What the heck? That's some bizarro stuff.

I'd suggest DH just go to complete radio silence with BM. Do not initiate or respond to any communications with her. Give up on any keepsakes or visiting the cemetery (for now).  Just disappear as far as BM is concerned.

People like her want a reaction. She wants to know that she still has a hold on DH, can make him angry and has power over him. Since the child is no longer alive, she can only use his grave and their belongings to control DH.

Going to a cemetery is not necessary for grieving, some people never do it. My guess is that someday, if BM gets absolutely ZERO reaction from DH, she will no longer want to pay for that security guard and this will all go away.

Don't do anything yourself except support DH. This BM sounds like she's batshit crazy and grieving, and DANGEROUS.

Unless she owns the cemetery, hiring a security guard to keep someone out could very well be illegal.

I agree with tog, your DH should try to mourn without any contact with BM. I’m sure there are keepsakes or photos he might like, but are they worth the fight...especially at this time when he’s in the midst of what I can only imagine is mind-blowing grief. 

If BM really did burn furniture (I’m having a hard time imagining a place where this could happen without the fire department getting involved) then she is certifiable and your DH should just cut and run. If they no longer have a child, they have no reason for contact. He needs to focus on himself and his own grieve without getting pulled into her crazy.

You're having his first living CHILD? I'm horribly confused. Did they lose a child or a pregnancy? 

Just stop trying to do anything WITH her. The child has passed. The divorce is final. There is nothing left to keep them holding on to one another.

He needs to give the cemetary some time, she isn't going to keep a guard there forever. Give it a year and she will grow tired of this game. 

It isn't worth the emotional damage to keep this fight going. Just remember the child and keep those happy thoughts and pictures that you do have. 

I don't mean to be too morbid but what exactly are the pictures and keepsakes of that CHILD that didn't survive birth.  I mean, what exactly are those things? It's not like there are years of the child's life memorialized in pictures etc...

And.. I don't mean to dismiss the fact that he is mourning the loss of his child.. whether the child lived one hour.. or 10 years etc.. I just mean logistically, there isn't much there that could be split up?

I think your husband would benefit more from therapy and you would be better served not trying to insert yourself (your pregnant, reminder she lost her baby self) into any of this.

The woman sounds angry and bitter... just from the loss of her baby?  Or.. are there other circumstances that are factoring in?  Did you get together with your DH while they were together? before the birth/death of their baby?  I can see that kind of timing making you extra persona non grata to her.

Bottom line. He needs to accept that he is not entitled to any more than he was awarded in their divorce.  Stop engaging her on that stuff.  He needs to seek counseling to move himself through his grief.  If he is permitted to visit the grave without you?... you can stay home.. or be dropped off at a store nearby etc.. This is probably not one of those times you need to be "right".  In all likelihood, with no living child between them, your DH and his EX should be able to move on with their lives without dealing with each other.  That is something that a lot of people on here wish they could have.

The best possible thing you can do is to get him some therapy.  Losing a child at birth is truly horrible.  But clearly this happened quite some time ago if he is now married to you and you are expecting his future child.  He needs help moving on from what was a terrible chapter in his life rather than continuing to allow it to haunt him.  Frankly this sounds like a 1980's V.C.Andrews novel straight out of "Flowers in the Attic" or something.  No, I am not saying this is fake.  I am saying this woman is crazed at the loss she suffered and is trying to drag your DH into the crazy with her.  Don't let that happen.  Grief is normal.  Hiring security guards at graves and bonfires of furniture while staring down from a window is not.  People move on from tragedy every day.  The key is giving themselves permission first and sometimes that takes professional help.

How long ago did the baby pass away?

How old are you?!? You are whining about the "unfairness" of this situation?! Seriously? LOL This woman has dealt with losing a baby and a husband who didn't even wait for the divorce before he knocked up somebody else. Then he has the balls to ask for their dead baby's furniture?? You want to bring your pregnant ass to visit the grave of her dead baby? Are you friggin kidding me?? You're lucky all she did was burn the shit.

Sorry, this is getting to bizarre for me. 

