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Things EXPLODED last night.

livizzle's picture

Submitted by livizzle on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 9:31am

I picked skids up from school yesterday afternoon, and from the moment we walked in the door, things with SS6 began to spin out of control.

SS6 wanted to eat some of those mini powered doughnuts. I told him that I didn’t care if he ate them, but he needed to keep them in the kitchen. He started screaming, stomping, telling me that I “never let him no do anything.” There has ALWAYS been a rule in our home that you eat at the kitchen table (except for special occasions). At this point, SS threw the package onto the floor. I picked it up, put it on a high shelf and told him that he couldn’t have them due to his behavior. Well, I went upstairs to separate some laundry, and when I come back down, SS is eating crackers on the couch. I walked over, took the box, put it on the kitchen table and told him that if he wanted to eat crackers, then he would need to sit in the kitchen. Here starts act two of the screaming and stomping. He started taking the things out of his backpack and throwing them, nearly hitting our 7 week old puppy with a book. I ignored him and walked into the laundry room to load the washer. I could hear him screaming at SD8, who was minding her own business playing a PC game. I walked back into the living room, and SS tells me that he wants to watch a movie. I figured it might help him calm down, so I told him that it was fine as long as he picked up the things he threw. Here comes the water works again. He starts screaming at me, telling me that I’m mean and blah blah blah. He stomps up the stairs and is acting completely irrational. At this point, SD8 was sick of his crap and decided to write MIL an email, telling her about SS6’s behavior. He won’t misbehave around MIL because he knows he’ll get in some serious trouble. SS overheard SD telling me what she was doing and came back down stairs to scream at her. I called DH and told him that he needed to talk some sense into SS ASAP. DH talked to him, but it didn’t seem to work. SD went upstairs to finish her email. SS ran screaming behind her. I told SD to finish up her email, put them both in the car and took them to DH’s work. Instead of DH ripping SS a new, he said that he “was sure everyone played a part in it”. No one did a damn thing to SS to cause such an outburst. This ticked SD off because she hadn’t done a darn thing to him. DH told his boss that he needed to leave early, and we went home. We ate dinner and things seemed fine.

Around 6, I told SS to come upstairs for a shower. He goes upstairs, gets undressed and then starts screaming and rolling in the floor about how he wants a bath, not a shower. I told him that at our house, big kids take showers, and since he still needs assistance, it is a lot easier for me to make sure his hair is rinsed properly, etc. in the shower. DH came up and made the kid get in the shower. All the while, he’s screaming like it’s the end of the world. After that experience, I was extremely upset. DH was not backing me up on things that I would tell SS, etc. I went upstairs to our bedroom and shut the door to relax and cool off. The next thing I know, SS is throwing open the door, screaming about the damn doughnuts again!! I’d had enough, so I went downstairs and threw the doughnuts in the trash. SS starts screaming bloody murder, DH isn’t really helping, and I was about to leave. DH called BM to come and get the kids, since all of this was going on and she wanted them home anyway due to the tornado watches. I went to the neighbor’s for about two hours before I came back home.

I was furious. I explained to DH that if he didn’t back me up around his kids, they wouldn’t respect me. We had a nice, long talk, and I told him that SS is not allowed back in this home, until he has a talk with him about the way he was acting and how he was treating me. DH agreed and said that he would talk with SS tonight after he gets off work. I was supposed to pick them up from school this afternoon, but I told DH that I’m washing my hands of it until things change.

Comments

alwaysanxious's picture

Submitted by alwaysanxious on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 10:39am

wow, good for you for speaking up! In the moment really worked for you. I hope your DH gets things under control.
Smile

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 10:47am

Wow! I would have resorted to that old favourite ... a cup of ice cold water to calm him down. Oh not to drink ... to throw in his face.

That boy has no respect for you at all. And your DH sounds as effective as a soggy dishcloth. If he wants you to take care of them until he gets home he needs to back you up.

I would certianly take SD out for icecream or something nice for behaving so well. The Helion can stay home with his father. In fact I would make a POINT of telling him "SD and I are off for icecream because she is not shouting and screaming like a 2 yr old."

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 11:02am

Yep!!! Disengage now from that kid. I would just walk away from that behavior. I had to do it with SD15 and now thankfully she doesn't live here. She had the same type of fits at 12 and 13 and I wasn't taking it. Did for a long time, until I snapped and completely washed my hands of her. SS12 I am partially disengaged from, but I still kind of like him...

