First, I don't think you are a terrible person at all. You are entitled to your feelings. You're only human. It's understandable why you feel the way you do about the BM. But you have to decide if you want to give her that kind of power over you, your emotions, your very life. Hating her like you do just gives her the power to control you. None of the boundaries you try to establish, none of the control you manange to wrestle away from her will improve anything in your life if you continue to nurse this deep-seated hatred of her. Hate is a powerful emotion. You've got to find a way to reach the state of ambivalence before this eats you up inside and destroys your life.

I used to feel the same way about my BM. I almost left my husband becaue of it, years ago. What helped me get over it was establishing clear, hard boundaries, insisting that my husband help me enforce those boundaries and cutting that woman out of my life entirely. I started with the phone. I called the phone company and had our account put in MY name only with a brand new, unlisted phone number. I told BM that if she needed to talk to the children, to call DH's cell phone. One problem solved. I set up our personal email account and DH's work email account to re-route any emails from BM to a HotMail account before they were downloaded from the server onto our PC. That way, we could deal with her emails when WE chose, instead of being held hostage by our email accounts. Two problems solved. I refrained from having ANY contact with BM at all. If there was a problem with the skids, DH handled it and he did it out of my hearing. He kept me in the loop, asked for my advice and checked with me before making any commitments, but otherwise, he dealt with BM. I didn't go to pick-ups, drop-offs or attend anything that the BM attended. Third problem solved. I took away her access to me and, eventually, she just dried up and blew away. My hatred of her died and so did her hatred of me. It took several years, but it did happen. We both became ambivalent towards one another.

I don't hate BM anymore. In fact, I email her on a regular basis now. She and I exchange "hellos" through the kids... "tell Anne I said hello!" or "tell your mom I said hi!" She sends me kid pics in the mail and I always send her a thank you note in return. I make sure her CS is paid on time and in full, I make sure she has everything she needs as far as insurance cards and claim forms and I work with her on transporting the kids here for visits. She said a lot of really hateful things to me and did a lot of really hateful things to DH that I didn't think I would ever be able to forgive. But you know what? She recently apologized for her behavior from so many years ago and I accepted her apology and offered one of my own.

I think there can be peace. I think the way to that peace is setting firm boundaries. I think you feel so much hatred for her because she is a constant in your life. Remove her from your life and you remove the source of the hatred.

There are also those icky "first" feelings. A lot of people have a hard time with someone else having been "first." First to marry DH, first to reproduce with DH, first to share a life with DH. I never felt like that, but then I'd been married before, too, and had had a child from my previous marriage. I can guaran-damn-tee you that you can have more than one "first." Maybe she was his "first" big mistake. Maybe you are his "first" true love. Getting married, having children, creating a family... those are all important "firsts," but it's unique every time. "First" only implies sequence. It doesn't imply quality, perfection, commitment, love, devotion or priority.

Don't tell him it's work that's bothering you. Sit down with him and tell him how hard it has been for you to overcome these feelings and tell him that you feel like protecting your little coccoon with good, solid boundaries is the only way you feel your relationship can blossom and grow. They are going to have to have some minimal amount of contact due to the children, but you can shelter yourself and your relationship from that. Eventually, you can get to a better place where this stuff doesn't bother you as much and I am living proof of that. I went from sticking pins in voodoo dolls of BM in my spare time to try to combat the diarrhea she gave me to actually enjoying contact with her.

There's hope!

♥ ANNE 8102 ♥

"Stay thirsty, my friends."
~The Most Interesting Man in the World

Is it possible that you have misplaced anger? Its true that the BM has done what she did, BUT your fiancé allowed her to do all of it and never stopped her. Its time for him to get his balls out of BM pocketbook and put his foot down. Don’t get married to the guy as long as you have all of this anger and hatred for her because this is only the beginning of your life with her. If you are married to him even when they are older you will still have to see her and deal with her. What did she ever do to you to cause all of this animosity? You said that she has 2 fabulous boys and that says a lot about her and what she has accomplished.

says it perfectly. I also cut the BM out of my life, it does work. We do not get along like Anne and her BM, BUT she is NOT in my life anymore.....and I am much happier about it.

Thanks Anne....your post helped, I too am dealing with being consumed by hatred. The whole "first" thing made sense, but it's gonna take a while to swallow.