This is hands down, the most insensitive post I have ever read here.  OP, let it go.  That is truly the nicest thing I can say.

This can’t be real. You wanted nursery furniture that was meant for a baby who didn’t survive birth? I can’t imagine why on earth anyone would think that BM should give that to you. Especially based on the timeline I’m putting together, you were pregnant while they were still married? 

And in 7 years DH never thought to save the photos that supposedly mean so much to him? It wasn’t until you were in the picture that it became so urgent for him to have possession of these photos? I’m not buying it. 

Finally, YOU have no reason to go to the cemetery. Geez. If your DH wants to go, let him go alone. It is borderline psychotic for you to insert yourself into that situation. 

I’m sorry, I just cannot believe this is real. But if it is, the problem is you and your clueless DH. Not BM.

Is this post even real??? Details of this story do not add up.....

Also if this baby passed away at birth how many photos are there of this child?

Asking for the furniture was beyond the pale.  

There are a lot of marriages that don't survive the loss of a child.  There are a lot of divorces that drag on well past the expiration date on the relationship.  Some jurisdictions require x period of separation as the beginning of the divorce process.  So perhaps there was an extended period between separation and finalization.  Having said that, if you (and your pregnancy) were the motivating factor in their divorce the furniture request is that much more cruel and absurd. 

Do you know why their marriage ended?  

How much of this fuckery is his driving and how much of this is your own? 

I get the impression that the divorce was not due to the strain on the relationship over the loss of the child - an inability of one or the other to move forward in life.  If that were the case, all signs (based on the mother's actions) would point to her "being stuck" and the father not - meaning his ludicrous requests do not come from a place of grief.  If I had to guess they come from a place of competition that originates with you.  Even if you weren't a factor in their divorce.

Why, and don't claim for sentimental reasons surrounding a child that has long since left this life having never been present in your own, would you encourage such behavior out of your husband/father of your unborn child?

While she doesn't appear to be behaving entirely rationally, what did you really expect?  Truly?  

Was she supposed to just hand over the remnants of her prior life, the loss of her child that devastated her?  Compounded by whatever factors were at play in the divorce (that was just finalized)?  As though she should be overwhelmed with joy at the request?

Your lack of compassion or any bit of remorse over your involvement in this chit show are a bit uncomfortable, not quite second hand embarrassment.  Is second hand shame a thing?  

I think, rather than examining the mother's motives, you should take an honest look at your own and figure out what drives your urge for such a sick competition with this woman.  Death is final in this world, there is no need to burn this woman to the ground in order to lay the foundation for your life with him.

Everybody's behavior in this situation, from what you've said, is gross.  They lost a child and a marriage.  What is your excuse?

7 years ago... or at the time of the divorce.. that was when your husband (not you.. never you) should have gotten what he wanted from the marital home.. pictures.. crib.. whatever.

You can't imagine why the woman wouldn't want to give him a crib that was meant for her deceased baby... so his "next" wife's live one could use it? 

Think about that OP.  You lose your baby in childbirth, the loss of the child is also the impetus for your relationship ending with your husband.  He moves on and finds a new woman.. impregnates her and then comes back years later and says. "yeah.. that crib we were going to use.. can I have it.. my new wife is pregnant.. wanna congratulate me?"

seriously.. no. 

And.. your baby will at some point in it's life learn that their father had another child that didn't survive it's birth.  I don't think that expectations of your baby wanting to visit the grave are all that realistic.. and by that time, of course, BM likely will have moved on from the 24/7 guard situation... which honestly seems to just be about you.. so why not just let your DH visit his child's grave without you.

You are making this about you.. you are bringing his old relationship into your home.. just stop.

How were the pictures printed?  Does Walgreens still have the digital files?

vibe. 

I cannot imagine my reaction if a woman came along and demanded furniture that belonged to my diseased child. And wanted to use it for her baby. Why? Why would anyone think that was a good idea? 

Just move on. There is no reason to have any contact with his ex anymore. It sounds like he is the one making her life hell and not the other way around. 

Yet this meets all the rules and no profanity so it's allowed...eye roll.

This cant be real.

All I can say is karma is a bitch.