Misery sucks...I'm ready to get ME back again.
First, everybody knows I'm very unhappy with my life. I can't pinpoint it because it's EVERYTHING....work, FH, skids, BM, etc. Just everything in general has gotten me beaten down and miserable.
So, FH has conveniently 'forgotten' that we're going on date-night tonight and which restaurant it was. We agreed a couple of weeks ago that we need Fri to be date night and nothing can mess that up. As of last week when we got home from our date, we'd decided where to go this week. So Sat,Sun, Mon and Tue I would talk about the restaurant and was excited. So as of last night, he has the nerve to say "what are we doing this weekend?" I was stunned. I'm like, You don't know?? And he's like, "ummm, what do you want to do?" So I'm heated. I verbally beat him up this morning about it...yeah yeah it's wrong to buzz-saw him but I am just absolutely sick of my life being like this.
The thing is I was looking at pics last night from before I knew FH. I used to smile all the time, joked, and was happy. Now I'm just miserable and never smile and am always just unhappy and bitching. I used to be happy though and I want it back.
So I also told FH today that that email from BM is going to be dealt with. We are all going to sit down and discuss it whether they want to or not. I'm sick of being miserable because he has no balls and doesn't stand up for me, and I'm sick of this skank-azzed little ADULTERER giving me problems--excuse me, you would not have to "deal with me" in your life had you kept your legs together!!!
And the other thing that has gotten me completely livid is that fh is going to go to the credit union today and get things set up for us to have a joint account and start making calls about refinancing the mortgage. Ok, swell, but why do we not ever, ever do any of this together????!!!!! I am absolutely sick to death of everything being separate, separate, separate!!!! My exH and I did everything together...we went places together, held hands always, and everything was always "we" "us" ...now it's always separate and "his kids" "his house" "his ex"....I'm just absolutely sick to deah of living like this.
So my friends, today is the first day on the road back to ME. I'm going to become one selfish bitch again and worry only about ME and my happiness. I'm absolutely done with all the drama, bullsh*t and misery in my life. My boss is a complete emotional/psychological abuser and I'm done with him now too...if he comes in today for yet another day of absololute torture and abuse, I'm handing him my resignation letter(which I've already prepared) and telling him to stick his job and company up his flat old-man azz. And as far as FH goes, it's time he gets his act together because I'm all about making ME happy now and if he can't or won't, I'm fully prepared to do whatever I have to do to be happy. I have family who will take me in until I can find another job and move on...and as pathetic as that sounds I'd rather do that because I'd be happier, have a breather from all this kind of crap, and I will be able to recharge enough to start over in a new life.
So as of today, I'm going to be living MY own life again and doing everything I want to do. I'm absolutely done with being some sort of babysitter for some guy who doesn't think enough of me to give me a mother's day gift or remember we have dinner plans--yet is 'with it' enough to be planning his golf outing in 2 months to support his ex-brother-in-law.
As of today, I'm done with everyone's bad behavior. I'm going to make myself happy and say scr*w them!
Hugs to y'all.
LT
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yeah something's gotta give
I definitely need to take care of me. I haven't even gotten my nails done since I can't remember...they used to look great but I've let even them go
I'm not sure though keeping the job is a good idea. The boss is extremely emotionally abusive. He is almost bipolar or something. Part of it is he's on drugs and it depends what he's taken as to how he'll be for the day. I guess it's part of living in an area where the rich control the jobs and they can treat it however they want. He sexually harasses everyone, is a complete jerk, and is just doing so many illegal things he'd be easy to take down but everyone here would lose their jobs, and everyone has kids and mortgages we we all just shut up about what's happening.
I need to drop some of this misery. I can't keep living being miserable at work and miserable at home so I'm going to have to take some drastic measures.
Hugs
I issued same words today
teapot..those were my EXACT words to myself this am. I even put on myspace status "new mind state" before I met FH I was a single woman coming into my own..my BD is 13 and was starting to explore her social life which left me ALOT of free time. I was meeting new friends...even joined a motorcycle club and was buying a sportsbike. Than I met FH...with his son..I always wanted a son and have always been very maternal..it seemed a match made in heaven. Watching his son for a him a few times because ALL the time..overnight I became an instant SM.
I never followed thru the purchase of my bike..and stopped going out to events and times with my new friends. I was happy with my "new" family and thus it didn't affect me. I used to smile all the time, laugh..be a fun person to be around. Now I'm miserable, bitchy and resentful..not a night goes by that I don't just hole up in my room with a book...out of just being miserable. I hate feeling this way and in all fairness it's not fair to my family.
I decided that I was going to take ME back...I will continue to take care of SS but put more responsiblity on my FH for caring for his own son. If I have an event I really want to go to it will be HIS problem to figure out where SS will go, not mine.
