Hello. I'm a new user, and have struggled with the step-parent/ BM/ my partner issue for 2 years now.
A bit of background. I met my partner when I was 17 (I'm now 23) we were a casual relationship for several years and I moved in with him in 2008. Previous to me moving in he had little relationship with his son, he rarely saw him. At this time his son had just turned 6 (June 2008). Over the coming months I encouraged him to spend more time with his son, having him for a few hours here and there to start with, then building up to overnight visits which started in November that year.
Since then we have had him at our home overnight one night every week, with occasional visits at other points when it is convenient for both parties. There has been some hiccups mind you, with BM denying access at several points over the past two years, at one point we had a few solicitors letters sent out to BM to restart access but that is as far as it has had to go.
SS has a good relationship with me, we have had days out on our own and continue to spend time with each other one on one. He is relatively well behaved when he is here. A bit harsh with his words sometimes (calls people idiots etc) and sometimes a bit too big for his boots, but no more than any other child.
BM is... OK. We did used to get on reasonably well but things started to fall apart in the last few months when I think she realised I was naturally going to side with my partner. Her and my partner don't really get on at all. We very rarely see her or speak to her as SS is picked straight up from school and dropped off at BM's mothers.
Recently there has been increasing problems. BM has another child from a relationship that has recently broken up, SS did also call this man dad but he hardly sees SS now, and originally told BM he didn't want anything to do with SS at all, both BM's mother and from what me and my partner have seen feel that her daughter gets much more attention from BM than SS does, not I think out of malice but because she can more easily relate to her daughter, and spends more time with her.
SS's behaviour at school and at home is getting increasingly bad with him being violent towards his mother, and towards kids at school, running out of classrooms. He seems also unable to play alone happily and requires constant attention. I feel this is an insecurity thing.
I have a lot of responsibility as far as his upkeep is concerned. My partner is unemployed and not in receipt of benefits so I am the sole provider, which means things like clothes/ shoes/ birthday presents are all bought and paid for by me. BM is also unemployed and goes out drinking a lot so often doesn't buy SS things, possibly because she has grown used to the fact I will. I have also been the main provider of structure, initiating discipline, routine etc, and suggesting things to my partner that will make things better- such as for instance I suggested he go meet SS's teacher when we pick him up next week in order to sit down and discuss things.
Although I do all the parenty role I feel often like I'm not part of it all, when I spoke up in front of BM's mother earlier about us going to see SS's teacher I felt like she was probably thinking shut up its nothing to do with you... I feel like this constantly, yet Im constantly putting my feelings asside for a child that isn't even mine, I fund him financially etc etc. The fathers day bit doesn't help either, mothers and fathers get constant recognition for their efforts, people who take on other peoples children unselfishely seem to get nothing but backlash from everyone around them.
ARGH?