My head spins...
I am the parent of 4 children. I say parent because I have been mom for almost 10 years now. 3 children are technically my step children. I have had a mostly good relationship with the two boys (ages 12 and 15). My step daughter (14) will be an entirely different blog post for another day.
My oldest son has recently been telling horrible lies. Lies of a magnitude I have never known. He does see a therapist, and I really am just not happy with what the therapist says about it.
Recently SS 15 told his friend that my SD was killed in a school shooting (SD 14 is in a group home) last Friday. I came home to flowers sent from my son's best friend's mother today. I called his friend's mother and immediately told her I am disgusted and apologized. Once my son gets home I will be driving him to their house and he will pay Janet for the flowers and he will apologize himself.
I am mortified. This has been a constant problem with the lies, but a lie of this magnitude has me seriously alarmed.
My son's therapist told me some babbling nonsense about how it is him expressing his hurt for his sister not being here. She suggested I not do anything because of the embarrassment it will cause him. Can you imagine? I should just allow something like this to slide!?!
I really just need to vent and figured maybe there is someone out there who has had a child lie about something horrible like this before.
On the other hand, maybe there is not. It is a lie of a magnitude that I really do not understand or comprehend. Why not just say his sister is away? Int trouble? At her mother's? Anything but lie about a school shooting......
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More sympathy for him if she died
More attention and more sympathy. The drama is part of trying to get attention, that perhaps hes lost because of drama with sister?
How easy it is for your SS's
How easy it is for your SS's therapist to offer up shite advice that fails to include any correction or consequences whatsoever.
Your SS may indeed have feelings about his troublesome sister, but those feelings don't make lying and attention whoring an appropriate response. They are symptoms of a deeper problem.
Where is your H in all this? Why are you the one handling this mess? Could the kids be acting out because they resent the fact that an outsider is parenting them more than their parent? Some food for thought.
Your H should accompany you and his son to make his apologies and amends to his friend's parents. He should be the one running point on this, not you.
I don't think they consider
I don't think they consider me an outsider. They have not seen bio mom in 10 years. I am mom. Could they resent it? Possibly. It has not been an easy ride with any of them. That's for sure. My husband works two jobs. A lot of it falls on me because I am the one doing the mom part. I took that part on 10 years ago willingly and do not regret it.
I see a lot of posts on here suggesting disengaging and almost making it ok to be cruel to children (and this is certainly not directed at anyone here....) but, I actually love my step children. I love them as much as my own biological daughter. I knew it would not be easy. My husband had custody of his children because their mother was unfit and abused and neglected them. To say I never expected any problems due to their biological mother's abuse would be me being naive. To be honest, I expected problems a lot sooner than this.
I know there is an entire psychology behind abused children. I know there is a very real possibility the kids could suffer from mental illness ( mom is definitely mentally ill- last we heard she had 3 more children with 3 different fathers and was just arrested for hitting one with a hot frying pan), but from everything I have ever read or been told- mental illness does not include lying. And, lying is our main issue with this young man.
My step daughter, whom I also love deeply, is absolutely showing signs of a true mental illness. She has become unsafe around our other children, and removing her from the home was the only option. A post for another day.
Anyway, I do not wish to disengage. I do not wish to bash children who have some very legitimate reasons for having some issues. I just wanted some advice.
All of it was sound advice, but do not blame my husband. He knows what is going on. He is as confused and exhausted with some of the problems as I am. I took this role on voluntarily 10 years ago.
Thank you all for your advice.
Lying is a common behavior
Lying is a common behavior with disordered people. Read up on Axis II personality disorders. BPD, HPD, and NPD are just a few disorders where lying is a common part of the pathology.
Mental disorders can run in the family
SS may not be that normal also. This comes from either BM and her family or BF and his familyn
I am aware that mental
I am aware that mental illness runs in the family. My husband and his extended family are all well. I will never truly know what bio mom has going on. I don't think my husband ever really knew her family, and she started showing signs after the birth of their second child. We aren't positive the youngest is even my husband's, but he refused to allow her to take him when she left after being investigated for abuse for possibly breaking his femur. Best decision he ever made for that child.
I assume anyone who abuses children like that, gets investigated and then runs away (literally fleed the state) has some very serious issues. My guess would be she must have anti social personality disorder or be a true psychopath.
They believe my sd has anti social personality disorder, but will not make an official diagnosis until she is 18.
I swear, with the "advice"
I swear, with the "advice" some of these therapists give, ANYONE could be qualified to be a therapist... There are some really great ones out there. But something like that??? Your SS needs to learn responsibility and owning up to his actions. I think your path is the smarter parenting move. Also yes he will be embarassed. And he'll learn that if he wants to avoid said embarassment, then he shouldn't do the stupid like that.
We have hit and miss too. SD10's therapist suggested that we talk to Psycho about "switching up her work schedule on her visitation weekends." We've tried that. NOPE! Regardless, she does damage, and the Psycho loves drama, neglects the kids, and emotionally harms them. More time with her frankly would be a s*** idea for their future.
Its really hard to find
a therapist who does whole stepfamily counselling . It might be time to switch therapists or ask the therapist what her end goal is and what plan she is following for dealing with ss.