I hate when people have skids calling non parents mom or dad.

I feel for you. My advice right now is to find another job ASAP!!

Your still in the process of divorce: You can have it worked into your decree that

a) Mother and father or any dirivitive of those names are reserved for the biological parents.
b) Parents can have No unrelated overnight guests of opposit sex until the relationship is legally binding (married).
c) work into the CO that you have to agree on child care at a 'licensed facility'.

Just understand this works both ways. A judge is not going to just order this for dad, it will apply to you to. And it may sound like a GREAT idea right now... and a few years from now when you have a new guy in your life and want to life with him... but really dont want to get married again/yet: this will prohibit you from doing it.

Shit...Ok first of all, beware, some of the posters on this site are not very BM friendly and can bite. Thick skin on and take it with a grain of salt. I am a BM and a SM so I will try and be fair with my opinion. Oh, and welcome by the way.
Your exH is an asshole. Sorry, but it's the truth.
As far as him telling your babies that the new fiance is their other mommy goes...For now, I think that it his way of pushing your buttons. The fiance showing up in skimpy, tight clothes is just her way of getting under your skin. Fuck her and pay her no mind.
You can tell your kids to call her Miss _____ whatever her name is. Teach them to be respectful of her. Try not to poison them against her or the dad. It only makes things worse for EVERYONE involved.
Now, have your kids told you how she treats them? If she treats them well, then as a BM that is ALL you can ask of the woman who is now with your ex. They don't need to love her, but they need to respect her. If you can get free babysitting? Then so be it. She might not be so quick to pop a ring on her finger once she sees what taking care of 3 babies feels like. Let her marry your ex, chances are, if he cheated on you, he will cheat on her. YOU, be the classy, elegant, can't beat me down lady and let them live happy ever after. YOU deserve better and YOU make sure they NEVER see you hurt, crumble, bitter or sad. His games will backfire, they always do. PLEASE do not start playing games using the kids to get back at him. HE is the asshole, you don't know this girl yet. Try and be cordial. You don't need to be friends. When it's time to drop off, go as pretty as you can go, smile, kiss your babies, and say "Enjoy your weekend folks." and walk away. Cry in your car, vent here with us, but don't let them make you crazy.

I am a Step and a BM. Unfortunatley you can not control who your DH has in his life. You will eventually have to accept she will be around your kids if they get married. Do you have a lawyer? If not get one.....get a shark! You can get a clause in your decree that states that a stepparent 1. must respect the parenting plan, and 2. Can not be called any designation such as mother, mommy, mom etc. If so and you hear or learn of your kids calling her that you can hold him in contempt. It also sounds as if he is trying to start using PAS tactics. Google Parental Alienation Syndrome or HAP Hostile Agressive Parenting, it sounds as if he is trying to emotionally abuse and control you. I would strongly suggest a lawyer.

You will always be your children's mother. However, Let me say,and there are many times that this kills me as a bio mom, there is nothing you can do about what goes on at your ex's house-- unless they are in physical danger. YOU can tell you kids that it hurts you for them to call another person mom, you guys can come up with another name for her (be nice ). I saw one that was kind of cute the other day "Numa".

From the way you describe your ex, she probably won't make it down the isle anyway. You ex is trying to stab at you because you aren't his doormat anymore. Don't let him see it get to you. Play as nice as you can- even if all you want to do is punch him in the face. Also, this woman, she is clueless. Just remember that!!

I'm sure you feel lost and alone right now, but you are not the first person to have been down this road and there is a lot of help and support out there. While I don't think anyone would have an issue with you being a member here, and you can probably get valuable advice, I would say in addition, try and find a support site for specifically what you are going through as well.

You said that you have filed for divorce, is that final? Are you still working through the agreement. If it is not finalized, and depending on the kind of co-parenting that you want, I would recommend going to a family councilor with your children's father to help work through the logistics of your new lifestyles and how it will affect your children. I would also recommend that you do some research on PAS (parent alienation syndrome) and make sure you take the steps in your agreement to prevent it as much as possible.

On a personal level, I do not get along well with my ex and I would HIGHLY recommend researching "parallel parenting" and see if you can outline your custody agreement that way if you feel that you will have high conflict in the future.

Lastly, and I don't mean to be harsh, because I know you are in a tough position, but, your ex is an ass, with that said, you can't control what your ex does in his home and his personal life. Unless the kids are in danger you really don't have much of a say. The best thing you can do is outline your custody agreement in a way that protects your children and try and move on with your own goals.

