Disneyland Parents 18+ year bid….
Just love how these Disneyland parents chose the most personality disordered people to procreate with, then instead of turn things around for the better, they expect you as a stepparent to come in and not only accept the dysfunction of their parenting /co-parenting style but also expect you to deal with the chaos and decrease in lifestyle satisfaction as well
No mfs!!!
YOU handle your 18+ year bid and everything that comes along with it.
I didnt procreate with your beastly breeder so I'm not suffering those consequences for many years like you are.
Dear Disneyland Parents:
As long as you refuse to 180 change for the better.....
You did the crime ... YOU do the time.
- Lillywy00's blog
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They lived with the dysfunctional person
So they think dysfunctional life is normal. So why would they not expect SP to be dysfunctional also. They don't know what to do with normal person ?
Lilly, it's quite a shock,
Lilly, it's quite a shock, when you've trained your own children to perform chores, work hard at school and hold down jobs, to become a SM to lazy, entitled, untidy, argumentative SKs. The first time that I saw my skids slope in for their alternate week, hands empty while DH hauled in all their belongings, my chin nearly smacked the floor.
DH’s two teens tossed their things all over the house, ate their meals in front of the TV (which they controlled), expected to be waited on and fought loudly and continuously. They did absolutely nothing to justify their existence. When my daughters arrived from university for the odd weekend, my DH could not fail to notice that they cleaned, vacuumed, washed dishes, helped prepare meals, were polite and respectful and never fought.
Slowly, changes were made, mostly because DH began to realize that his children’s behaviour was deplorable when compared to, not just that of my daughters, but my ten-year-old son. He was embarrassed and quite rightly so. Had he not worked so diligently at retraining his kids, I could never have stayed with him, despite loving him to bitty-bits.
Had he not worked so
thats awesome that he recognized that there was more positive growth and change for his kids and didn't just accept "this is how they are"
I really think Disneyparents who don't turn things around should raise their kids to their dysfunctional low standards....by themselves as single parents.
No normal sane person wants to "lock in" to decades long dysfunction and delusions
The self delusional likely
The self delusional likely have no cognizance of actual disfunction. They see the fully functional people of quality as the disfunctional.
It is up to the quality side to never tolerate the disfunctional in any way shape for form and highlight their crap and disfunction to the kids who are cursed with a shallow, polluted, and self delusional disfunctional end to their gene pool.
We did this by highlighting the facts and the SpermClan behaviors. We did not attack them, or try to alienate SS from them. We made sure he was as protected as we could make him and we made sure that he was as fully informed of the facts as was appropriate to his age at any given time.
Sadly the toxic failures that
Sadly the toxic failures that create these situations ascribe no magic to 18yrs. They keep their toxicity fully charged for ever and those kids are their manipulated minions for life.
They keep their toxicity
Lol at "minions 4 life"
Just need someone's step kid to come through with a tattoo kit for that one
My cousin was a single mom. I
My cousin was a single mom. I guess you could say she was a Disneyland mom. She new it and stayed single until her daughter was in college and she knew she would launch.
She's a good one.
She's a good one.
Knew she would give all of her resources to her kid and rightfully stayed single to benefit everyone involved
kudos to her
Dr. Laura would approve. My
Dr. Laura would approve. My one area of primary disagreement with Dr. Laura has been her demand that divorced parents remain single until their kids launch.
I do not think that is necessary when a divorced parent is a viable adult who does not coddle their kids or tolerate any crap from their X. IMHO kids need to grow up in an environment where there is a quality adult equity life partnership as the primary example the kids experience. Regardless of if that relationship has only one of the kid's parents in it and if their other parent is a spinless kid coddling moron.
An interesting statistic.
If your parents married others after divorcing, you're 91 percent more likely to get divorced. According to Nicholas Wolfinger in “Understanding the Divorce Cycle”, the risk of divorce is 50 percent higher when one spouse comes from a divorced home and 200 percent higher when both partners do.
Though there is no data I can find to support my premice, it makes sense that CODs raised within a strong marriage of equals will likely have far better outcomes as adults than those who are not. The key to this is that the BP in that marriage has to be worth a shit, and the SP in that marriage has to have clear standards for their marriage and for the kids in that blended family and tolerate nothing less than compliance to those standards.
It has worked for DW, SS, & me. Maintaining some fixed standards and simplicity and adjusting to evolving events has worked pretty well.
As usual, a KISS model.
All IMHO of course.
Not bring a new SO into a relationship / familyb
Is not meaning Disney Daddddy. It's means they don't want to deal with the whole dynamics off the changing relationship. The new SO especially with all the kids in the relationship. Will never be any form of a parent. Older SK have two parents already they don't need or want two additional parents.
