I too think things would get better if he had his own place, but with the way things are going, it think it will be dificult for that to happen any time soon. He moved here from far away, has a new, and not very stable, job... He's trying to put his life together and it's rough. I'm aware of his constant struggle.
And I also agree that moving together would not help, because I, knowing myself has I do, would make sure she would always had every need attended too, and he would probably relax...
It makes me sad that he's missing out on the little things. And it makes me angry that we're having the same discussion for about 6 months, EOW, and that he doesn't get why I get upset when he stays here and not with SD. Deep breaths... I need to be less stressed about it, but it's not in my nature.
All of you say this site is a big help, and today I've got my first experience. It's really great to be able to put our worries in writting, and having someone giving their point of view on the matter. I'm very new at all this, and I know my troubles are small, compared to some of the ones I've been reading, but it helps to know we can have a shoulder here, when we need one.
Thanks you so much.

Thank you so much.
You kindly get me to see some rather interesting and good points. Wish some of my friends did the same.
Although I don't get the difficulty of taking care of her, as he took care of her since the day she was born... He worked at home and his ex left most of that job for him until she went back to work. Then, she left it all for him. So until SD was 10 months he did it all. Did he unlearned it in a year? Maybe... Maybe he has become insecure because the family broke apart... But that's no reason to be missing out on SD's life now, I think... He needs to handle his problems and move forward, because he is her father and she needs him. Or else, knowing him as I do, he'll regret it in the future.
Regarding the mourning of my single life, yes, it is hard... I don't feel I can pass from being a very free independent woman, to being a complete "wife" and stepmom in a second (ok 10months...), or just because he needs me to... I do make room for SD in my life in her weekends, sometimes too much room. And in those ocasions I felt some pressure I confess, but I tryed to handle it. Take it slow and move forward. But when I don't make room, like today, when I don't plan anything for us to do together, he doesn't either. She's not my responsibility and he will only be with her if I make the arrangements, if I say lets go here or there, or bring her to my place... Otherwise, he'll find an excuse to leave her at his mom's and run here...

We talked a lot in the beggining about expectations, and we both agreed that he needed to get back on his feet before we could live together, or become a family. He still says he's ok with things the way they are. Apparantely I'm the one who isn't. I'm the one creating the pressure because I don't think he's spending enough time with SD.

And the other thing that really gets to me it's the reasons he gives for doing that. He left sad with me... Then he texts me "I didn't sleep last night. End of a complicated week. I really needed 2 hours sleep. Sorry you can't understand that." Ok, why wouldn't you nap with your daughter then???????? It's not like I'm here begging you to come keep me company...

All his weeks are complicated... He will always be tired and he will continue to leave SD with grandma because it's easier... And grandma doesn't even get that this is not so good for SD. She just is so happy to take care of her always... One of these days, when SD starts to talk better she will say to her mom on dad's weekend "I'm going to Grandma's", because it's actually what she's been doing for six months now.

And Mustang is right, if we move in together, he will try to make me take care of her, like he does with his mom... And I'm not ready for that fight just yet...

How can a guy be such a great boyfriend, because he is, and such a "strange" father? I tell myself, I don't want children, so I don't have to worry about that. But I do, because I think when we put children in this world we have to give them our best. And he's not doing that. And they both loose in the end...

Thanks once more.

