I'm the crazy BM this time

For those of you who don't know me, here's the low-down on my situation:

I have a BS16 ("The Kid") who lives with his father. He wanted to move in with his father when he was 15. He has a great relationship with his father. So really, it was just a natural transition for a young man to want to spend more time with his father. Not a big deal.

Or so I thought.

I just snapped on my XDH. Oh man, I even went so far as to call him a "F*cking a**hole!"

Ok, so The Kid has some challenges (he is on the spectrum and has ADHD). Parenting this child has been hard, hard, hard work. He's not a bad kid, not in the slightest. Only that his autism and ADHD made everything a challenge. We have always worked together to be co-parents even though we can't stand each other. Seriously, the man pulls the most passive aggressive stunts EVER. And he always uses a shit ass tone of voice when he's doing it.

My skin is crawling just thinking about it again.

So last night I sent him a text to shine the light on a mistruth/misinformation that The Kid told us regarding his inability to get a work permit for the summer. The Kid said that the school won't issue him one because of his grades. That's not entirely true. So that's what I texted XDH. That The Kid either was told something wrong by the school or he was being intentionally dishonest. That The Kid needed to make sure he got a work permit.

So XDH calls me to inform me that he is working on getting The Kid a job. That a buddy of his does landscaping and wants The Kid to work on the weekends with him.

I ask, "Um, is this every weekend?"

XDH says, "Yes."

I ask, "So if he's working every weekend, when am I supposed to see him?"

XDH (imagine the most passive aggressive tone ever -- Holy crap it's the EXACT reason why I f*cking divorced him), "I'm just doing what YOU want - I am getting him a job because YOU want him to have a job. So now it's not good enough because it's going to interfere with YOUR schedule. I'm just doing what YOU want."

So blame it all on me? WTF?

So I said, "Wait a minute. Are you actually seriously offended that I am asking you when you think I am going to be able to spend time with my son if you set him up with a job that he will have to work every weekend?"

XDH, "I'm just doing what YOU want. YOU are the one who wants him to have a job!"

Me, "That's not what I asked you. And why are you using that tone of voice with me?"

XDH (practically yelling and using a total blaming voice -- like I'm the one who is the problem), "I'm not using any kind of voice!"

Me, "Really? You aren't? I am asking you when you think I'm supposed to see my kid if you set him up with a job in which he will be working every weekend. And you are responding by turning the situation around by saying that I am the one who wants him to have a job -- that's it's all ME."

The conversation went 'round and 'round -- as it always does with XDH when he's acting like a passive aggressive fuckhead.

One thing leads to another, he's spiraling down the passive aggressive shithole, while I'm about to shoot through the roof.

Me, "I NEVER TREATED YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH OUR KID THIS WAY! I don't understand why you think it's ok to schedule The Kid to be busy every single weekend of the summer and why you think that it's MY FUCKING PROBLEM that I am upset that I won't be able to have time with my kid this summer! I NEVER DID THAT TO YOU WHEN HE LIVED WITH ME. I RESPECTED YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM MORE THAN THAT!"

XDH, like a broken fucking record, "YOU are the one who wants him to have a job. I'm just doing what YOU want..."

OMG. Shoot me.

Me, "So are you saying that YOU don't want him to have a job this summer? He is 16.5 years old. YOU don't think he should be working? YOU think that it's perfectly acceptable for The Kid to sit around ALL summer watching TV and playing video games? Really? THAT'S what YOU want for The Kid?"

XDH, "I don't care if he sits around all summer watching TV or playing video games or running around with his friends. YOU are the one who wants him to have a job! This is what YOU want! And now that it's going to interfere with YOUR schedule YOU are going to be a bitch about it!"

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Me, "Let me talk to The Kid."

Then XDH just hands the phone over to The Kid.

THE KID WAS STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO HIM DURING THAT WHOLE EXCHANGE!!!!

XDH just totally threw ME under the bus!

Awesome Dad is willing to let The Kid sit around and do NOTHING alllllllllll summer long. MEAN OL' MOM is the dickhead that is MAKING HIM GET A JOB AND WORK!

