I need parenting help
First it was pot and I tried not to get to worried. I grounded him for 2 weeks and he saw his counselor. She assured me that many kids experiment and i shouldn't freak out. Saturday sd and ds went to a friends house from school for a birthday party and dh and I stayed in and watched movies. In the middle of the movie dh starts messing with his phone and blows up a picture of ds standing behind someone drinking a beer. He called sd and asked where the party was and we were on our way. I asked dh where he got the picture and he said it was on sds Instagram. She took a selfie with her friend and ds was behind them drinking. When we got there ds swears he was just holding it and taking small sips because everyone had goaded him into having one. We fussed at ds all the way home and I grounded him again. He's going to go back to his counselor this week but I need some real advice from real parents. What am I doing wrong? His grades are good and he is still great around the house, i don't want to ban him from his friends but I really think he needs a new set of friends. The problem with banning his friends is that these are also sds friends and I think banning ds and or sd is going to cause more issues then it solves.
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hahahaha - remember one thing
hahahaha - remember one thing Hon.. he's a teen and yes he's going to rebel and try out crap, nothing you can do about it.
I simply took my Monster one night for a heart to heart talk, I explained the consequences of what can/would happen if he's caught drinking under age, unprotected sex, using substance, getting into fights...
Then I told him, now you know the laws, and you know what could happen (oh hell I painted it black for the bugger, jail time, criminal records, no work, no income, living on the streets).... Deigma still did what he wanted to do, with his friends, but I told him the consequences and when I got called one night at 2am, I laughed and said - I warned you sucker, not going to come and get you from jail.... you can stay there till they set you free... cops let him go the next day, see with us minors will be detained till they are truly sober and then let go.... or you as a parent can pick them up at 2am... this is for first time, and they got caught at a house not in public... he was never in trouble again for drinking under age...
There's not much you can do, they do get pressure from their friends, and banning his friends will make him more determined to hang out with them.... you can arrange your own little stunt with the police, if you ever see photo's like this again, go to the station, get a nice cop, tell him what's cooking and ask him to lock DS and SD up... then go home and let them suffer a night in jail,
The consequences riot act is
The consequences riot act is a good idea. Ultimately, kids will do stuff like this and honestly, neither of these things are in themselves a definitive marker that your child will end up on skid row.
Of course, he should also get some consequence from you. Perhaps a grounding for a weekend or something. But in the end, impressing upon him that he is now old enough to make choices that can result in consequences you cannot help him undo is important.
1. You drink and get caught.. you could lose your license for years just for being underage. OH.. and that means no job.. so no money to save for school or whatnot.
2. If you drink, drive and get caught.. well consequences range from legal problems all the way up and including your death or maiming or that of another innocent person.
3. Unprotected sex? You could have a disease for life and even a disease that ENDS your life. You also could get a girl pregnant and be on the hook for support for a very long time.
4. Don't apply yourself at school. - Not get into college, be forced to work a low-skill menial job.. not have nice things like a car, house etc...
5. Drugs? They are illegal and could lead to legal problems, fines.. jail. Oh.. and since they are illegal, they aren't regulated right? Who knows what is in that stuff? You could try something and it just be rat poison... kill you in an instant.
I made many poor choices in
I made many poor choices in high school and then I grew up okay. It happens. He held the beer and took small sips he wasn't chugging them.
Out of curiosity, what is
Out of curiosity, what is happening to SD since it sounds like she is either partaking or participating in these group events?
If you go the riot act route, I suggest you and DH BOTH do it with BOTH kids. If they are sharing friends, they are sharing experiences (more than likely), and need the same heart-to-heart. Plus, equal treatment of both may make them both listen more since it's "fair".
Then again, I'm not a parent, so I may not know what I'm talking about. However, my parents gave me the riot act speech and followed through on consequences when I did wrong. And the consequences were tough as a teen - losing my license/car, having to pay for my own mistakes (e.g. paid for a tow truck when I put my car in a ditch), having my curfew cut down to when I got off work, losing my personal computer (this was before smart phones), etc. I still did stupid things, but I more conscientious about them and tried to take precautions (e.g. if at a big party that could be busted by the cops, I didn't drink so I could run; parked my car places where I had easy access to leave).