'You give the kids / SK. Power and control to fight for there place. The kids were number #1 Now some other person is number 1. So the only eating chicken starts, only doing X. or Y.
'It's hard to impossible to have a mean full relationship with every one pulling in different directions. So waiting until the child in in college to start a relationship may be a good ideas
Honestly.. it's fair.. they
Honestly.. it's fair.. they are the ones that created the kids.. it's their choice how they parent them.. how long they will allow them to stay at home.
As the step parent, it's our choice to stay or leave.
It's not abnormal for parents to help kids past 18.. let them live at home.. come back home.. stuff happens.. even to "good kids".. and my parents helped both my brother and myself.. so I honestly don't have a huge issue with it in theory..
I agree.
I agree.
Though IMHO there is a key element that has to be present. The kidults have to be well behaved and comply with the standards set my the parents.
I certainly was helped by my parents. As was my brother though I have certainly had more help than he as. My parents had me when they were young (21 (dad), 19 (mom)) so they grew up learning to parent. By the time my younger brother joined the family 6 years later they had far more experience as parents and they learned as they raised me. So by the time my brother reached whatever age, they had already been there and done that.
No sibs except twins are raised by the same parents. Elder kids are raised by less experienced parents and younger sibs are raised by notably more experienced parents. Parents learn from experience. Interestingly, not manyt parents really recognize that they raise their children differently. Different kids have different needs, parents usually have increasing resources as they advance as adults and in their careers, and older kids train parents how to parent.
I am fortunate that my parents recognized this. When I was standing by for them to kill my lippy younger brother and finally said something when I was in my mid to late teens, dad let me know "Your brother owes you an eternal debt of gratitude for teaching your mom and I to be parents."
Helping a quality kid is very different than coddling a less than quality kid.
That helping should not sacrifice a partner or younger 2nd marriage kids, or even SKids.
IMHO of course.
I do think under normal
I do think under normal circumstances parents should help their children. But I know in my circumstance with kids who are not staying any more as teenagers and me not knowing them very well. wouldn't want to stay with me as adults I don't know. My SO would have to help them some other way. Maybe helping them rent an apartment. I don't know but it would uncomfortable.
You might not want it.. and
You might not want it.. and it might be uncomfortable.. but in the end... it might be the only solution for your family that would make sense.. if your husband's daughter was on your doorstep trying to leave an abusive relationship.. you know your husband would be moving her in.. at least short term.. and depending on resources she had.. or he had.. it might be longer term than any of you would prefer.
There are so many varied circumstances though.
The same might not be true for a kid who is in active throes of addiction.. who is refusing to work on getting clean...or a child who is physically dangerous..
again.. all sorts of circumstances.. but ultimately.. if the parents have financial resources.. the options to have the kid outside the home are greater.
I have a friend who has just had to bring their child home due to some life stuff.. and they are going to give him a soft landing.. he isn't in this space due to irresponsible living.. really... but the wife of the friend is going to be dealing with another adult male living with them.. that can't be easy too.
Certainly variables matter.
Certainly variables matter. Though IMHO it is the comprehensive view that determins the level and format of help a kidult gets. Any adult gets. If any.
If one catastrophic thing in their life goes to crap when they have created a fully crap filled life for themselves, my willingness to help is not present. If the comprehensive view is that they have made consistent effort and something goes wrong due to no fault of their own or a very rare poor decision, I'm potentially amenable to help.
The more our available resources to help has grown, I find myself less willing to risk flushing any of it down the toilet created by a lost cause kid or other flavor of family member. We've never been there with our kid or direct ILs on either sidebut we have declined to waste resources on lost cause extended family. We did learn this lesson with DW's cousin. That lesson cost us about $3K long ago. First was $2K to keep them in their home. Next was what turned out to be a $thousand bullshit story that the cousin had to get herself and their two boys away from an "abusive" DH. That turned out to be a money grab so DW's cousin could go on a beach trip with her GFs.
She tried to get more out of us but DW did not fall for it again. Requests to cosign loans, save cars from reposession, avoid eviction from rentals, pleas for us to pay for her grad school, etc... Nope.
DW struggles with having not helped more as the Unicorn cousin passed of cancer almost 2yrs ago. We know her truth and knew it for years before her Dx and recent demise. Many remain fully delusional on her being a Saint. The social medial worship of her is very active. She is DW's closest family member including her three younger sibs. This cousin is her BioDad's eldest niece and they were raised together every summer growing up. DW's BioDad was killed while MIL was pregnant with DW so there is a huge emotional platform regarding the Unicorn cousin for DW.
If an adult is allowed into our home for help, they will work full time and be our full time unpaid housekeeper
If an adult is allowed into
Makes sense to me!
A housekeeping task a day keeps the freeloading away. lol @ the second job they gotta get too
IF I had to agree to help
IF I had to agree to help some adult skids.....
