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Not sure what to do. Advice pleassse

LaMareOssa's picture

Submitted by LaMareOssa on Mon, 07/30/2012 - 6:17pm

DH and I live on the west coast of the US in the Pacific Northwest and some of his family and most of my family live in Virginia. We have always wanted to move to VA. DH is originally from VA and I've only visited, but I absolutely LOVE it there.

As some of you know, DH got custody of SD10 back in January and her BM has supervised visits every other weekend because she is psychotic. DH was offered a few jobs in VA and his grandmother told him that if we move out there, she is willing to give us her house near the beach-5 bedrooms 2.5 bath. It's a beautiful home that would fit our family better than our small 3 bdroom here. I have talked with BD6 and BS3 about moving and they like the idea because they loved VA when we were there last summer. I told them not to say anything infront of SD yet. SD has heard DH and I talk about moving to VA in the past and she has said she would love to move there, but I know she would freak to know we're actually moving there-3000 miles away from her crazy mother and her ultra weird grandparents and aunt. The only reason DH never moved back is because he wasn't willing to leave SD behind, but now that he has sole custody, he really wants to move. I worry about moving SD away from her family. It feels like a big fuck you to BM-hey BM, DH has custody and now we're moving and you're never gonna see your daughter again. It's not like she can see her family or BM every other weekend living 3000 miles away. I worry she wouldn't adjust too well at all. Her mother was court ordered to get mental health treatment, a job and a place of her own before she could get more time with SD, but BM has failed at even TRYING to accomplish any of that. Moving to VA has been a dream of ours and we would be so much happier there-at "home."

I know that if SD was mine, she wouldn't have a choice, just like BD and BS have no say in moving or not and DH and I, as the adults shouldn't base our life decisions on whether or not we're going to upset SD or not....even though I know moving would make everyone happier in the long run.
And I also have this feeling (even though it's bad to admitand say outloud) that if we get SD away from her crazy mother and grandparents, she will be better adjusted an happier in the long run an I know if BM had the chance, she would take SD and be gone forever. I just hate to feel like we're "stealing" SD away from BM now that DH has custody, even though it's not the case and I know BM would do it if she could. And we can't just get up and move...DH has to go to court, fight with BM through the courts and wait for the judge to approve. Ggrrr Sad

So, should DH and I move our family and be happy, or should we stay here to keep SD happy?????

Comments

Hanny's picture

Submitted by Hanny on Mon, 07/30/2012 - 6:28pm

Yes, move, she's only 10...now is the time before she gets any older and starts into middle school. She will adjust. We moved my DD a few times, and she adjusted. You could agree to foot the bill for her to fly back every 4 months or whatever you can afford to visit her BM and grandparents. Sounds like it would be a good move to me. But I'm wondering how a 6 and 3 year old can keep something like that quiet from your SD. I think she may already know your thinking seriously about this.

LaMareOssa's picture

Submitted by LaMareOssa on Mon, 07/30/2012 - 6:35pm

Actually, they haven't said a word. It's almost like they've forgotten about it. I know that if DD had said anything SD would be asking a million questions..or she would be moody and pouty, but she's not. Wink And I also told BD and BS that it's only an idea right now and we're not sure yet, so maybe thats why they've forgotten about it. Smile

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

Submitted by GoodbyeNormaJean on Mon, 07/30/2012 - 10:39pm

You aren't stealing her away. Her mother gave her up when she made the choice not to abide by the court order, get the counseling, job, and place of her own where she could HAVE SD.

We're going through this with my brother right now. He's 28, and has a 5 year old son that he doesn't see. He doesn't see the kid because he refuses to comply with the terms of the court ordered supervised visitation. Mmmmkay, fine. Nobody can make him comply. He complains constantly that the baby mama is keeping The Boy away from him. The fact is, he's a junkie, and nobody is keeping the kid away from him. He's keeping the kid away from himself.

Look, the BM in your case is making the choice not to get her crap together and have custody of the daughter. Maybe moving far away will give her a bit more motivation to get it together and see the kid. I'd be damned if I'd tether my life to a place I didn't want to be to enable someone who wasn't even trying to get it right to see a kid 2 weekends a month. Nope. Move on with your life. The ball is already in the BM's court.

SadStep77's picture

Submitted by SadStep77 on Mon, 07/30/2012 - 11:47pm

Are you sure it is going to be that easy? I had sole custody of my son when I lived in Washington state and had to get permission from his BF to move to California. I've heard horror stories of bio parents making it impossible for the other to relocate with the kiddos. Thank god my ex didn't give a shit!

LaMareOssa's picture

Submitted by LaMareOssa on Tue, 07/31/2012 - 2:13pm

I honestly don't know. I know that minus all th court crap-piece of cake. But, I know that it will be hard for DH to move if BM decides to throw a fit in court. I honestly don't see how a judge can stop a family from moving when the situation will only improve for all involved...except for BM,who will feel like DH is stealing her daughter.