Apparently I'm not learning fast enough
me and my spouse came to an agreement that if the kids (my kids) were doing something to annoy him that needed discipline, that my sopuse would come to me with it and then i would address it with the boys. this did happen for a week or so. but then the test began. the test i didn't know i was taking. he assumed that if he came to me with a problem with the boys and i addressed it, that i would remember that problem and address it every single time, without my spouse coming to me each time to tell me it was bothering him and to address it with the boys. for example: the boys tend to leave their dishes and garbage in the living room or tv room. so my spouse tells me to address it with them one day that it occurred. so i got the boy and made him clean it up. well the next day the same thing happens. son leaves dish or something in living room. i don't see it so i don't say anything. spouse gets annoyed. but doesn't come to me to get it addressed. because 1) my son should have learned not to do this yesterday, 2) i should have learned that this problem was brought to my attention yesterday and i should know to address it with the son each time it occurs. so this is where angry SD comes in and is forced to take matters into his own hands since i am ignoring the situation and not disciplining the son. I failed the test! over and over. I'm sorry if I need to have my spouse come to me each time he is annoyed and ask me to address it with my sons, even if it is the exact same issue as the day before. just because it annoys my spouse doesn't mean it so obvious to me at that moment. it's called communication! not mind reading.
to this past week we went to a counselor and guess what he advised us to do. agree that if the kids (my kids) were doing something to annoy my spouse that needed discipline, that my spouse would come to me with it and then i would address it with the boys. sound familiar??? that is the same thing we already agreed to be doing! but if my spouse doesn't continue to come to me to ask me to address things with the boys, then how am i supposed to pass the test??!!
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I can see both sides. On the
I can see both sides. On the one hand, he can’t expect things to just instantly be fixed. It takes time to teach skids behaviors.
On the other hand, If he discusses that an issue bothers him (skids leaving crap laying around all the time...this is a huge pet-peeve for me also) and weeks go by and he has to tell you every time it happens because you aren’t noticing it and fixing it on your own, I would be mad too and tell skids myself.
I 'get' your Dh's point in
I 'get' your Dh's point in his frustration.
Your kids are barely kids (with the exception of the 12yr old is bordering teen), Your 'kids' are 19, 17, and 12. One is an adult. One a year away.
Garbage and dishes don't belong in the familyroom/bedroom/livingroom/left outside blah blah.
How many times does a person of the 'kids' ages have to be told to please respect the rules of the household and not leave their dishes and garbage around?
You wil read this topic here often. SMs will write 'how many times should I have to tell a _____ year old to pick up _____ (fill in blanks).
I don't find asking a kid/teen/young man to be a big enough deal to really be consider disciplining them. 'Hey, you, Kid #whatever, would you please come back in here and pick up your plate nd wrappers'?
It's not like the SF demanding he be allowed to beat the kid for not taking a cereal bowl to the sink. Obviously a parent shouldn't allow hard consequences to be handed out by a stepparent for minor offenses (example, physical discipline, but I doubt you're spanking 12-19yr olds, lol) nor should a SP desire the consenquence be more than the 'crime' (example, wants kid grounded a month for a dirty plate in familyroom).
On the other hand, if your 19yr old is coming home on a Friday night , sneaking into the house at 4am stumbling drunk and SF greets the young man as kid is about to make it to kid's bedroom? Yeah, I do expect SF to wake you up to deal with it, or let you deal with it when the kid's drunk has worn off and hangover gone. Not confront the young man (who is drunk, I hate drunks) in the hallway all on SF's own (you can't reason with a drunk who is currently under the influence).
So, with all that said, you and SF probably need to sit down and decide together the ground rule, the appropriate consenquences and go from there.
Talking to
Kids did not work. So there has to be some type of punishment has to be given. As next time take away cell phone for a day, no going out for a night, no video gaming for an night. What ever is your kids worst punishment is. Second time double pumishment, two days, third time, three days. Somewhere along the line they will get it. It better to put stuff away then being punished. Five minute to clean up is better then four days of no something.
Also can make them do work that DH. Does like cutting lawn, washing cars. So DH can relax. It’s training them
I tell my kids once
and then if I have to tell them again there is a problem. Mine are also older. Until a year ago all four were still at home and now two are out on their own. My 16 and almost 15 year old know that mom doesn't repeat herself without consequences. Plus at those ages (and the ages of your kids) they shouldn't have to be told to clean up their dishes, rooms, be respectful in volume or anything else. They should know better by now. So I understand the frustration. DH is much more laid back and it is a point of contention between us.
Shame on you that you have
Shame on you that you have raised them to this age thinking it’s okay to leave dirty dishes and garbage all over the place. You obviously are okay living with pigs in filth, but normal people are not.
Does he not have kids?? If
Does he not have kids?? If not then he has no understanding that you need to hound kids to pick up after themselves. He needs to hound you to stay on top of it. Eventually it all gets exhausting and hard line rules are laid down. If you don't want it to get that far, then for sake of your marriage and any future daugher-in-laws, you will teach your sons household chores and hold them to it. Its that simple.
Two of these kids
are old enough to be out on their own or close enough (17 and 19) so they shoulldn't need to be hounded. An adult child in my home who needs to be hounded to pick up trash is likely to find themselves needing an apartment.
Sounds like your husband
Sounds like your husband wants you to parent your kids. And guess what? Raising kids is a daily thing. Not a once a week thing. Sorry to be so blunt, but I just get so annoyed when I read about parents not doing their job.
I have to hound DH you when
I have to hound DH too when his kids keep doing the same things over and over again. DH is funny in that he just gets flabbergasted but he goes and disciplines his kids right away. As a stepparent we have to keep at it for a while for it to stick. It took me two years of hounding DH and many fights for SD to finally reign in her attitude.
The test was your husband's
The test was your husband's way of finding out if you can actually parent without him having to point out blatantly obvious things.
I don't buy it that you "don't see" the trash. You don't care. Big difference.
I have actually said this to my husband
in regards to himself and the kids. He is a retired disabled veteran and I work. I have come home to stuff just laying all over the place, the kids not doing their chores, and so on and I get "Oh I didn't see it." Bullshit! You saw it, you just didn't think it was a big deal. And then I am irritated and feel like I have to nag everyone.
You have trash and dirty
You have trash and dirty dishes sitting in a living room and your spouse needs to “address” it with you? Are you serious?
I agree. Sounds like OP is
I agree. Sounds like OP is not parenting and that explains the earlier post about aggressive stepdad.
Just a suggestion: What if
Just a suggestion: What if you put up a sign above the TV reminding about picking up, then keep the remote and don't give it to him unless the living areas are cleaned? Assuming they have jobs you could also try a "clean up fee" and charge him any time things are not picked up? Not sure how you would collect on that, maybe that's a bad idea. Or maybe you could tell him that if he doesn't start picking up after himself you are going to start charging him rent?