Teapot - DH USED to look for BM at events he knew she'd be at. I checked this FAST. I would tell him "are we here for her or for the kid?" We'll eventually see her, so why are you looking for her...to say hi? what the hell? He knows that I feel sick to my stomach when we have to go to events where BM will be there. There have been many uncomfortable times (ie. SD's basketball game, BM sat at the top of the bleachers, we sat at the bottom, then after the game, we'd have to all meet together to see SD - at this event, SD totally ignored me! It's like she's a totally different person when she's around her mom.

We just had a baby. DH committed to having SD come over to see her sister without asking me first. He said that he spoke to BM and that people were asking SD if she's seen a lot of her little (half) sister, and SD just doesn't know how to answer. She keeps telling everyone she has a little sister. I have to be thankful that she's excited, it could be worse. So, I finally told him that since we started getting visitation, I've been dreading visitations; not because of the kid (as much, well she's a spitting image of her mom and reports everything we do to her mom (and even does the same things with her mom..showing her new things) - so it's like having a little spy in our home - we might as well invite BM to have visitation, because that's what it feels like. Anyways, it used to be worse. DH would have to talk to BM a few days before every other weekend to confirm pickup/drop off/events. I'd get sick to my stomach and vomit. Then, when Thursday came along, I'd withdraw from DH emotionally. Friday came along, I was a mess....then SD would get here, it would be *tolerable.* Then, Saturday night comes along (anticipating whether or not DH will walk SD outside to see BM when she picks her up...or whether BM will try to come to our door and inside our home), I'd feel sick. Sunday morning comes, we're watching out the front window for when BM comes....it's not fun. I know my issue is more with BM than with SD, but they go hand in hand. It's been like this since we started getting visitation and the cycle has gotten better, but it's still there. Now that we have a baby of our own, I don't want to constantly be reminded of the past...the whole "out of sight out of mind" thing doesn't apply here.

I've been dating DH for about 11 years. The first eight years were awesome - we didn't have to deal with BM or visitation. Then, something happened and we started getting visitation. By then, we already moved in together and it was hard to leave. Now, we have a child together, so the whole leaving option isn't as easy as it used to be. I'm counting down the years....DH told me that once she enters her teenage years, maybe she won't want to come over as much, who knows.

Sorry to ramble. When he asks you "what's wrong," don't mix work or anything else into it (don't water down the issue or give excuses - I've done this and it doesn't make you feel that much better). Tell him exactly what you're feeling....when so and so happens, it makes you feel like blah blah blah. I try to isolate each issue so I'm not bombarding him with stuff. I try to say the issue then what can be done about it...instead of just venting. If you just vent all the time, it becomes the same story (just my opinion and from experience).

Sad thing is...I've tried expressing these feelings to my NON-SM friends...pssssh....NOBODY TRULY UNDERSTANDS UNLESS YOU'RE A STEPMOM YOURSELF. I've hear it gets better (sometimes)...but it takes A LOT. It's a continuous battle. You can either leave the situation (heart vs. head thing sucks - heart wants to stay, head says to leave NOW), count down the years, pray/meditate/isolate yourself (this in itself has a lot of issues too)...but it's NOT EASY. I love my DH, but if I didn't have so many years and experiences already invested with him, and I knew it would be like this (emotionally, physically, mentally, FINANCIALLY draining), I would of passed...it's draining, and there are so many more things to focus on. I know there are women on this site that say it's totally rewarding...it can be, but it's unnecessary stress....sorry, I'm going in circles here...but you're not alone

Teapot, You live in the same community with BM and you are going to be actively participating in your Skds lives on a daily basis so you’ve got to find a way to deal with these feelings. We have always lived 5 minutes away from BM so it would be convenient for the drivers. I have gone to every ball game, dance recital, awards banquet, marriage, wedding shower, and baby shower and when they were little I did 75% of the driving. No, I didn’t like to be around her, but I didn’t have a choice because where ever the kds are she is going to be there too. Even now after 13 years she and I are still participating and sharing the lives of these 4 kds.
I used to feel the same way that you do now, but I did get over it, and I remember how it feels. Remember this: She isn’t paying rent so don’t allow her to live in your head. Hatred only hurts the people that carry it. The person that it is projected at goes on their merry little way, not feeling any pain, and you are the one that is left with all the misery.