with a child you think is spoilt.

And the fact that you seem to resent her because she is being given an easier life than what you had (minus the dead mother of course) seems a touch petty. It's hardly her fault. It's dads fault, it's grandmas fault, it's the fault of whatever other adults are in her life. She's 7. Her faults at this point - any greed or conceit is the fault of those that have raised her. Be pissed at them. Her getting whatever she wants is on the adults, not her. So take it up with your lovely man.

If he thinks everything is great, his daughter is perfection and has no wish or idea of changing how things are, no matter how lovely he is or how much you love him, you will be unhappy. You don't have a kid with him, so you really can just walk away. But his DD isn't going anywhere and it's unlikely that the adults in her life are going to change their behavior. So honestly, as much as it might suck to hear, this is probably one of those situations of you either need to learn to live with the way things are (without taking out your irritation on the child) or you need to move on from this man.

First who lets a kid make the choice of meeting a gf or new sm? Her dad which who you need to address along with all the spoiling of her. Thus all her dads doing and he is the one you need to talk too and blame.

But at the same time I don't think you are a bad person and some of the other posters were way too hursh in opinion. Of course it goes with out saying should rather have her mom but the reality is she is gone. No amount of spoiling her us going to bring her back. All its going to do is ruin her adult life.

It doesn't matter the reason you spoil a child the result is the same. A spoiled entitled brat.

You dh needs to get a handle on it now.

I read this as it was the child's maternal grandparent (nanny) she refused to meet the OP. Refused to meet OP and then refused to have any dealings with the OP for another year. OP stated the refusal was 'understandable', but hurtful to OP. IMO, OP needs to move pass this initial beginning. This lady (the grandmother) was still grieving her daughter. It was nothing personal against the OP. Nanny would have trouble accepting what had happened to her daughter and that her son-in-law and the child were about to start anew and go on with living.

I don't find it all that unreasonable of Nanny. She lost her daughter, she was helping to raise the left behind child...she was angry her daughter passed on, grieving what would now never be and likely afraid son-in-law (or you) may now cut her off from the child. It's also possible Nanny wanted to be sure son-in-law and you were actually going to be a long term relationship. Not uncommon for a parent who is beginning again to not immediately introduce their children to who they are dating. When you stop to think about it, why would Nanny have much to do with you anyway? It's kinda like a BM in this situation. I wouldn't think you'd be expecting to have dealt with the child's mother if she would not have died but had divorced instead. Except for possible occasional times when Nanny would be present (example picking child up or attending a school event type thing)where everyone should be at least polite and civil what kind of relationship would you expect Nanny to have with you?

I also take it that you and DH have very different ideas on how a child should be raised. Frankly, you sound jealous of the child. Seven year olds don't usually have to 'work hard' to have the normal things of childhood provided by their parent. No, they don't have to be granted their every last wish, but I'm not getting the impression that this child misbehaves or does anything wrong...she's just being loved, cared for and perhaps a bit overindulged. Because her Mom died? Maybe, but not necessarily so. It's quite possible your husband would treat his daughter the exact same way even if her momma were living. Something you might want to think about if you are considering having children with your husband. Do you think he will treat your child/children any different than he does his own daughter just because you are living. Or will the two of you fight and disagree over how your children will be raised. Sure, you can be there and you can assure you try to do this or that this way or that way, but if husband beliefs on raising children are different than yours it's just going to cause a different set of issues but with the same result...you unhappy with the parenting of a child.

Oh please people, the kid never knew her mother, she was one when she passed. So mourning for mom is not anymore than what an adopted kid goes through. But at 7 she knows howto play the dead mother card to get sympathy, toys, gifts.

You guys saw dead mom and jumped to the kid's defence. See how powerful that is.

Fighting the ghost of Mom is impossible even when there is no real memory of her.

Does she, upon meeting new people, quickly tell them about the death of mom for no apparent reason? Do you grit your teeth when you watch them melt?

Does she sniff with trembling lip 'that everthything would be better if my real mom was here' most times she's told to do something like pick up her toys or eat her veggies? Even adopteds don't go there.

I too fell into the 'oh poor baby, you lost your mom' crowd until I realised what a manipulative tool ysd was using. Her older brother and sister who actually remembered their mom rarely played that card.

Yeah, DH needs to quit feeling guilty about wife's death and deal with what apparently has become a spoilt child.

Understand how nanny is grieving, but it took 6 years after the death of her daughter to speak to you. Wow. Expect PAS coming from that area. DH needs to think about limiting sd's exposure to nanny. Sounds cruel, but if she doesn't like you or can't accept you, she can really create havoc. Or try to make friends with her. Doesn't sound like she's very accepting though.

You have a rough road ahead of you. One with even less sympathy than the average SM. Good luck.