I'm glad you updated us.

It sounds like you are thinking clearly and keeping yourself a priority until you can figure out things. I'm a fan of taking things slowly. Best to you!

Thank you for the update and we all stand behind you here on Steptalk. Your SO should be ashamed that he didn't discipline his daughter more harshly and BM needs to stop slapping her kids! Of course, you can't control BM.

Way. To. Go! You’re doing amazing looking out for yourself and I’m glad you took action! That was for you!!!

Did any of this ring in his head that this is a problem that he needs to fix? Or is he just blaming you for all the upset?

I think you are making a good move. If your fiance won't handle his daughter slapping you, then it's good that SOMEONE with authority tell her what kind of trouble she can get in for doing it. If Daddy gets his undies in a bunch, just remind him that if he had handled it, punished her appropriately, and made her apologize (and mean it) that you wouldn't have had to take matters into your own hands.

This is his failure as a father just as much as it is his daughter's failure of being a civilized human being.

Great job! You did everything right. So sorry it had to turn out this way.

Brava, Letti! Good on you for slowing things down and taking care of You.

Your update warms my heart, because often women come to this site asking for advice only to completely reject it in favor of the fantasy that exists only in their heads. It's so encouraging to hear from someone who genuinely wants clarity and is willing to be her own hero.

One of the biggest challenges in steplife is that you cannot rely on what anyone says - even your SO. ESPECIALLY your SO. It's actions & behaviors that count. Skids, BMs, in-laws, and BFs all have their own wants, agendas and versions of reality, so you have to observe, form your own impressions, and be true to yourself. Look up the divorce rate for second and third marriages - it will curl you hair. Keep reading on this site. Read the book Stepmonster, find all the info you can on stepdynamics, and educate yourself about bended families. There is no excuse for ignorance these days.

While you do this, observe with a critical eye what actions your SO takes to deal with his troubled kid. A man of weak character does not a good husband make.

I think you've done the right thing. If either parent is opposed to taking the SD for counseling, this may be the push they need. I also think that getting your own apartment is in your best interest, and will send an appropriate message to your BF. Kudos to you.

Letti I’m very moved by your update I feel the assault on you does warrant severity of consequence through the police, and since your fiancé is not able to protect you or keep you safe, the police must. Slowing things down is the best course of action, maybe he was trying to fool you into marrying him before you figured out SD harboured violent thoughts against you.

good on you Letti - you did the right thing.....

I would seriously extend my 4 month lease to permanent or until SO sorted his brat out, will your 4 months be some sort of a dead line,
SO to step up and parent his child, I know it will not be 100% in 4 months time but I wanted to see a difference, and I saw one.

I'm late to the game, but want to put my $0.02 in.

For SD14 to feel it was appropriate to have been making snarky comments to you all along, and for her not being checked for that long ago, is not a good sign. She is under the impression that the two of you are equals when you are not. You are the adult, she is the child. This entitlement and poor boundary issue came about due to poor parenting. Slapping and adult is about as disrespectful as a child can get. And for SD14 to avoid accountability for it by refusing to apologize means she doesn't want to give up her inappropriate control and take her place as the child. She wants to remain entitled and in control and unaccountable. She needed to be put in her place, and she needs to be kept there. I am absolutely convinced the BM was in on this. Here is an article on Relational Aggression: https://www.steptalk.org/node/61081

For her to react that strongly, obviously the hostility was there all along. But I refuse to believe she cannot control herself. If people couldn't control their impulses to hit others, we'd all have criminal records. It's just not something you see every day. Have I ever felt the strong urge to slap the shit outta someone? You betcha, but I never have. She needs a consequence, and reporting this to the police was absolutely the correct decision. She is 14, so this will not be part of her permanent criminal record. But her parents did not come down on her hard enough, and even if they did, she needs to be on notice that this is illegal behavior.

Others have already said DH did not do enough about this, and they are correct. In fact, IMO, he should have been the one to call the police, right then and there. My SD is a mini psychopath in the making, and I've been in her life since she was 5. DH keeps "talking to her". It hasn't helped, she has gotten worse. Why shouldn't she, when there have been no consequences? She hasn't assaulted me -- yet -- but next time her toe crosses the line, she will be going to the pokey.