Wow. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

You should really consider seeking counseling for yourself. That can be a great way for you to vent and learn healthy coping and co-parenting strategies, and how to deal with your ex and his GF in a civil way.

He shouldn't be telling your kids that GF is the other mommy. That's only confusing them more. As a SM, I can't believe the GF is going along with that. I started dating my now DH when my youngest sd was 5. No way did I or do I want to be called their other mommy. They're great girls and I love them but I'm not their mom.

Do kid exchanges at a neutral place, like a restaurant, gas station, or a police station (if you feel your safety is in jeopardy or either ex or his GF act like a$$es).

Keep all conversations with ex about the kids.

Your ex's GF definitely won't be the other mommy. But if he does marry her, she'll be another adult authority figure in the kids lives. For that reason, you do need to treat her with civility. Do you have to love or like her? Nope. Not at all. But it's best for the kids if all the adults can be cordial to each other. You do need to prepare yourself for the reality that you'll be seeing more of her at the kids events and maybe parent-teacher conferences. The good thing about those conferences is you can book a separate one from your ex (and his wife if she chooses to go). Then you don't have to see them

If you don't have a court order outlining who gets the kids when, child support, alimony and transportation, you need to get one. ASAP. Some people have it in their court orders that the kids can only call their bio parents "mom" and "dad." You might want to look into that.

She dresses in tight clothing and wears a bikini top when you come get the kids? She sounds very insecure and young. Vent about her and get some laughs about her from your girlfriends. Don't let the kids hear you doing so, though.

Best of luck to you in navigating this situation. It's great that you came here to look for advice from SPs.

Hi ldovey, first off let me say that I am sorry that you are going through this and that your exH is such a selfish prick. I know it's hard to hear, (my ExH cheated on me) but believe me and others when I tell you that things WILL get better, and at some point in the near future, you will see that all of this was a GOOD thing and that you are much better off!

Now with that said, unfortunately you are going to have to deal with him for a very long time as far as your kids are concerned. Your first concern should be your kids and making this transition as smooth as possible for them right? I think one of the first things that you need to realize is that you can not control what happens in your EX home. (other than abuse) Just as you will not want him trying to control what happens in YOUR home. It sounds to me like your EX is trying to bait you into fighting (saying fiancé is better than you, asking kids to call her mommy etc) Please, I know it's hard and it will be for a while, but don't give him the satisfaction. Cry at home, cry to your friends, cry at church, cry in the car, scream in your pillow, take up kickboxing, but keep it together when dealing with your EX. You've got to take the high road.

If you have read around people's blogs here you will see that one of the BIGGEST complaints of step moms and Bio dads is meddling, boundary crossing, drama making BMs. Don't let yourself fall into that category, you are better than that. You probably know that this won't last, if your ExH couldn't be faithful to you, history will most likely repeat itself.

{{{hugs}}} to you, I know how much it hurts to be betrayed and it will take a long time for you to get over this (if ever) I STILL have major trust issues because of my ExH and that was almost 10 years ago. Cheating leaves a scar bigger than any knife could make. But it WILL get better, there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.. you just have to get there.

WHOA!! The "SM" is NOT their mommy and he should not be telling the kids to call her that. That is crossing the line. When you go through the divorce, make sure you get the custody and child support all worked out.

And also, Find another job!! Keep your chin up and I'm sorry you're going through a divorce and all that comes along with it.

Wow what a jerk! I'm a stepmom, and I really feel for you. I agree with them posters above on pretty much everything. It's so unfair to ask your kids to call someone else mom. I would never expect that of my sd. Yes that girl is trying to mark her "territory" by showing off. I agree as hard as it might be, try not to poison the against her. One day when they are adults, they will come to their own conclusions. Good luck dear and I'm soooo sorry you are dealing with this dbag. Hugs!

I agree you need to find another job. I wouldn't be able to stand seeing my exH every damn day. I'd probably spend my days plotting on how I could poison him and not get caught.

Welcome to the board. Divorce is difficult no matter who starts it. Sometimes I think prenups should be require, just because it ensures that people have in writing how they would want their soon to be ex treated while their still in love. Divorce has a tendency to bring out the uglies in people. It’s not right that he is asking the children to call his new intended mommy. It is disrespectful to you and to the children. That being said, there isn’t much you can do about it. Sure you can try to put it in the court order; I don’t know how far that would go though. As far as this women being around your children, you don’t get to control what happens in his home. Aside from abuse and neglect, you trusted this man enough to have children with him. You need to trust who he brings the children around. It’s going to be hard, especially with jealousy and other emotions swirling through your mind. In the end though, think about whether you would want your ex dictating to you who you can bring the kids around when you are finally ready to date and/or marry again. Unless you are completely open letting him have the same veto power as you do for future SO, you need to let this go. One other thing, I know it’s easy to get mad at her, but he’s the one you are bitter with, he’s the one who promised you the moon, not the woman he’s with. Sorry you are going through this. Maybe get some counseling for yourself and the kiddos, to help make this life transition easier. Best of luck.

