Twas the night after New Year's
And throughout BM's house
Not a creature was stirring
Except BM's louse
The boxes were piled
from their most recent move
But BM was out drinking
Not a moment to lose

Her children were sleeping
across town in their beds
While BM got her drink on
Blotto out of her head
SO in his pjs
and I in the same
had just fallen asleep
Because we're totally lame

When out on the streets
there arose such a clatter
Neighbors sprang from their beds
to see what was the matter
Her truck was pulled over
Blue and red lights did flash
The cops came to her window
She was totally trashed

They asked for her name
A fake one she gave
"Can't we just forget this?" She cried
But the cop would not cave
When what to his wondering
eyes should appear?
A prescription pill bottle
and an open canister of beer

She swallowed the pill
despite his best efforts to stop her
Then she got mouthy and loud
"You won't make this stick copper."
I'm done with this nonsense
I'm going home she said
With her breath full of booze
and her eyes bloodshot red

On Miranda, on jeopardy
on excessive force she cried
I won't take your damn PBT
So what if I lied?
She refused field sobriety
Wouldn't blow in the machine
Go fuck yourself copper
Alcohol makes her mean

To the jail she was taken
Where she refused once again
The cops wanted to beat her
But instead counted to ten
Then to the hospital she was taken
for a legal blood draw
She kept pulling out the needle
With her squared off jaw

Then back to the jail
where she was finally checked in
She looked bloated and drunky
Her neck swallowed her chin
She made calls I am sure
But no one answered at all
Still she sits in a jail cell
While she curses and bawls

She will bond out eventually
Of this I am sure
There are plenty of people
Enabling her
Though it's a week and a day late
There is just one thing to say
Merry Christmas to you BM
You just made my day.