I'm afraid my resentment toward my boyfriend's kid is going to ruin my relationship.
I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now. I knew he had a daughter from the first time I met him. She was 4 at the time, now 5. I had no problem with this going into the relationship. At first she had no idea when I was there because I would come over after she was in bed and my boyfriend would keep his door shut in the mornings or I would leave before she got up. She stays with us every other week. She knows now that we share the same bed and my boyfriend is just now working on holding hands in front of her. When we first tried she pouted and he stopped. I understand he wants her to like coming to his house but if I'm potentially going to marry this man, she's going to need to come to terms with it.
Last night, she pouted because he was holding my hand and said it was because she felt left out, even though she was sitting in his lap. He explained to her that we want her to be included and then she asked 'well what if she doesn't want me to be', she being me. He responded that if 'she doesn't want you to be, then we won't be seeing her anymore', when he told me this I got mad and he didn't understand why. I felt like he completely through me under the bus because that makes me seem completely disposable. He argues that she's only 5 but I think it doesn't matter 5 year olds are smart than you sometimes realize. She's already started an arguement between us two days ago because she overheard me talking to his mother and told him what I said but of coarse the context under which I said it was not conveyed because she didn't understand. Instead of asking me about it first, letting me know she said it he let me believe he was mad.
I'm afraid that if something doesn't happen soon, my hostility toward the kid and him when she's around is going to cut our relationship short. If anyone has any advice or encouraging words I would greatly appreciate them. Thanks for reading.
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Honey, he gave you all the
Honey, he gave you all the information you need. He just let you ( and his daughter) know that your feelings for/ability to accept/embrace his daughter are huge deal breakers for him.
He's telling you who he is. Listen to him.
Yes very true^^^
Yes very true^^^
What does that mean though? I
What does that mean though? I known better than to try and come between them. I just feel excluded when she's around a lot. Like i 'm being put on the back burner until she's in bed or not around. He doesn't mean to do it but I can't help how I feel, you know.
I've tried to talk to him
I've tried to talk to him about this stuff but it just comes off like I'm complaining and he's made it clear that he's getting tired of me always being upset or in a bad mood. Truth is, it's mostly caused by this stuff with his daughter. That's why I started blogging on here, so he doesn't have to hear it. When in told him about it though, he got upset and told me I could just talk to him. This situation drained me. Sorry for all the venting. Thank you for your responses.
I have a bad feeling about
I have a bad feeling about this guy's ways and ideas. He is acting like he will jump through any hoops in life to please his daughter bc he is focused on only his feelings and his daughters feelings...What do you think she will be like in ten more years at this rate?
Now a good parent will put her in her place when need be and she has to learn how to deal with it like the rest of the world does. You have a rough life ahead if you allow it. He is also acting like "STOP THE WORLD, A PRINCESS HAS BEEN BORN" really.
I'm sorry to sound harsh but I would hate to see someone such as yourself go through that just to end up getting divorced and you lost out on how many precious years of yours just trying to stick it out as you lived in misery.
At the very very least, please do not marry this guy until he gets his head out of the clouds for your sake. When you had enough of both of their behaviors, you will start feeling alone. Please keep asking and or talking here on steptalk, if he don't like it..TOUGH!!! She is not a princess and he is not God's gift though right now he IS acting as if they are.
Ask yourself this "when have my feelings mattered or been put into consideration?".
Yikes, he is making bad
Yikes, he is making bad choices now by coddling those mini wife ideas and it will become a nightmare down the road if he does not put an end to it now. The sooner the better.. unless he never wants another partner again IMHO.
OK so if a 5 yr old is smart
OK so if a 5 yr old is smart enough to work out how to throw you under the bus do you think she is smart enough to guess what is going on in his bedroom? And he is only just NOW working up to holding hands?
This is more about what your bf allows and not allows. He is only JUST working up to hand holding after 1 yr. And he has conversations with his daughter like you aren't even there. See, he says "We won't see her anymore..." which means you are not really part of his we-world. Honey, you are a sex toy. You have sex with him and occupies his childless fantasy world. By now he should have introduced you as his friend. Then he should have made it clear his 5 yr old is to treat you with politeness. You should have been over and then left and not stayed overnight and sneaking around. You should have cooked dinner and left. You should have spent time at Christmas making memories like driving around looking at lights.
See, this little girl sees you as not important in her life. Or, apparently, her fathers world. Because in the light of day you are hand holding. But when the lights go out he has sex with you. There is a HUGE gap in behaviours between hand holding and sex.
Sorry, but these ladies are
Sorry, but these ladies are telling you the reality of what this guy is doing. He is catering to a 5 year old, and parents that cater are unlikely to change. There is a huge difference in putting your kids NEEDS first in life, and warping your life around your kids WANTS. There is also a way to balance both and give make sure your kids have their needs met as well as a happy childhood with their 'wants', some people don't know how or want to know how to differentiate.
If your guy won't even let you talk to him about your feelings, you are going to be progressively more miserable every year you spend with him. You'll wake up one day with a 12 year old girl who has been allowed to dominate Daddy, disrespect you, and a guy that projects attitude onto you for even daring to think his angel isn't queen of the world, and wishing you had left way back when. The 'when' is now.
Hey, maybe you could move out and try giving the relationship time and space, go on dates, no sleepovers if his kid is there or not, and train him how you want to be treated, gradually. Idk, there are men out there worth fighting for, do you truly believe he is one of them?
The problem is 100% your
The problem is 100% your boyfriend. He doesn't realize it, but he is giving her adult status. She is 5. She is the child. If you two are serious and marriage is a serious possibility then he needs to start a new dynamic in the household. That dynamic needs to be THE PARENTS (husband and wife) and the kid(s.) The problem is that she feels left out when he gives you affection? She shouldn't even be seeing you as competition. Things need to change very quickly in your household. A normal kid doesn't see their parents cuddling and get jealous or afraid. A normal child feels safe when they see that their parents are happy and in love. It's not too late for this to be your situation but your boyfriend needs to start treating you as an extension of himself. It is no longer Daddy and Daughter vs. the world. You are his partner. He needs to be gentle, of course, with her feelings, but eventually she needs to be shown by him that you are a safe person that he loves as a partner and that has nothing to do with her place in his life.
You are lucky to have come in at her young age. My SD was that age when I met my husband and there were similar changes that needed to be made. Believe me, if your BF can treat you as his equal, and make his child understand that YOU are his partner while still making SD understand that she is his child and always will be, the three of you could be very happy. Children LOVE and THRIVE under structure and parental dynamic! My SD4 went from a spoiled little princess with huge issues to a very well behaved 8 year old. She would never in a million years EVER see me as a threat to her and her fathers relationship because she now sees me as the person that loves her father, and even as a mother figure. I am 100% a parental figure in her mind and that is SAFE for a child. There is no threat from someone that you consider a parent.
I know your SD has 2 parents already but if she is over there 50% of the time, you will be considered a step parent. Give it time..once your SD sees that you are there for good, and once your BF can treat her like the KID and not another adult in the house, you will all be so much happier! I don't know how the BM is in your situation, and that could affect a lot especially with 5050 custody...so there is that...
The hard part is getting your BF to change without making him mad or defensive. Believe me, I understand that! Things will fall into place..or they wont. If they don't, it is up to you to get the hell out of there as fast as you can. If they cant change, they never will and I feel sorry for any woman that this man dates.