Happiness starts with yourself...the happier you are , the happier people around you will be. Negativity reaps negativity..and positive attracts positive.
I agree..though..don't quit your job..perhaps have a serious talk with your employer on issues that are bothering you, if that is an option, but I wouldn't be so quit your job in this economy.
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
that's been part of my problem
I know the skids depend on me in alot of ways, so if I were to leave, they'd have to take that adjustment like they did the divorce. I think they've been through alot and I hate that I might have to leave them however I can't live my life(or whatever this hellish existence is)being miserable all the time. Everything is about FH, the bm, their house, their kids, their life/baggage...nowhere is there anything of "Me"
That's gotta change.
what does your dh say
about including you more. I know that you do a lot for the skids, but I remember he had said you could look for a new house together. Are those plans still in place?
Also, is the BM still stalking your neighborhood?
If you did leave FH, it is natural that Skids would miss you. You are a loving , stable presence in their lives...
But you want your own children as well. How does H feel about that?
One can only hope!
We're staying here
It just makes financial sense...plus I'm tired. I'm tired of looking for something better, and tired of just everything. Plus the skids want to be here, so whatever...
I'm sure the bm will be stalking around forever since FH has no b*lls and won't tell her to stay away. Instead I get my azz chewed out because it bothers me...I'm supposed to let it go according to him and ignore it. Well, he's not the one with the ulcer now is he?
We can't afford kids thanks to all this nonsense. He's worried about his kids and retirement...never a mention of what I want or my dreams...only very casually and never acts on it. I would love for him to say he wants a kid with me but he hasn't said that since before I moved in.
I'm getting the unsettling feeling that I am just convenient for him. I dont' ask for much, I take even less, and I do all the work I'm supposed to do to make him and his kids happy while I'm getting nothign in return. I think he likes it like this because I think he doesn't really love me. I know love...my exH loved me and still does, despite his own issues. I don't feel that way about this one. I feel like he's settling for me and will always pine away for his exW and just get through life in his own personal hell w/o her....however, he's dragged me along for the ride. No more though. Things need to change. I deserve to be happy, live my dreams and have someone who loves and adores me...he shows me nothing but caring like a thoughtful roommate,not a husband. I never get any sort of crazy-in-love things from him or sense that. Maybe it's cuz he's on nights now and he's unhappy, but I try to do that for him as often as I can. He just doesn't reciprocate. I think that says it all.
Time for me to be moving on to a better life.
LT,
why do you feel he is pining away for his XW?
One can only hope!
i think cuz of how he treats me
he doesn't cross her ever. and I'm super-heated that he didn't confront her about that email she sent filled with nothing but hate and threats to me. My exH would have been all up on her for something like that, but this one doesn't do anything. He rolls over and plays dead adn expects me to do the same.
I just feel things are different than my exH and not in a good way. I think if he was truly over his XW he'd behave differently than to let me suffer all the time like this.
Plus, it's just my intuition talking...I just feel something isn't right between the two of them. Either she's got something on him that's why he doesn't fight her, or he isn't over her...something...
If you feel something
Listen to it.
your H seems distant and you are so loving toward him and his children.
Have you guys been to anymore counseling sessions? You have already reached the point of resentment with your H. And, although he did suffer a loss recently, how much indifference on his part will be too much for you to handle?
LT, you should mean the world to the man who you will marry! How much more time does H need to show you his love?
One can only hope!
oh I hear you on that, I
oh I hear you on that, I feel exactly how you feel LT, trust me if i had to do it all over again i wouldn't. I was 25 years old with no kids when i met my husband (then 39) he has 4 kids (3 with ex wife 1 ex gf) what a life change for me. i should have seen the red lights flashing but love is blind. i lost it all to be with this man and i have taken all kinds of abuse from him, his baby mama's and their kids.
Now 4 years later i'm still here, unhappy with no where to go. i've come to the conclusion that my husband and i aren't meant to be. we want different things in life, i want kids he says he already has a family and doesn't want anymore, mind you when we first got married and had the talk he said one child. Now he says no. i'm completely miserable, i try so hard to make everyone around me happy and it isn't fair to me.
i want to be happy and the first thing i need to do is leave. i'm to the point where i don't even care if i live in my car i'm sick of this life. i live in his home that he purchased with his ex wife. i sleep in the same room he shared with his ex wife and his ex girlfriend. i hate it.
you need to make yourself happy and go back to how you were prior to ur relationship, take all the bs you've been thru as an experience and a lesson learned. you will be ok, if you have support from the people that love you then you will be ok. YOu cannot make anyone happy unless you are happy with yourself.
LT, I'm glad to hear you say you are ready
and I have something to share...
When I went to Florida last weekend, I went with one of my closest GF's. She is 35 and has been involved in a relationship--off and on-- for the last 6 years with a man who is a bigamist, has not commited to her, Not emotionally, not financially, not anything. My GF has put up with this all in the name of LOVE.
