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Recognizing Limitations

Lillywy00's picture

Submitted by Lillywy00 on Tue, 07/30/2024 - 12:28pm

This time on my own has helped me realized my limitations when dealing with men with kids 

First of all, I never intended to deal with men with underage kids that live with for the exact reasons I ended enduring so now know that this absolutely a dealbreaker with the only exception being men who are earning 7 figures and compensate me for the work dealing with their industrial grade baggage

Secondly I realize that I have less patience for other people kids poor behavior when the expectation is I can't do/say sh*t about behavior corrections that are needed. Imagine seeing a train about to wreck and you can't warn the people standing on the tracks to move out the way .... 

Third, you all helped me realize this is that if you don't want to be a full time step parent then don't get involved with men with dependent kids bc they could end up with full custody if necessary 

Fourth, this forum helped me realize (see adult step kid thread) that some of these parents don't magically assert boundaries after 18 so the shenanigans will still be there into adulthood so IF dating a man with adult kids is in the cards for me I will be just as cautious (if not more because the dysfunction could be hidden better) in assessing if dealing with them will be worth my time  

and finally, it's more than okay to put yourself/your needs/your goals/your mental well-being/your finances as a priority because best believe these men and their exes and their spawns will demand their status as priority even in your household .....

and finally part 2 - drastic measures may need to be taken if your peace is disrupted - even if this means walking away because you realize your limitations when dealing with certain types of people  

 

 

 

Comments

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Tue, 07/30/2024 - 12:57pm

i don't think the high earning guy would necessarily be a good bet.

Likely his kids will be looking at you as a "gold digger".. and trying to figure out how to get you out of the financial picture.. lol.

 

In the end.. I think that it is often too big of a job to fix the guy.. his parenting.. his kids.. his relationship with the ex..   why spend all that time and effort when the reality is that in more cases than not.. you won't be successful.. too many cards stacked against you... 

So, if we can't accept what the situation is.. can't figure out how to exist around it.. then we are probably better off just making a hasty retreat.. vs banging our heads against the proverbial wall.

 

Lillywy00's picture

Submitted by Lillywy00 on Tue, 07/30/2024 - 1:30pm

i don't think the high earning guy would necessarily be a good bet.

Likely his kids will be looking at you as a "gold digger".. and trying to figure out how to get you out of the financial picture.. lol.
 

Well I'd rather not bang my head on the wall but if I had to I could soften the blows with lifestyle provisions. 
 

And I could give a d@mn what these spawns think of me .... they'll try to get me out of the picture regardless if their Disney dad is broke or rich ....plus half of them and their breeders are aggressive money grubbing check chasers themselves

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Tue, 07/30/2024 - 1:30pm

Oh.. yes.. that is true.. and I'm sure you could have a specially padded wall built for the purpose.. haha.

The problem is it's not so much that we "care".. but that the presence of people actively working against us and our relationship is a set up for long term drama and trauma.. no thanks from me..

Fortunately.. I am married and not in the market for a "new man".. 

Truth be told.. I don't think I would have it in me to get into a new relationship if something happened to my DH.  At my age.. it would almost certainly be people with adult kids.. and I just don't have it in me to try to forge through those kinds of relationship walls. 

My experience was not perfect.. but fortunately now that his kids are adults.. the tentacles of the EX are pretty much minimal.. and my DH is not a huge socializer and doesn't expect me to host his kids ad nauseum.

Lillywy00's picture

Submitted by Lillywy00 on Tue, 07/30/2024 - 1:34pm

At my age.. it would almost certainly be people with adult kids
 

I thought the same too .... till I saw that adult step kid thread 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 07/30/2024 - 6:45pm

I get the aversion to someone dragging failed family baggage into your life.  At this stage I certainly would not allow it for me if by some tragedy I found myself once again in the partner market.

IMHO the key is that when two people of quality confirm that the other is the one, they stand together side by side and step out to make a life of quality together.  Of course they will not always be perfectly in step, but together they must always be.

No one else matters and if for some mysterious reason the partner allows someone else to matter to the level of interfering in making a life together, it is game over.  No ifs, ands, or buts.

Over.  Period, dot.

Now, this end can be avoided with discussion and agreement. It is the surprise injection of invading baggage that is the deal breaker.

IMHO of course.

Take care of you.

Lillywy00's picture

Submitted by Lillywy00 on Tue, 07/30/2024 - 9:38pm

No one else matters and if for some mysterious reason the partner allows someone else to matter to the level of interfering in making a life together, it is game over.  No ifs, ands, or buts.

Over.  Period, dot.
 

exactly!!!

Now, this end can be avoided with discussion and agreement.
 

probably where I effed up  I didn't realize the gravity of the situation bc I'd never been in steplife before so I didn't know what to ask but NOW  I know