Dh praised sd when she called
Dh praised sd when she called him about the pot and I did to because she called when she was in over her head and she felt like ds needed help. She wasn't participating and was telling ds not to. With the party this weekend dh started to yell at her and she yelled back that she had no problem saying no and she didn't see ds drinking or she would have called us. She said she didn't know there would be beer there. Dh didn't punish her and I can't think of anything to punish her for either. She wasn't drinking.
I'm not saying punish her.
I'm not saying punish her. I'm saying if you have the "consequences riot act" chat mentioned by other posters, it's a good idea to have the chat with her, too. No harm in laying out the ground rules and expectations for both of them, as well as identifying natural consequences to stupid teen decisions. There may be things she is participating in that she doesn't think have consequences - like being at a party where other people are drinking. She can still get in trouble for being there if they get caught. I think it's good to include a "hey, here's how you CAN get in trouble even if you aren't partaking yourself" part in the chat and at least include her in that.
Interesting that SD is at all
Interesting that SD is at all these parties yet she's not partaking of any of the libations...only DS....I call BS! SD is just as guilty but she's smarter in the fact she's calling out DS to you guys so you aren't checking in on her.
As for DS he's a teenager and yes they experiment, given his past he might be more prone to substance abuse so it's good to keep the lines of communication open.
If she was partaking wouldn't
If she was partaking wouldn't DS tell on her to get her in trouble too? Above OP says SD does claim to be sober and has exposed SS before but who knows?
No, he wouldn't. I know this
No, he wouldn't. I know this is just me inserting my own feelings into this, but when my SD lived with us, when she was doing bad things, she would make sure to point out anything my DS did that was wrong that we didn't know about. She did it to cover for the things that she was doing that were wrong.
I would go with the
I would go with the consequences speech and a grounding but I would also talk to your son about peer pressure and how to deal with it, what to say and do.
If he has low self esteem perhaps think about ways to help him boost his confidence. If you do not want to ban him from his friends you could just try and see if you can help him to expand his social circle to include some kids who will not put him in those kinds of situations. Perhaps taking up a new sport or theatre or music of some sort could help with his confidence and a new social group who are a better influence on him. Perhaps a Saturday job?
To be honest, if this was my
To be honest, if this was my son this is what I would do.
He broke the law. He just didn't get caught BY the law. So when you break the law there are consequences such as jail time, fines and community service. I would make my child pay a "fine" of oh let's say $50.00 (or whatever you think will hurt his wallet) this fine may be returned upon the successful completion of jail time (grounding) and community service. Ground his ass and since he will have a lot of spare time, call around and see what your son can do for your community and sentence him to (enter hours of your choice here) of community service.
I was a rebellious teen --
I was a rebellious teen -- drinking, pot, breaking curfew. But my grades were good and I was involved in healthy activities. But I swear I spent most of my junior year in high school grounded.
Break a rule -- there are consequences. That's real life. Fines, extra chores, grounding, whatever gets his attention. And you must be consistent and follow through with any threats. I don't know how my parents didn't lose their minds.
I ended up fine -- did well in college, steadily employed. Don't despair!
Isn't there a bit of an age
Isn't there a bit of an age difference between BS and SD? I find it odd they both went to a birthday party for the same person. Did you check out who was having the party? If there was beer at the party, there is a good chance there was no adult supervision. Maybe it would help to become learn more about his friends and try and make contact with their parents.
I also am beginning to wonder about SD's motivations. I she really trying to help him, or is she trying to keep him in trouble so no one is paying attention to what she is up to.
I have some questions. How
I have some questions.
How old is DS?
Why was he seeing a counsellor prior to this? (Only for background about the kind of person he is and the way he handles challenges.)
What are you worried about? Some parents would be concerned about smoking pot or drinking because for his health, for the social environment he's part of, because it's against the law where you are - and some of that would also depend on his age.
I live in a country where pot is legal from 18, and beer/wine is legal from age 16 and everything else from age 18. So that would possibly put his behaviour in a totally different light.
For me, when it comes to teens drinking or smoking pot, it's always that element of 'to excess' that worries me. I think, as a parent, I'd be focussed on making drinking or smoking 'to excess' less interesting