One thing lead to another, XDH and I end back up on the phone again -- during the conversation I end up calling him a "sick passive aggressive Fucking asshole..."

So I'm the crazy BM today.

P.S. There is more going on between The Kid and I. Essentially, he has reached the point in his development where he has decided that he doesn't like the way I mothered him. He called me on Sunday to point out all of the mistakes that I made as a mother. However, when I asked him if he could tell me one thing I did right, he said,"I know that because of YOU I am a good person. I look around the world and I see how messed up people are and I know that I am not like that because of how hard you worked to teach me the difference between right and wrong. I am a good person because of you."

So, IMO, The Kid is 16, is unhappy with the consequences of some of the choices he's been making lately (not doing his school work and failing some classes) and he's looking to blame someone. I'm the easy target because I don't live in the same house with him.

I'm not overly concerned about it. I know that he and I are capable of working through this. It's not all that big of a deal.

UNTIL I REALIZED THAT XDH IS FUCKING BLAMING ME FOR SHIT AND PAS'ING THE KID! (i.e. "I'm the cool dad that would let you sit around on your ass to play video games all summer, but your dickhead of a mom is the one who wants you to have a job and you know what a bitch she is so you better get a job...")

NOW I know where The Kids bad attitude about my mothering is actually coming from.

NOW some of the shit The Kid said to me on Sunday makes more sense.

What a fucking DICK my XDH is. Holy shit. The Kid lived with me for 15 years -- I NEVER bad mouthed his father. EVER. I fostered that relationship.

I never would have even thought that it would have been remotely acceptable (never would have even occurred to me) to schedule something for every weekend for The Kid throughout the entire summer thus interfering with his ability to spend time with his son. Nor would I pull some shit like that and have the audacity to act *surprised* that he would have a problem with it!!

Holy shit.

Sorry so long. Huge vent.

I cried myself to sleep.

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According to my understanding

According to my understanding of the situation:

The guy who my son would be working for does it on "the side" -- which probably means that he works on the weekends.

My XDH works in a very industrial, heavily populated area. I asked him how come The Kid couldn't go fill out applications in the restaurants, businesses, stores, etc.

XDH's response, "Well sure, he could fill out those applications, but there is no guarantee that he will get a job there. and YOU are the one who wants him to have a job, but now it's not good enough for YOU because it's going to interfere with YOUR schedule..."

WTF.

Holy shit. It's the exact reason why I divorced him. His passive aggressive bullshit makes me sick :sick:

Because there is something

Because there is something hinky about the job. It's under the table or not on the level. BF is not getting a work permit. He's passive-aggressive: messing it up by accident on purpose.

^ BINGO!! ^

Sylvia, is that you?????

As a mother of a 17 year old

As a mother of a 17 year old that didn't want a job. I have him volunteering at the hospital one day and at a charity resale shop another day. Jobs are hard to get for this age around here. They are the largest unemployed group in the country.

Look into volunteer work. If nothing else, these are opportunities for scholarship money not based on grades, as well.

I got him the jobs and told him when and where and he went. If he wants his truck, he has no choice. This may be a good compromise for all of you. BS17 is still applying for jobs if he wants to keep his wifi, but I don't hold out much hope for a paying job....

I also wanted him to

I also wanted him to volunteer when he wasn't working this summer.

The Kid needs a serious wake-up call. He simply CANNOT sit around all summer with nothing to do. This isn't only about teaching him responsibility and how to give back to society (a major part), but is also about the fact that The Kid has a depressive disorder. Him sitting around all summer playing video games and watching TV will HURT him. He absolutely has to get out and get involved.

I suppose it all just boils down to the fact that this is what XDH is pushing him into without exploring options that would take my relationship with our son into consideration is what has me all pissed off.

I know him, this was done on purpose.

Now he gets to play the martyr.

There is a reason why I am no longer married to him and THIS would be it. He's passive aggressive and a gas-lighter. He makes me sick.

This is your mom's fault, not

This is your mom's fault, not your brothers. We are what we are taught....Although, now she needs to kick his ass to the curb...

I gotta agree with this. My

I gotta agree with this. My first job at a pizza place had me every Friday night, Saturday and Sunday the entire summer. It's just something we had to deal with. I spent as much time as I could with my parents, friends and then there was my job. My parents were also divorced and well, we just kind of dealt with it. Lots of rearranging but it's what we did.

