First of all I am still laughing at how we will be referring to BM as Doody! I call mine a psycho ho's beast - PHB for short! Anyway about SS and the lying. My SS just turned 8 and he has tried to push some lies alot more here recently btw mom's house and dad's house. H and I are married and have been together since SS was 3. He told a lie last weekend that his mom's BF grounded him because he tripped over his little brother and fell into the wall and made a little whole in it. Well right off H and I were like what part of your body made that little whole and he was say this bone right here on my back. Well I talk to his mother at a baby shower later that weekend and she tells me that SS was looking for something under the couch and cramed the couch up against the wall and the corner of the wall scraped a chunk of dry wall out! I said ohhh that is not what he told us and gave her his version. His mother continues to tell on all the things he does bad at her home...that we do not have the same problem with. So that afternoon me, H, and SS go to get his Halloween costume and I say "SS I talk to your mom and she told me why you got grounded from the xbox and it was not because you tripped over your brother" ... Silence he says nothing so H and I proceed to talk to him about lying btw the homes about what goes on and the whole lying gets your in trouble etc and SS speaks and says well my mom lies. My SS and your SS is at an age where they will play the game to get what they want. I use to take it really really personal but the older I get I am 31 the less I take it personal and take it for what it really is. He is a kid who gets the best of both worlds and thinks mostly of himself. In your case SS probably was tired of homework and did not want to do anymore and your H getting onto him made him mad because he was not getting what he wanted so in order to take the heat off of himself he threw it on his dad. My SS throws the heat on his dad and anybody else that he can just so it will not be on him. Sort of like when kids are playing and one is in trouble and you get on to them and they say well 'Tommy' did this in efforts to take heat off of them. Doody walked in the middle of your H handling SS so SS took the heat off himself. I know your feelings of wanting to whip, scream and be ugly to him because of him lying on you. I have had those feelings so many times and ask myself why and then it donged on me Step G he is a kid and will act like a kid. So I told myself think back to when you were that age how were you (now I feared my mom and did not see my real dad growing up so I did not do lots of the things my SS does but I did tell stupid lies like all kids do)? and while that does not totally resolve my feelings about the situtation it helps them. SS is not going to think like we do because he is not an adult. As far as punishment goes for the lying I have no answer. We have tried punishment for it but he still does it when he needs to which brings up good point SS tells the lie when he NEEDS to. when the lie is going to save him from something. Not necesarrily benefit him but save him from something. You cannot control SS and Doody's relationship and how he acts with her just as I cannot with my SS and PHB. H and I long ago resolved to let what happens at BM's stay at BM's and only worry about what he does when he is with us and at school and when he tries to talk crap about BM's we tell him we do not want to hear it and as far as I know BM is now doing the same thing. Does your H and Doody have a civil relationship or always fighting and she is psycho because if she is that is big part to SS and the lying and acting out. Head up young person I have felt so many times the way that you feel!

Laura,
We have the same things going on at our house. The same lies, stories, false accusations, and total manipulations told by SD16 because she feels she has to do "whatever it takes" to get what she wants. This includes no feelings of remorse on her part or taking any responsibility for her bad behaviors.

Her justifications- "Mom lies and makes up things all the time and she never gets in trouble for it. So why should I?"

Oh, perfect!

But at least in YOUR story you were the good guy! (I'm usually the BAD GUY in all of my SDs stories- and I'm usually alseep while it's all unfolding, too!)

So what to do, what to do? Well, what we do (or at least what I've discussed with DH to do with SD16, since I've totally disengaged from all this craziness), is parent the child like DOODY IS DEAD.

She doesn't exist at all. POOF! She's gone. She may still cause havoc and chaos, but the rules at your house still apply to your SS.

SS lied. There are rules about lying and he broke them, so there are consequences for lying that he now must face.

And if you don't have a house rule for lying, you better get one in place- and fast. And let him know ahead of time what the consequences are for breaking it.

And the same goes for any other rules you and your DH think are important for his moral development that Doddy is screwing up. Build it into a "House Rule" - and enforce it each and every time SS violates it.

Parent like she's nonexistant.

By the way, "Doody" is just a great name!

We call our BM "Slinky" because she's like a useless piece of metal. But she will bring a smile to your face if you push her down some stairs!

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

killing me with the doody thing!

We have been dealing with the same need for my SS (now 16) not to disappoint and to only tell people what he thinks they want to hear.

I have found that if I ask him "did you" type questions he lies. Period! Did you do your homework? Yes Dad. LIE. Did you do your chores? Yes Dad. LIE. What grade did you get on your research paper? The teacher has not given them back yet. (After two months) LIE.

So what I now do is "Show me your homework? Answer: I have not done it yet. Ahhh THE TRUTH which is all I wanted to begin with. Lets check out your chores? I did the dishes but have not vacuumed yet. MORE TRUTH. Lets check your laundry you told us you did yesterday folded and put away. I did it but did not fold it. I just crammed it in my drawers. YET MORE TRUTH.

When he knows he will get caught he does not lie. He does not like having to complete the stuff that he normally would lie about then forget but at least we don't have the knock down drag out arguments that we had historically.

Most recently. You told us you were going to turn in those two journal assignments you are missing in English class. I did dad. Not according to the electronic assignment grade sheet we get every week from each of your teachers. Oh, I guess I did not do it. It is so busy here and they have me doing ........... LIE AND DISSAPPINTMENT BECAUSE A TIGER CAN"T CHANGE ITS SPOTS! But the disappointment is less frequent when rather than asking him questions we insist on an action from him. "Show us" "lets go look at", "where is the grade from .....", "Get your school assignment planner and review it with us".

The household tensions are much less when we keep him boxed in a corner where it is very difficult for him to lie. His life is hell but the family vibe is much better.

Some day I am confident he will get it figured out.

Liars never win, at least not for very long.

In your SS's case since you have a functional relationship with BMs family when he starts complaining about being grounded at BMs just pick up the phone and tell him, lets call your Mom and talk about it. That pretty much shuts down any BS from SS before it starts. If the relationship is viable, BM should do the same thing when he is spouting crap about stuff in your home.

I truly wish we had the same quality of communication and mutual support with my SS's BioDad. But, we spend more time countering the toxic crap from he and the SpermFamily than we should have to.

Good luck and best regards,