Do not do a thing for the kid. He is your husband's problem. He can't back you up, you do not need that kind of abuse. It will get worse as he gets older...Trust me..

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 12:41pm

Sounds like SS never got out of the "red-faced tantrum" stage (thanks, Dave Ramsey) which should have been nipped in the bud by DH at age three

And as you already know this is your problem:

Instead of DH ripping SS a new, he said that he “was sure everyone played a part in it”.

As Vickmeister says, if DH is unwilling to discipline SS or unwillingly to let YOU discipline SS then he needs to find daycare for him. STAT!

lifeisshort's picture

Submitted by lifeisshort on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 1:54pm

It does sound like the child was acting irrationally. If things happened exactly as you say, his reactions were not warranted.
Is it possible that something else could be happening? Did anyone ask him if he was feeling alright or if something had happened earlier that day at school?

I know that sometimes when my kids act out (and they ALL do), it's usually because of some underlying issue: They're feeling sick or they're emotionally out-of-sorts due to various issues such as school, friends, etc., maybe they want some attention or they're just incredibly bored or tired. Each of those issues needs a different discipline application. If they're feeling sick, I try to find out how to make them feel better and have them get some rest. If they've been having trouble at school or with a friend, I'll ask some questions and really listen to them, and maybe offer some advice or help. If they want some parental attention, I'll stop what I'm doing and take some time to play a board game or we'll take a walk together. If they're bored, I'll find a chore or activity for them to do. And if they're tired, I send them to bed.

To me, it sounds like this kid was really trying to get some attention, even negative attention. Maybe you could've had him separate laundry with you and see if he wanted to talk. Activity usually helps to calm down kids and gets them to open up.

I don't know... My thought is that if a kid is acting irrationally then there's something irrational going on, KWIM? Our job is to help them deal with those irrationalities so that they can handle their feelings and resolve their own problems in life. A six year old isn't necessarily able to figure that out for themselves.

And BTW, banning a six year old child from returning to the home isn't exactly the best way to handle this. That just makes a kid feel like he's not wanted. At six years old, regardless of how you've acted, do you think you would've been able to understand that? Aren't families supposed to love each other unconditionally? I think that kind of action would really be compounding the problem for this kid. Instead, he should be told that that kind of behavior isn't helpful or acceptable and that if he needs something from you or his dad, that he needs to use complete sentences to ask for what he needs from you. This has to be done age-appropriately. Banning a kid from coming back is just saying 'I don't care about you' and you're basically telling him that he's not wanted. That's exactly how it would be interpreted by a six year old child.

JMHO.

livizzle's picture

Submitted by livizzle on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 2:25pm

SS6 is a VERY emotional kid. If things don't go his way, then he blows it way out of proportion. DH has the same kind of emotional reactions (although not as extreme). That being said -- I informed DH that I didn't want SS6 back in our home until DH had a talk with him. I never spoke a word of it to SS. I said this because 1.) I knew skids would be back this afternoon (this is DH's time to have them) and 2.) I knew it would prompt DH to make a move on this issue, knowing how hurt and upset I was from the events. I would have NEVER told SS that he wasn't welcome here. That WOULD cause all sorts of emotional damage to the kid. However, I AM going to get my point across about something being done.

lifeisshort's picture

Submitted by lifeisshort on Thu, 05/26/2011 - 2:57pm

I totally understand what you mean. I have a nephew who would throw all-out tantrums and make himself throw up when he didn't get his way. Geez! He's much different now that he's older and knows that he can't get away with that behavior, but he had to learn that while we all love him very much and we would never stop loving him, his behavior made us NOT want to be around him. Maybe that's the lesson he needs to learn?

And seeing as your DH has similarly emotional outbursts, maybe that's where it comes from? Maybe SS6 has seen his dad act out and he thinks that's an acceptable way to get what he wants?

I understand you're wanting to get your point across, I totally do. But maybe it could've been worded a little differently. Instead of putting an ultimatum like that out there, maybe it could've been worded more as an action-statement like, 'I expect you to tell SS6 that his behavior from the other day was unacceptable. I also expect you to set some rules and consequences in place if he does have an outburst like that again,' KWIM? It's not so much the child as it is the dad who needs to be trained here. If dad sets an expectation that the behavior is not acceptable and there are consequences for it, the child learns to change his behavior. But your DH needs to change his behavior, too!

My best to you.