We have identical

We have identical ex-husbands. My youngest DD is also ADHD(inattentive type) and there is a lot to parenting these kids. My EXH continuously would pull the same kind of mind-Fing BS on me. My response to him, when he pulls this kind of crap, would be "yes, it is I that wants him to have a job. A job will teach him responsibility. It is important to ME that this life lesson is set when he is a teen, just like it is is YOUR responsibility to insure XYZ...". My EXH is the master at gas-lighting and I was always left chasing my tail, so to speak. Now, if I don't wish to communicate with him because he is pulling out his psych-babble bull, I hang up or don't entertain further texts from him.

Perhaps, in your situation, he can be dropped off, after work, at your house, on your EOWE visitation? My DS19, has had a jib for 1.5 years and he does work a lot of weekends, but it's not like he works 12-14 hour days and I have reinforced with him, that he needs to see his dad (I am the CP, although at 19, who am I kidding LOL).

I don't think you're a crazy

I don't think you're a crazy BM. You just want to spend time with your son, which is the total opposite of crazy BMs who dump their kids every chance they get. Others do bring up the point that many of the jobs teens qualify for do require night and weekend work, so he may have been working most weekends regardless of the job. Have him come to your house after work, or see if your Ex will allow you to spend one evening during the week with your son.

Sorry to tell you, but when

Sorry to tell you, but when someone has a job for you, you don't necessarily get to decide WHEN you work. If it interferes with your time, then you need to try to find him a job and make sure you tell the boss that he can only work certain weekends...I wonder how that will go.

Being a single mom (of which

Being a single mom (of which I was one for many years and I guess technically still am since I don't live with SO and maintain seperate residencies) is a bit different than being a 16 year old kid.

Comparing yourself and how you had to get a job to a 16 year old kid is a bit condescending to your own situation, Mazzy. Being a teenager and trying to refuse to work every other weekend to spend time with your parent(s) is likely to keep you from the job.

There are limited jobs in this economy for kids - at my local McDonalds, they don't have to hire teenagers right now - they've got plenty of graduates who need the hours and money.

While I feel for the OP and how her exH handled the situation and acted like a freaking jerk, I do think that it's not unreasonable for a kid to have to work on the weekends (including every weekend). Sometimes we have to give up some time with our kids as they get older. Our standard order of visitation in my state even talks about that as they get older.

Being 5 and and being 16 are quite different. If the kid is working every weekend, it's also on dads weekends too. Which means he's giving up time as well. Her exH handled that conversation like shit, but honestly it sounded like they were both agging each other on at some point.

I agree he should explore

I agree he should explore options. Absolutely.

When I suggested those

When I suggested those options, I was attacked. Because, "He isn't guaranteed to get one of those jobs and YOU want him to have a job so I am getting him a job -- to make YOU happy -- and now YOU are upset that it's going to interfere with YOUR schedule."

Me, "So you don't think that it's appropriate or fair that he fill out the applications at other places and actually TRY to find a job that doesn't require that he work every weekend? A place such as Walmart may need someone during the week to stock shelves or sweep the floors just as much as they need someone on the weekend. To make the AUTOMATIC assumption that his ONLY option is to work landscaping EVERY weekend WITHOUT having tried other options is what has me upset. Going around and filling out applications and going on interviews is all a part of the process! YOU aren't doing HIM any favors -- and you sure as the fuck aren't doing ME any favors -- by getting him this job! Whereas I appreciate your 'effort' -- pushing him into this job 'as his ONLY option' to satisfy me -- is a bunch of shit. And acting *surprised* that I'm upset that I won't be able to see him is even more fucking insane than you trying to pin the whole *The Kid has to have a job* thing on ME!"

We live 1 hour apart. XDH doesn't do any of the driving. The weekends are all I get with my kid.

It's the not even trying to find a job that wouldn't interfere with my ability to see him that has me pissed off. It's the fact that XDH wants to pull some passive aggressive bullshit and act like I'm the problem because I have the audacity to want to see my kid that has me pissed. It's the fact that he pulled the "Your mom is the bitch that wants you to have a job while I would just be willing to let you lay around and play video games all summer" that has me about to lose my mind.