Thanks for giving me the guy perspective on this, as normally I cant' think like one.
You are probably right, the financial aspect of his life is putting a strain on things and he's having a hard time with that. It probably doesn't help too that I'm so financially independent and that I was up on my feet just one year after my own divorce, and my ex left me with a few big debts to handle, and a house to pay. I was lucky, I had a great job, and living like a nun for a year I had all my bills paid. I know he feels bad because he's separated for 14 months (divorced for 6 now) and he's still pretty much on the same place financially where he was when it started. But he doesn't really save much. He was used to a big style life and it's hard for him to give it up. He was used to giving everything to his ex and now he can't do it for me and it makes him sad (him not me).
Regarding the other details, he's very lucky as is ex-wife seems, until now, to be very understanding and supportive of his role as a father. Their marriage was a long one (well their relationship was, they lived together for 10 years, married for 4) and it ended, according to him, because of money problems. He couldn't afford her life style anymore and with SD being born and all, his ex didn't want to wait for him to get back on track. She's a daughter of a rich man and is used to have everything and when he couldn't afford her hairdresser once a week minimum, she said I'm out.
Right now she provides the most for SD and he pays CS. Not much for the ex, but pretty much considering what he earns each month.
And although he says she's not as motherly as he wished she would be, SD is a happy balanced little kid, so in my opinion, and of some of his family, she's doing a pretty good job. And she hasn't interfered with is parenting a bit till now. SD comes EOW and she doesn't even call to check on her, not, I think, because she doesn't trully love her daughter, but because she know he his a great father and has his family to back him up if he needs it.
And here's the thing that bothers me, when I see him and SD together it's magical! They have such a warm relationship, and he's the light of her eyes. Why he doesn't want to spend every minute of his day with this child when she's here, I simply don't get.
We have done some simple things with SD, like going to the beach, or the park, as she's so little we cannot obviously elaborate much. But even those, I planned, I gave the suggestions. The only thing he thinks of is bringing her to my place, so he can lay on the sofa and we watch her play. Otherwise he leaves her at grandma's, where he isn't able to stay for long periods of time, as he gets suffocated... I know it's hard living at your parents place, as I did the same when I went through my own rough divorce. Two months... I love my parents but I was glad I could get out of there when I did. But I still spend more time at my parents now, visits and meals, that he does at his. And I don't have a daughter there EOW... And his parents are not so bad... His mother even asked for my help in planning the birthday party for SD, as she knows he's not very good at planning stuff and neither is she. Yesterday I spend my entire morning buying stuff, little things for the party, and SD's gift, and I had so much fun. Then in the afternoon I told BF about it, as I was so excited with preparing the party, and he was "ok, but she's too little, she won't remember any of this in a few months...". Birthday's are important to me... And I have the pictures to remind me of my every single one. Every single little party that my parents prepared for me, saying with it "We love you so much".
I'm spoiled wrotten. My parents always made it all for me and my brother. Love and discipline. And we appreciate today everything they did for us when we were groing up. The parties and the discipline we had. And the constant presence of my parents in our lives. BF always complains that he didn't have that, and that his childhood wasn't has wonderfull has mine, and his parents were always to busy working to create a real bond with him. And that that will never happen with SD. But he's risking walking on the same path, as I see it. Cuddles and kisses, an hour a day, every EOW, will not cut it in my point of view.
He just goes with the flow when SD's here. Lets his mom and me plan all the things for SD and just squeezes in our plans... I wish for once he would plan his own things to do with SD. With me or without me. With his parents or without them.
It's sunday morning, and I know in an hour I'll have a call from him asking "So, what do you want to do today?". And I'll be sad again, but I will plan something so he spends a little more time with SD...

He's clueless according to my high standards. To him if SD has eatean, slept, and had her dipper changed, she has all she needs. And his mom does that all right, so he just thinks SD is happy. I do believe she's happy too, but I think she needs to create a bond with him not his mother. And it is by doing all the things above, plus spending quality time with her, that that bond will be created.

This afternoon they came here, and 30 seconds after arriving he was sitting on my computer already, while SD played with me. 10 minutes passed and I kindly said "We're missing you here, Daddy" and he realized that he should come sit with us. When she's here it's easier for me not to get upset because I'm always thinking that SD is not to blame for her father's absent behavior and I try to create a good enviroment, where she feels calm and loved. But when she isn't my temper tends more for critics then for guidance, I confess. I have to work on that, really do. Wished he worked on getting more interrested.

The weekend is ending and SD will be returning to her mom's tonight. But she'll come back next Friday night, as it is her birthday and as her BM is preparing her birthday party only on Sunday, she offered him the Saturday so he can celebrate with SD too. Nice of her, don't you think? I just hope she continues so understanding as she is now.
I will try to make him get involved in preparing SD's party. I offered to bake the cake, and he's going to help, wether he likes it or not Just kidding, but I will ask for his help on this matter.

Thanks once more to all.