Being a step parent has made me feel guilty about having a baby with my DH
Me and my dh had a son 10 weeks ago, he also has another child, an 8 year old daughter from a previous relationship. Over the course of the 10 weeks that I have been a mother I have found myself feeling more and more guilty about having a baby, because that's how my sd makes me feel, I know it's not intentional, at that age it is understandable that there will be some sibling rivalry.
I have found that since our son has been born her behavior has become increasingly different. While she has been staying with us she has recently started trying to push her luck a lot more and see how far she can go before she gets in trouble, she has also become over jealous (which a bit of jealousy is understandable) to the point where my dh can't even pick our son up or feed him without her getting jealous about it and to the point of throwing tantrums to get our attention.
I try to make my sd feel included, I let her help out whenever she asks if she can help with anything, I also had my parents take care of our son last Saturday and me and dh took her out for the day away from the possible stress of her feeling like she has to compete with her brother. It makes me feel guilty that we had a baby at all, because I feel like I have added more stress to her life.
From what I understand, she doesn't get a lot of attention at home from her mother, because if her mother isn't at work or busy palming her off to other people so she can go out, in the past sd has said that she just gets sent outside to play when it's not raining. This makes me feel like I have put added pressure on her when she is with us because now she probably feels like the attention at our house had suddenly been stripped away from her too.
I think the final straw in all this guilt came when she threw a tantrum in the middle of a toy store because her dad told her that she couldn't get a toy that she wanted because it was too expensive and she would have to wait until Christmas. She started yelling and crying at my dh and saying that he loved our son more than her. I felt so guilty over this that I let her choose another toy to buy that was less expensive, it probably wasn't the best thing to do because I don't want her to start thinking that we have to try and buy her love.
After this outburst we had a talk and I explained to her that her dad loves them both equally, our son just needs a lot more care because he is too young to be able to do things for himself. I really am trying to make her feel included but I feel like no matter what I do it won't convince her and even though I love my son to pieces I just can't seem to shake that feeling of guilt that I have caused all of this.
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Comments
Well, ya didn't. She's
Well, ya didn't. She's playing you. Not in an evil-plan kind of way, but in a "wow, throwing tantrums and saying those words sure gets me my way and some nice toys too."
You really can't parent successfully from the perspective of an 8 yo.
Ok well firstly it is
Ok well firstly it is perfectly normal for kids to get jealous of new siblings, be they full, half or step. Particularly if the child has previously been the only child.
It is also normal for a kid to play the "you love the baby more than me" card, just as its normal for a kid within a divorce setting to scream "you are being mean I want to go back to mummy/daddy"
What do you do about this? Deal with it how you see fit. Other people may have more experience based advice (I dont have any bios yet and only SDstb5).
You have explained to her that the baby needs more care because hes too little to do things for himself, BUT this doesnt need to be repeated on a daily basis. This is the new reality, it really doesnt matter whether she likes it or not, it will not change.
Personally what I would do is try to involve her in some minor care for baby. Ask her to help you choose clothes for him, create some times with stories, would she like to read or listen alongside baby.
I wouldnt be entertaining tantrums when dad is busy with baby. Id be telling her no dad needs to do something for baby right now she needs to wait. End of the day she needs to learn she is not the only child in the household now, but do make sure there are times set out that dad can give her his full attention.
The tantrum in the store would not have resulted in any purchase from me. Badly behaved children dont get bought new things.
But please please remember you can only control things in YOUR house, you can take no responsibility for what the BM does or doesnt do.
She is playing you two like a
She is playing you two like a fiddle and it's working. Guess what? My BS5 had a hissy fit a couple of weeks ago because I wouldn't buy him some hotwheels at the grocery store. I can afford to buy him thousands of hotwheels but I refuse to raise a spoiled entitled brat who thinks that every time we walk in a store, that he has to be betrothed something. He was angry with me, he got over it approximately 7 minutes later. Has not mentioned the damn hotwheels cars he HADDDD to have sooooo badly again. And guess what? BS5 does not have a new brother or sister, or any convenient excuse like that to act like an ass and get doted on and get his own way.
You guys need to put a stop to this ASAP!
The way you (or your DH
The way you (or your DH mainly) deals with this is simple to type but can be complex to put into place. Do not reward bad behavior! Teach coping behaviors. Do not parent from a place of guilt. That leads to entitled brats. It is not the end of the world and she will survive having a sibling.
Kids take a lot of their cues from the adults around them. I saw my own son when he was small fall down and skin his knee more than once. When my dad was around (his grandpa), my son played it off as if it were no big deal. When my MOM was around, he played it up like you would think that we needed to get his leg amputated! Why? Because grandma got all concerned and oohhed and ahhed over him. Grandpa knew it was just part of being a boy and nothing to get all worked up about.
Thank you everybody, all your
Thank you everybody, all your advice has made me feel so much better about myself, I feel stupid that I have been so blind to all of this, your advice has helped a lot and I am going g to take it on board the next time she is at our house