And back to things that suck....again...
So DH is supposed to start on nights this week. We had what I thought was a reasonable schedule...we agreed how to handle his kids and what was going to happen. So then last night he tells me that bm is picking up the skids today after dinner and taking them home with her...because tomorrow ss12 has summer sports camp at 7:30 am. Ok, thats cool...I get that these are their kids and they can decide what to do with them and whatever...and I even give them both credit for not sticking me with the dropoff/pickup detail when I have to be at work by 8:30. BUT, and it's a huge but...WHY am I the absolute last to know anything???!!!!
I got mad at DH last night and he was all pouty in bed. I said listen, I'm mad because YET AGAIN I'm the last to know anything that goes on here...plus you just dropped it on me right before bed all casually. I was really irritated at him for yet again not being MY partner...he's HER partner. They can decide what to do about their kids, plan and plot until the cows come home, but I am always the absolute dead last person to be in the loop.
So he's all like, well I thought about it and talked to her...why do I have to call you first then call her and then call you if she's ok with it...blah blah blah...
I said to him, Ok I'm not talking about that...you two dimwits decide what you do with your kids, that's your business, but when you decide, your job as my supposed partner is to inform me!
My friend thinks that maybe he was afraid to tell me because the bm would be picking up the kids today and I might have to see her and god knows that might start a fight (in his mind)--but we'd discussed how I'm on board with everything and going to do everything in my power to make his transition to nights as easy as possible, so no way was I going to ever fight with her. But I can see how he might be careful what he tells me and when...
Still, that doesn't erase the fact that what he did was complete crap yet again. I feel like I just don't matter...I told him last night that I cant compete with her so I'm not going to try...they win.
I'm not sure he understands what I mean by that, I'm not sure I do either. I just cant compete with 13 years and 2 kids...he obeys her, he plans with her, and all "that" has always seemed to come first. I've never asked that he not see his kids or demand more of his time...I've been really good about so much stuff. All I've ever asked was that we be equal partners, but instead much of the time I feel like a fifth wheel. I wish he could plan with me the way he does with her, and I wish that I was the first person he called for whatever, you know? Like when he needs stuff with the skids, I've wanted that call to be me...pick up drop off, whatever... How do you share a life with someone who doesn't share it with you?
Maybe I'm trying too hard...maybe I'm not supposed to care...maybe they're supposed to do all this stuff.... But why does he want us to be doing all this family stuff like baseball outings and whatnot if I'm not going to be there for the daily crap too? I don't know...I don't get him.
So, I don't know what's up today or this week. I don't know if we're having dinner together or not tonight when I get home before he leaves for his stupid new nightshift gig (and bm takes skids). I don't know if I'm even going to be with them this week at this point. We had decided that I'd be there with them while he's working and just put them to bed and he'd get them up...so it's not like it's alot of work for me. But last night he REALLY hurt my feelings because on top of that whole thing, he also asked if I was staying there "when they weren't home" (I still have my own condo)... It came out like, oh are you going to be wandering around our home getting into stuff when we aren't around to supervise you? I was stunned because I felt like I'm nothing more than a babysitter, and then when there's no skids to care for I'm supposed to go to my place until I'm called in again. I've never felt so used, angry and hurt. We've been trying to get rid of my place so I can fully move in, but there's been a few snags over the last couple of months so it's taken longer than expected. So I live there and in my place...which I'm sure you all know is hard, keeping up two places. So for him to act like I'm some sort of babysitter who comes there and takes care of his kids and services him, and then gets sent home...that really has upset me.
This is what I'm thinking (sorry this is so long)...I'm thinking I'm going to stay at my place tonight and tell him that he and his ew can plan what to do with their skids and I'll see him when he's not working (during the week) and of course on the weekends. Maybe if I stop being accommodating he might stop taking me for granted...
I don't know...Maybe I'm being too bitchy?....
Does anyone have any ideas what to do?
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I'll take things that suck
I'll take things that suck for $500 alex...
Sorry, a bit of levity...
I think you are right to say that old habits die hard. That many years together, kids together, it will be hard to make him see that you and he are his family now, and the kids too, not her. When it affects the two of you, even for good, he should talk to you first, or at the very least, immediately. I would be just as angry if my f did that to me, I will NOT be odd man out to that woman, ever.
I don't get the comment about you not being there. Is he SERIOUSLY insinuating you're there for the kids first? If so, I think that you need to have a heart to heart with him, maybe over at YOUR place, on your turf. Let him know you are in it for the love you share with him, and extend to his children, but you are not there to be a surrogate mother or a nursemaid. You may understand that parenting comes with the package, and it's worth it to you, for the relationship the two of you share, and you are there to be a partner and companion and lover to him, and you extend your love to the children, but it's not a one or the other thing, and he needs to support your role in this family and put this family first...