I know my XDh enough to know that pushing our son into a job that is going to take all of his weekends is a passive aggressive FUCK YOU to me from him. And me calling him out on it is his way of turning it around on me to make me look like the asshole and he's just the "saint" trying to do what I've asked.

And now he gets to play the wounded martyr.

It's the same game as the person who makes a joke at your expense. But when you have the *nerve* to have hurt feelings over, let's face it, something that wasn't funny and was obviously meant to be hurtful, they stand there with their hands up, a *surprised/innocent* look on their face saying, "What? It was only a joke." But everyone, including you -- and that person -- knows that it wasn't a joke at all.

Yeah, it's that nugget of

Yeah, it's that nugget of FUCK YOU that does it. FUCK YOU covered in wounded martyr wrapped in you're the asshole. I so get this.

yeah. That's exactly it...

:sick:

And I actually bit into it. Normally I can walk away. I mean, after all, I am no longer married to him. So didn't I really get the last laugh?

*sigh*

If a teen can find a job here

If a teen can find a job here (most places won't hire anyone under 18)refusing to work EOWE won't fly.

I know it, lived it with

I know it, lived it with 'guilty daddy' here too. Always a 'justification' for bullshit.(sings) 'Aaalllwayyyys loook on the briight siiide of life da dum da dum...' (Monty Python song)
Ohhh..not forgetting 'perceptions'! It's us step parents who have to make all the concessions, right? Silly us (sarcasm intended) for thinking we could have our standards and morals intact.

I had to think about this for

I had to think about this for a little while. I have a passive-aggressive co-parenting situation, too. Like you, I do things straight up and don't expect the crap that he pulls. I have learned to predict his game, though, so that sometimes it goes to the 'cat' like in tic-tac-toe.

When he answered you by saying 'I'm just doing what YOU want', it told me that he arranged for a weekend job to show you who's boss, or to make you sorry for trying to parent from a distance.

Talk to your son about getting a job. Who does he respect more, kids who sit at home all day doing nothing or kids who work? Remind him that he's a better person. Offer to help with the work permit, applications, and interviews. Then leave it up to him. He lives with his dad, so it's kind of out of your hands anyway.

The job is the important thing, so if he goes for the weekend job, let him work. The BF is trying to teach you a lesson so flip it around and show him that since working IS in fact what YOU wanted you are fine with it. Thank him for getting him the job.

The job is likely to be temporary.

I know how infuriating that passive-aggressive bullshit is. It is next to impossible not to react to that bait-reeking tone of voice. How things that are crystal clear suddenly get scrummed up with side issues. It has been helpful to me to pull back and look at situations coldly. What is the desired outcome? Work to that.

This is great advice. My

This is great advice.

My reaction was to my XDH more than anything. I do know what's important -- I just lost sight of it last night.

Now I get the honor of calling XDH to apologize.

I think you need to re-think

I think you need to re-think your position on this.

A teen working will most likely need to work weekends. He can't have EOWe off to spend time with his mom.

ALL of my older kids/skids had jobs at this age, and they all had to work weekends. Visitation had to work around their work schedule.
So, if you're gonna insist this kid work, then you need to be more flexible, IMO.

Since this landscaping job

Since this landscaping job appears to be seasonal-- Perhaps you could try to switch up your visitation schedule with his dad for the summer. If he were to take this job & work weekends-- why not get your son for the weekdays (or just two to three weekdays like Tues to Thurs) just thru the summer?

That way everyone is compromising & the kid gets to also have his summer job. A win-win for everyone :). Its worth a shot atleast.

I think it is required that

I think it is required that all teens work at a grocery store at some point in their lives! they always need help.

I can think of a million jobs he could get, if you are in a relatively good size city, where he would also be working during the week.

There is babysitting! volunteering is good, movie theatre, fast food, lifeguard? may need swimming lessons first, hardware stores are GREAT places to work too, amusement park - there are about a million options if exD is honest about it!! not just his friends Under the table job, huh? great example ex??!!

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I'm the crazy BM this time

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