I can understand why you feel the way you do, especially when it's apparent that this 'woman' had no regard for the fact that he was/is still a married man with kids.

I don't think you need to worry about them calling her mom...YOU are their mom and always will be, and they will know this. Before long, they will come to dislike her anyway, not only because she's 'taking their daddy away from them', but especially when they learn under the circumstances that it happened.

BTW, I doubt the relationship will last. It sounds like a rebound situation.

Unfortunately you may need to seek employment elsewhere in order to distance yourself from this hurtful situation.

Sorry this is happening to you and good luck.

Wow, after just starting to date - they become engaged & he tells them to call her mommy?

Idk what advice to give, he sounds like an idiot.

Wow. He is a douche.

Okay, I am a step and bio mom... But I have to tell you first, try to recognize that his fiancée has nothing to do with this. There is no need for you to feel threatened by her in anyway - seriously, I mean it. Your kids will always put you first, no matter how much they might come to like or even love this woman. Please do not make the mistake of becoming the horrible birth mom that so many stepmothers have to deal with - you have a chance to rise above that.

As far as caring for your kids, unless she really is a poor caregiver, don't worry about her being alone with them. Just think of her as a babysitter if you must - but don't make it more than it is, because you'll only drive yourself crazy.

Your ex-husband is pulling the "call my new fiancée mommy" thing only to hurt you. Once you can recognize that for what it is, you will be able to let go of the hurt (it's his problem not yours) and then gently address this with your kids. Your five-year-old is most certainly old enough to not only discuss what they should or shouldn't call daddy's new fiancée, but your five-year-old will also correct the other children as time goes by.

So if I were you, I would sit down with my kids and talk very nicely about their new stepmom, and share that you are "mommy" but maybe we could come up with a nice name for them to call her? Let them mull it over, and every time it comes up, just gently talk about it again until they finally decide on a nickname that they want to call her. You just have to keep it nice and sweet though, nothing that would be taken as a slight on her part. Remember, if he was lying to you all that time, he's lying to her as well. She probably has no idea about how he behaves towards you.

And of course you are welcome on this forum, you have to deal with the stepmom, so what better way to find out how to do so than from step moms?

He has most likely told this new woman 1000 lies about your marriage and why it ended. He has probably told her that he will "never" cheat on her. He will. This won't last. In the meantime, he has put her on a pedastool and she is probably feeling pretty powerful. That will crumble. Don't worry about her. It's not all her fault - your ex is feeding her BS. She may see the light once she has to really step in and take care of 3 young kids over a weekend or whatever LOL Keep being a rock for your kids get a lawyer with a solid CO.

The higher he soars the farther he will fall. And the less you act like you care, the more he may stop some of the immature bullsh*t he is pulling.

Oh, and LAUGH, because now he is HER problem! LOL

welcome!...do not be scared to be on this board!...yes, be cautious because there are ALOT of SM's on here...I am both...but since I live in Stephell I only consider myself a BM at this point, but that's a whole other story on it's own!...you will find that there are some of us posters that are not completely anti-BM....I'm about fairness...so if a BM is being crazy, I will call it....if a SM is being crazy, I will call it...I don't care....others on here only see things through SM glasses...like another poster already stated, just be prepared to have a tough skin!....

your soon to be exh is a complete f'n asshole...while I agree that you can not control what he tells the kids regarding the GF, they are still your children too and you should sit them down and have a talk with them and explain to them that you are the mommy and she is daddy's GF and the could call her Miss so-so....my children have never called their SM "mommy"...never...they call her by her first name...but if people ask them who she is they will say "this is my stepmom"...and I have no problem with that...

If they need something to call her besides her name, have them use 'Bubby'. I can't remember which, but in some culture it means 'grandmother'. That would be funny. }:)

Obviously kidding, I'm a SM so wouldn't advocate the kids being mean to her...

Lovey, are you still with us? Or did you jump ship? Sorry for the back & forth. But congrats to you! You got over 100 replies in like what 20 minutes?!?!

