Why is it supposed to be normal that my needs come last?
Hi, I'm a stepmom of 2. Life is so unfair. For the Holidays, we have them almost the entire duration! I'm supposed to say "no problemo" and agree all the time. For example: we were supposed to have the kids tonight, thursday December 31rst, then they were supposed to go the their birthmom tomorrow at 11AM to come back only saturday PM. Now, she is only taking them for 2 hours tomorrow (from 11AM to 1PM). Seems unfair to me. But seems I should be happy about it. I was looking forward to sleeping in and relaxing after receiving his brother and family for the holidays and I didn't have a break from work. Is it wrong to want to relax before starting work again on Monday?
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No ma'am. It's not wrong. I
No ma'am. It's not wrong. I feel you completely. I just went through the same thing! Take a deep breath, do something for yourself (no one else will),and put on your game face for the kids. The next time you get a minute alone together express yourself.
My husband needs clear instructions like: F#c% you!
Just kidding. We are going back to our marriage counselor for this same reason. "I must be included in the decision making processes that affect my time and therefore my life." This is what I've told him, we'll see how it plays out. I don't know what what the hangup is particularly when BM is fairly reasonable.
Big hugs and good luck!
Thank you for replying on New
Thank you for replying on New Year's Eve. Just discovered this site and I'm so glad to see that the way I feel is NORMAL.
Learn to say no. It is okay.
Learn to say no. It is okay. And share the load. Christmas is more fun if everyone joins in cookign together.
Almost every time I say NO he
Almost every time I say NO he (or maybe I do myself) makes me feel guilty. I think there's a little manipulation going on. Sometimes he says it isn't working out, that I shouldn't count the days kids pass here and the days they are with their BM. I like it when it's fair. We have them 1 week, then she has them 1 week all year long. So I don't think it's fair that we had them 3 week-ends out of 4 during the Holidays (plus almost all days in between) without getting at least 1 more week-end off at some point later this year.
My DH is the same way - and I
My DH is the same way - and I want a break from the skids like you do. But from your DH's perspective any day he is not with his kids is unfair so when we express anything that indicates that we want them gone they get offended. He is fighting to get more time with them. You are fighting to get less time with them. Honestly if you haven't been together long and don't have kids together I would get out now, it doesn't get any easier. At a minimum, you can start spending more time away from the house. Relax at a friends pool. Go to a museum. Get some quiet relaxing in where you can.
Not wrong at all. I'm a
Not wrong at all. I'm a structured individual- I like knowing what's going to occur. I'm also an introvert so I need my "down, quiet" time. I can be flexible but I use most of that reserve at work so I don't like surprise visits. I don't know how old your skids are, but I would take a weekend trip to visit some family where you can rest.
If it affects your time, home or schedule, you have every right to have a say. Otherwise, DH is being inconsiderate and disrespectful.
I've learned not to voice my
I've learned not to voice my opinion too much.
I do defer to DP and BM and their agreed upon visitation schedule since it's their kids.
I never, ever say to DP that I don't want the SDs with us - although HE has said this sometimes himself, but different viewpoint.
...well, ok, I have said this about travel plans or going to a particular restaurant but never for visitation...
DP has learned that he can bounce time/plans off me and/or let me know ahead of time and that makes it better. This also makes it easier for me to plan time for myself. If I come home and SDs are suddenly there (still) or something, I don't like that because what if I was planning on watching one of my movies or read or make a special dinner?
It's about discussing with your SO and making him aware that it does effect your life too, it's not your kids, and be sure to plan things on your own.
Sleep in and relax, let HIM
Sleep in and relax, let HIM take care of his kids.
^^^This^^^ Sleep in and let
^^^This^^^
Sleep in and let him handle everything. Your input was not requested when planning, why would it be expected now? Just do your own thing.
I totally get where you're
I totally get where you're coming from. I enjoy the holidays much less now that I'm a SM. We go from having skids 6-7 days (EOWE) in December to having them more than half the time...17 days, and three weekends. I hate it so much. I did arrange to go see my sister one of the skid weekends.
But now...it's a skid weekend again, January 1. No school so they came over first thing. I'm at my limit
The thing is...I get along with them great. I think they'd be shocked to learn that I dread the long weeks over Christmas, spring break, and the summer. But I do start to just want my home back so I can relax a bit.