I would rather help them from a distance
Ain't no Disneyland parent, conniving breeder, nor dom3stic t3rrorists destroying my peace in the home I pay bills in for more than what is legally required. (And damn sure don't want to deal with their sh*t before this either)
These Disney parents put us step parents through more than enough of their parenting b*llshit and to deal with it one millisecond past the age of majority is asinine
Staunch Disneyparents only learn from negative reinforcement (ex leaving them to single parent how they want since it mainly only affects them) ... let them do that 18 year bid - how they see fit - on their own.
*this is the same for my bio. I know life challenges can happen but I'd rather set the tone that IF any adult kid has to come back and live in my house .... it is absolutely temporary and all that Disneyland coddling b*llshit is out the window and MY rules or they can gtfo
I refuse to suffer indefinitely if I had a spouse who couldn't drop the Disneyland parenting act.
#mypeacefulabodeisNOTyour24/7respitecenter
#youneedrespitegolivewiththepersonyouworshiponmothersday
Lilly.. I get from your
Lilly.. I get from your experience that to that to you, a hammer, everything is a nail. And I get that it can be frustrating to be with someone that overindulges their child to the point that they create unpleasant people.
But,
Not every parent is a disneyland parent. Not every parent who is divorced with children is a disney parent. Not every parent that isn't a Hard A on their kid every time they screw up is a disneyparent. Not every parent that has a kid who isn't perfect is a disney parent.. and not every parent that is nice to their child is a disney parent.
Despite a parent's best efforts.. sometimes life happens. Even smart people make stupid decisions and most parents will help their kids, even when they have made said decisions. Even smart people that haven't made outright bad decisions can have bad stuff happen.. and as a parent of those people.. if there is an ability to help.. they will want to help.. Like the person who marries someone that is seemingly perfect.. turns out to be a pedo. Some things in life, you just don't see coming.. and can't imagine you know?
In a perfect world.. sure, if the parent has resources to help the adult child outside the home.. fine. But, sometimes coming home is an option due to limited financial resources on both parts (child and parent). As the partner of that parent, you shouldn't have to subsidize that, of course.. but we are also living in reality town here and sometimes the resources are what the resources are.. and if the child has some limitation that prevents them from working.. and the bio parent is unable to up and "pay more/their share".. yeah.. the SP will end up defacto subsidizing somewhat.
And.. yes.. the "child" should be contributing in each and every way that is physically possible for them.. working.. helping with chores.. cooking etc... They should be ensuring their presence is the least disruptive it can be and everyone should be working towards a goal of the child being out and independent again (if that's possible).
I mean.. believe me.. my parents were NOT disney parents.. but both my brother and I were able to come home at various times in our early 20's (and for him older when he got out of rehab no less).. It wasn't a bed of roses to go home... and yes.. we both would make the mountains move to get out of there asap!
Again.. not every parent is disney.. and while I can understand your perspective given your experience... it's going to be tough if you go in with a militant attitude to any new relationship with a "my way or highway" because in the end true partnerships mean both parties are giving 125% of their effort to their partner... and when both people do that? you are getting a great relationship.. the problem is when one person gives all.. the other person gives much less. When you want nothing more than for your partner to be happy.. and vice versa.. it tends to work out pretty well.
And.. yes.. my DH has two kids.. and at times was too soft on them... at times being a NCP could stray into DLparenting because he wanted to make the shorter time he had more meaningful.. but in the end.. he did have boundaries and expectations.. and both of his kids turned out better for it.
Im moreso referring to the
Im moreso referring to the Disneyland parents who expect you to use your resources and decrease your quality of life enabling their parenting/coparenting dysfunction and delusions
Your husband turned things around for the better without you having to take extreme measures so kudos to him.
My peace and my coins are way more important than some disrespectful Disney parent, disrespectful skids, jealous conniving ex wife, who will never view me as a human who has needs / deserves respect so if me being self-preserving/refusing to let another DisneyDad plus his multiple obligations con me out of the rights I work to earn/deserve is viewed as militant then so be it
Its one thing for Disneyland parents to acknowledge their unproductive parenting style and change for the better but it's another thing to be so deluded that these people see step parents merely as human child support subsidizers who solely exist to cater to their kids and ex (at their own expense and the expense of their relationship) just like they do.
.... you go in blind and naive (like I did with that Disneyland dad I used to deal with) and you will get swallowed up and taken advantage of real quick!
And no not all single dads
And no not all single dads are Disneyland dads .... but many of them are .... and most of them are aware they're too permissive and their kids are out of control little terrors
Thats exactly why they need women to come help them and can't stand being single dads for any extended period.
The ones who change for the better GREAT!
The ones who stay in dysfunctional patterns looking for sidekicks to enable them are the worst of the worst