As a SM, if I was with a man that had what some of what these women are telling OP to do, it may have been better for all of us:

1. Don't talk bad about new SM in a bad way to your kids, it would make it worse for them. (she is the one who your exDH cheated on with, i'm assuming, but the kids probably don't have any clue what is going on and in time they will realize what really happened and come back to you full swing)
2. Don't engage with new SM, it will just create drama. (which ever one may come along)
3. Have custody order/child support set in place. A MUST!!! Do your research!
4. Don't talk bad about exDH in front of kids.
5. Maybe even seek out a therapist to help you deal with all these new emotions that you will be going through.
6. Ignore the drama from your exDH. He will probably be a complete ass to you or even threaten to take on full custody. Don't feed into this, he is just looking for a fight.
7. Get over your feelings that you have with new SM/exDH, refer back to #5. It could help you a lot!
8. Stay strong and carry on!

Good Luck OP!

all true, but at the same time new GF/SM shouldn't try to engage BM either...that also means not enforcing the kids call SM "mommy" either...it goes both ways....

ldovey3 - I'm not a BM. I have no children but I'm going to pipe up anyway.

Thank your lucky stars this cheating SOB is onto someone else. Please get checked for STD's ASAP. Your STBexH is a jerk. A big jerk and his behavior is geared towards breaking you down and manipulating you.

I don't believe anyone but the BM should be called Mom or Mommy. Now there are a few cases on here where the BM took a powder, so those are exceptions. However you can't control what is happening in his home, regardless of what the CO states. Additionally, contempt charges are extremely difficult to enforce in most cases (except abuse) and are usually a huge waste of time and money.

Start looking for a new job. I don't know if you have a good relationship with your boss/supervisor but maybe you can confide in them and they may be able to help you find a job somewhere else. There is no shame in leaving, though your STBexH may spin it like you were running. You are, in truth, taking control of your life by not allowing this jerk and his disgusting fiance to taunt you.

Echo said something truthful, once a cheater, always a cheater. You are unloading a man who will always make you miserable. Good for you and take comfort in the fact that once the shiny wears off, he will be trolling for someone new.

Another thing....the smug, tight clothes wearing, bimbo is going to grow board playing mommy. She has no idea how difficult step-parenting will be.

The custody order and visitation schedule.

1. line out medical/dental/vision/orthodontist care and responsibilities. Especially who is responsible for care uncovered by insurance. How it's paid and when it's paid.
2. line out life insurance coverage for the kids from this point through whatever your state mandates as the age when child support stops.
3. line out a visitation schedule. Especially holidays, school breaks, mother's day and father's day.
4. line out a summer vacation plan. Typically the non-custodial parent should submit the dates by a certain date (like 4/1) and the custodial parent has two weeks to respond to agree or disagree.
5. line out drop off and pick ups. In cases of long distance, consider meeting in a neutral spot halfway. Also, do not allow ex or bimbo of the month inside your home. The same for you, drop off/pick up at the door or curbside. Set boundaries, which include neither of you should enter their home (except in cases of medical emergency).
6. line out day care and expenses associated with it.
7. line out how often child support will be re-evaluated.
8. line out teacher conferences (suggest separate) for the kids.
9. line out communication between you and the exH - I highly recommend email or text only. And limited to urgent matters only.

Always remember this is about making your kids as comfortable with their new life as possible. Never bad mouth their father and never bad mouth the flavor of the month. If your kids mention her or anything she's done, say that's nice or good for her. You don't have to say anything else. Also, do not allow your children to badmouth their father or bimbo of the month in front of you either. Gently reprimand them, tell them you understand they have these feelings but it's not okay to be disrespectful.

Your STBexH and bimbo of the month may badmouth you. You can't control that. Please take the high road. History with drama queens (and he's a drama queen) suggest he'll try and engage you via phone, email and/or texting. Only respond to real matters that concern your children. Ignore any attempts to draw you into an argument or a pissing match.

I recommend counseling to help you over this hump. To give you a safe place to vent. To help you recognize a manipulative and cheating personality in the future.

Once you're healed, then consider dating but don't make the same mistake your STBexH has made. Don't bring any men you're not planning on marrying around your kids until you have an established relationship. Be a stable force in their lives. I didn't meet my skid until her father and I were dating nearly 5 months.

Please let us know how things are going. I hope you and your children come out of this relatively unscathed.

:jawdrop: Sounds like this guy is a total jerk. I can promise you are better off without him, and in the long run, after 5 "new bimbo mommys" come and go and he has 3 baby mommas and child support starts to choke him he will implode and realize that you were the best he ever had and regret it for the rest of his life.