And, me, as her friend, have been there when he leaves, when he comes back, I have listened to the fury and impotence she feels with being in this non-relationship. I have offered her support, a shoulder to cry on...
But, after 6 years of this BS, my simpathy has worn thin. And understand this, I love her. She is my friend and has also been there for me...in my toughest times.
But as a friend, on our way to FL, I had to take advantage of the 6 hour drive to have an honest/blunt conversation with her. All in the spirit of love and true sisterhood of course.
I asked her many probing questions about her feelings for this man--which are valid, she does love him-- but when I started on him.. on his lack of anything, she came to see that his actions do NOT indicate love.
He may be with her out of loneliness, but more so because she is convenient.. and as women, do we really just want to be convenient??? NO.
When he stays with her-- sometimes months at a time-- he doesn't help with any bills, rent, housework... But yet he has a woman who is loyal, works, pays the bills, cooks and gives him sex to top it all of! :O
Of course she is convenient.
Moving along, in Florida we had a great time and took tons of pics. Well, on the way back she was looking at her pics and she didn't say anything to me. Then she called her cousin and was telling her cousin, how inside she still felt like a young girl, but her pics showed this old woman :O
And it's true.
Being with this man, has worn my friend down so much that she hardly ever smiles (and she has a beautiful smile by the way).
Like you, LT, my friend wants a family of her own and children, but this man already has a family, and a wife, And, although they've been "separated" for 10+ years, they continue to pop out babies...
With love I tell you, if this man does not make you happy, if he doesn't fulfill your inner princess, if he doesn't consider you and most of all if he wipes away your smile, don't waste 6 years..
We ALL, deserve happiness. And being married or with a man does not = happiness. That comes from us.
I don't send you hugs today, but I do send you STRENGTH, to be true to LT, and to love LT enough to get that smile back!
One can only hope!
In my situation
I decided that I need to take some "ME" time and FH and I also need "couple" time..there is no ifs or buts about it..it has to be done or we will not last.
If you can take some time..take a Sat. afternoon and do those little things...get your nails done,etc..
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
We need way more couple time than anything
I get irritated though because while we could be having dinner no problem, he has the nerve to say to me that he'll have to get a sitter for the 2 hours we'll be gone--hello, the kids are 13 and 14...are you frikkin kidding me????!!!!!! It's just a lame-azzed excuse to not be able to go or to throw some b.s. into the situation.
I just want it over with now so I can be happy again. Believe me, i won't be shedding a tear over this when I go.
I was at your exact same point
a few years ago. I had a bully boss and a bully husband. Somehow I just hit the wall with it all. I filed a complaint with HR about my boss. Then got another job three months later. I divorced my ex--that took a year just to get him out. But in the meantime, I underwent a mini-renaissance. I found me again. Had a great time. Met DH, the love of my life and now I have a new career as a self-employed writer.
These times can be the springboard to a new life. It's never too late.
Oh that is sooo how I"m feeling!!!
I've lost "me" somewhere and I need to find her again.
Maybe that's how I can tell him I want out...just to go find myself or something to that effect.
The boss thing...he's gotta go too. I can't take anymore crap.
teapot
If you truly feel that way than you deserve better..perhaps I am WAY off base..and I don't know..but do you still have feelings for your X?
As for babysitters? The kids are old enough to stay home alone for two hours. My BD is 13 and she babysits our SS5 sometimes.
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
it's ok to ask
I don't have feelings for exH, but I am comparing how he acted to how this one does and this one is failing miserably. I think he is the one not over his ex or just doesn't love me enough or right or something....
I figured we'd leave them alone for 2 hours but fh threw that out there this morning about the sitter. I think he does that when he wants to irritate me so we don't go, we fight, and he can spend time w/his kids. Unfortunately I don't rate into that equation...we have absolutely zero time together and it does not help make a relationship if you never spend time together alone.
If you have family to help
If you have family to help you get your 'new' life started, then I say go for it. If not, quit your job today, look for another one, then once you have a good job, then leave FH and the skids behind to do for themselves. What will FH say if you quit your job?
Sounds like
Sounds like ultimatum time. Find a friend or relative to stay with for a while, pack a bag, walk up to FH and tell him, "I'm leaving. Here's why." Then calmly outline everything that's not working for you, and explain that you feel you've lost yourself. Calmly. If he asks you if you're leaving for good, say: "I don't know. That will be up to you."
If he figures it out and gets his act together -- and I mean REALLY together, not just a couple minor tweaks -- then maybe it will seem worth it to go back. If he drags his feet or doesn't make the effort you need him to make, then you're done -- on to your new life!
Good luck! Whatever the outcome, one of the things I most love to see on ST is when women (and men) get sick of being treated like sh*t and decide that they need to take care of their own lives first.
Hugs!
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)