Best wishes to you!
he came over before work
to apologize for the misunderstanding. He understood that 1)I was mad that I am always the last to know anything that happens in our life and 2)I was hurt that it seemed he was treating me like nothing more than a glorified babysitter who was there to watch kids and service his needs.
He understood that I was upset by what he said, but he said he didn't mean for it to come across that way...for example, when he asked about me staying there when they weren't around, he was trying to 'encourage' me (in his own stupid man-language)to stay...to make it my home too...however, he acknowledged that it must not have come across right.
The thing is that although he gets that I was upset, it still doesn't erase what he did, you know, keeping me out of the loop again. He seems to think that the ends justify the means, but I just can't buy it and told him so...I think he gets that...he apologized and said he was still learning too...
Siren I'm glad you wrote about how you'd feel because I keep wondering if I'm just overly sensitive...but like you said, its not us, its the f's, dh's, and bf's that are forgetting that we're their partner in the relationship, not their ex.
Thanks for being there
i read your post
and thought it was super!lol What a great idea!!! I've tried similar things on a smaller scale, and it does irritate my dh to no end. I've had to be blunt at times and say, the reason that I don't tell you where i go or when i'm coming home is exactly because that is what you're doing with your kids...they come and go w/o anyone telling me what "our" schedule is supposed to be...so if teens have that kind of free and easy schedule, why can't I?...I'm a grown woman...
DH can see the point, but it doesn't do alot to change his ways.
Maybe with more time and more turning the tables on him, he'll get it enough to actually do something...
Rock on crayon!
DH and I were the last to know
That BM took the job on weekends and therefore will only be taking her Wed night visitation. Is there a jeopardy category for "How long til BM drops out completely?"
Oh- wait THAT's the ANSWER formed as a question on jeopardy.
"I'll take 'Predictably Unpredictable Crazy BMs for 1000 Alex!"
I must say that my sons SM probably has the same gripe. But after all these years later, I am careful to tell the boys or my ex, "Ask SM if you have plans....ask SM if it would be alright to switch." They still don't, but she does know that I do that at least. So she gets mad at them and not me. But they pull the same stuff on me too. A few weeks ago they asked for the boys for a family thing on my Sunday. I said no problem. At 4 I was at the grocery store, about to check out with a cart of dinner food for 6, when the boys called to say (not ask) that they decided to stay the night there.
I was irritated. But it goes both ways at times. DH does it with me, sometimes to the point of being inconsistent with SD. He tells me that SD's not allowed to do such and such no matter what, so after she gets pissy with me I tell her to call him, expecting him to get irritated that she is pushing when something's already established as a "no." Then I hear her say THANKS! LOVE YOU! and she gleefully bounces past me glancing toward me like "I KNEW it was YOU saying no."
Thanks dear.
I agree LT this is one of those blended things that is universal.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I hear ya
That's kind of dh's mindset...that if we let bm switch things up at a whim, then she'll do the same for us if we need it...but that rarely, rarely happens. We still are pretty much at the mercy of her schedule as far as what days we have the skids...but as they're getting older they're wanting to stay with us more and more...which is kind of good for dh because he loves having them, and bm gets to run free, and I like the company (for the most part)...but it does put a bit of a damper on adult fun and games.
I'm having the same issues as you Sita, where dh will relent to whatever stupid thing the skids want. It's pretty much fine with me most times, but like I told him, when you need to discipline them on something major they just don't listen or get it. That's pretty much why i leave as much discipline to dh as possible...that way I won't get super-heated when he undermines my "NO!" and tells them "Sure...and here's a few bucks..."lol....I figure they're his, he made them, he can tell them no, yes, whatever...I'm just going to say something if it's a safety issue (like, are they going to wind up sick, hurt, or dead by doing something). If it's like, staying up past their bedtime, I figure I'm not going to fight about it, DH can handle it...if they're crabby and miserable in the morning, oh well. I'm trying to do anything I can to let go and not get ulcers.
Hugs
Alex
Alex, I'll take its crock of crap for 1500. teapot, unfortunately for us SMs its a crock of crap the way we are treated. We aren't the BPs so we don't get the final decision. However, my steps are grown now and yours aren't. If your DH is going to depend on you to babysit while he works at night he better be discussing it with you. I don't think you are being to bitchy. He is depending on you now just as much as BM and he needs to know not to take you for granted. You may be a very sensitive person now, but rest assured after Stepping for a while you will be as desensitized as me.
Yay !!
I can't wait until I'm numb to the crap!!!lol