I agree that you're probably better off without you (soon to be) ex. But you're in the position to either take the high road and move on with your life, or become the angry, stereotypical ex wife/BM. And, it sounds like you hate the fiancé already, which is your right I suppose. As someone who is hated by BM for no good reason, I just caution you to keep your anger and hurt directed at where it belongs, and try not to let it consume you. Maybe she knew that he wasn't supposed to see anyone. Maybe she didn't. If he felt he had the right, then she didn't really do anything other than be involved in a bad situation your husband created. If she's younger and wears tight tops, she probably always has- it's not directed at you. You can certainly voice an opinion that it's not appropriate for her to walk around naked in the house or anything, but do you really want to try to introduce a dress code in someone else's house? Would you do that to one of the moms of your kid's friends? Your kids probably don't see any worse at school or the mall...

You need to be confident in who you are. You sound like a strong woman who has had a hard time. Stick with that, and focus on your future. She will never be the other mommy. As a SM, I think most of us do NOT want to be the other mommy. We have our own lives, often our own kids, and generally we just want to enjoy the company of your children when they are over, not take over your life and make them think we "Mom 2.0+". We just don't. I think it's a biological mom fear, but it's unfounded most of the time.

Be careful what you write in consent orders/MSA/whatever. The kids are going to call her whatever they feel comfortable, and that is almost NEVER mom. They have a bond to you, and that's irreplaceable. You don't need to write that in an MSA- you look crazy. No overnights for opposite sexes is a stretch- what if friends are over and there is a couple? Does the wife have to leave? What about people that have been partners forever but don't want to be married? If they're walking around having sex in front of your kids you can get a judge involved and say you're concerned for the kids wellbeing, but to dictate his life is a bad start for you. Keep an eye on your kids and their behavior and moods, instead of trying to run his house. Childcare is tricky too. If you're going to insist that only mom or dad are the ones able to watch the kids, keep in mind that you don't get to have babysitters either. And when you're happy and have a boyfriend, you don't get to run out to the store and leave them with him. Again, this goes back to trusting yourself and being strong. If the kids are being hurt by her, you'll know. Keep an eye on your kids and stay loving and positive. Trying to create all of these rules is going to make it even more toxic, and you'll screw up your kids more than a few hours with the girlfriend ever could. In all likelihood, she isn't evil and trying to hurt your kids.

And, congratulations on being strong enough to ask for another perspective. It's not a chance that many stepparents get. Most of the time we're hated from the get-go, and it seems to be the goal of the BM to make the kids hate us because they do. It's harmful to the kids. Be the great mom you are, keep being involved in their lives, and try to look forward. Inflicting as much damage on him/her as you can will only damage you in the long run. Live your life and be happy!

That sounds like a mess. I'm so sorry.
I don't think it's unreasonable that the kids be put to bed first before this person arrives. It sounds like they haven't even known each other for very long. If they actually get "serious" and not just crazy jumpin serious of my fiance I met last week... then I'm sorry to say that I would never leave my home for a kid. It's my home too and I'm an adult.

I'd have the least amount of contact with her as possible. He sounds awful. I'm so sorry.

My two cents is this:

At this point, in moving forward with a divorce, your kids relationship with their dad is their business. (unless they are being physically harmed, not being taken care of since they're still young, etc of course). You cannot control what Dad does at his house and by the sounds of things, you certainly don't want Dad controlling what happens at your house.

You can demand in the CO that the kids not call anyone else mother. But honestly, the kids know who their mother is. They will always know who their mother is. And no matter how much boobs McGee tries to be Mommy, she will never be. And she'll get sick of trying and the problem will sort itself out anyway.

And stop worrying about how she dresses and looks. It's none of your business and you shouldn't care. I'm sure you're beautiful and have so much to offer the world, your children, and whoever you may decide to put in your life. Focus more on YOURSELF and Your Kids and don't focus on her and him and whatever stupid thing they are doing. Because when you do the right thing, everything seems to fall together in the end anyway.

It may not seem like it now, but he will eventually get his.

I hope you read all the way to my response in this. I know this is tough. I know you are hurting.

But you have to do whatever it is you can to change your thinking around. The guy screwed you over. Of course that hurts. But you have to think about it like this: "BOY am I lucky that I didn't give one more day of my life to that loser cheater!" And: "If she wants my leftovers, GREAT! Maybe he will have less time to focus on making MY life miserable." or "I just want him to be happy because if we both are happy, my children will have the best childhood possible."

Oh, and get a different job, if at all possible. Or maybe be moved somewhere that you don't have to see his flavor-of-the-week flouncing in to pick him up.