ugh. i've been up since 3 am, drinking coffee and trying not to think. this happens way more often than i would like. i'm tired of being tired. i'm tired of trying to figure out ways of dealing with stuff.

so hard to sit still when there's things i could be doing. i just had to evict non-paying tenants from the house i own. i've never been a landlord before, i didn't buy the house to rent out, but when the boys didn't come home from their dad's, i was tired of dealing with the stupid place, and i was in school 3 hours away, so i moved and rented it out, which didn't work. now i have an empty house to clean up and put on the market, and i'm stuck waiting on a job offer so i can move back down there temporarily. school is on hiatus until money comes in. my bf hates his job, and doesn't know if he'll come with me and look for work there, or if he'll stick it out and wait for me to come back in 2 months. i wish there were other options, but work is scarce out here, and it's just not going to happen. at least i know i have a job waiting for me and work to do.

when i sell the house, what then? i don't want another big damn house to take care of. i'm so tempted sometimes to tell the bf to let his ex have his son so we can escape this nightmare. sometimes i want to be the disney summer parent. i want to have quiet during the year...i want to, you know, be able to afford a nice car and maybe going out to eat sometimes, and not worry about how to pay the rent. we could buy a tiny condo someplace warm, and have plenty of money to spoil kids all summer. his ex would be delighted...she'd be able to sit on her ass and collect welfare. don't get me wrong, i love the kid dearly, but it's SO frustrating...i gave up everything in my life that i wanted to do (my writing, teaching, travel, concerts, hobbies, social life, everything) to raise my kids, until their father finally stepped up (even though he was an asshole about how he did it) and just when i think i might get a break, i get with the bf and now i'll be raising his sons--all the work i just got out of, only with kids that aren't even mine.

i've been torn between ripping my ex to shreds to get my boys back, and just letting them stay with him. i thought they would be all right there, i thought maybe he would get a taste of what it was like to support 3 children, since he never did a damn thing while we were married or afterwards. if i was able to talk to them regularly, it would be all right, i think, but he's such a damn flake and he hates me. now, from tidbits i've picked up from facebook and from the kids, his gf lost her job and they're in danger of losing their house. wtf? i've had my moments, and i've never been rich, but for godssakes if you can't support the kids, send them back.

ugh. i'm so tired of going in circles, i can't see straight. i really wish i could be more active in the forums here...while it's awesome to know that i'm not alone in the things i'm going through, on another level, it's very hard to read these things. the level of toxicity that happens when parents split up is almost too much for me, when i'm dealing with so much myself. why do people have to be so horrible? why can't everyone do what's best for the children? why can't they even talk about what that IS?