Don't feel lonely. We are here - the cyber sistas - to listen and comment. You are never alone.

I am glad that you could get all that out and I hope you feel better for it. Not everyone can just up and leave and ultimately, that may not even be what you do. Let me make a suggestion, though, and that is to start working on yourself and your needs.

I gained a bunch of peace and happiness when I stopped letting others feelings or actions control me. Like you, I lost a bunch of respect for my DH and I knew leaving would be best. That is still my plan as things here fall into place. Until your outcome falls into place, it will serve you best to understand, on a deeper level, how to bring yourself a "life within a life"....a way to peacefully live with the chaos.

I started with working on my boundaries. It took practice but I settled on what I would and would not accept from another person. Then, I started working on my own reactions to things. It can feel good to get angry and stay pissed off at someone for days or weeks but it is only hurting us, not them. I decided I didn't want ANYONE to have that kind of power over me so I slowly started changing my reactions, observing the situation without any emotions at all, like a third party just coming on the scene.

Now I completely understand the statement that "no one can make you mad, only you can allow it". It feels weird because on a deeper level, I wanted to feel mad and angry because I thought those feelings were justified but they just aren't. Nothing justifies making me feel so sad.

I still get angry over things as I am not a robot but it is much easier to quietly analyze how I choose to react so that I am being true to myself. It has also helped me NOT react to the smaller things which in turn has reduced my initial anger of things. The other night, my DH lied to me about something while we were at a party. In the past, I would clam up, get teary and spoil all the fun while I stayed there in misery. This time, while I was angry, I knew that I did not want to have this same typical reaction, a replay from the recorded reactions throughout my life, so I left, which is what I wanted to do, and went to another party. I had a blast, no "poor me", no sadness. I owned it. I owned my actions and was happy about it. My DH did NOT control the outcome of my happiness that night. I did. Me.

I hope these words help you find some comfort in knowing that while you cannot control what others do, you can control your reactions, your immediate environment and, most importantly, your own happiness

Don't be hard on your friends. If they are true friends, they see/know what you are dealing with and want you out of it ASAP.

If their "rushing" takes the form of action(meaning they are willing to help you leave)and not just words,then they may actually be great resources.

Don't feel like you have to do this by yourself. If you have people in your inner circle that would help you, don't be afraid to open up to them.

You could try booking some sessions with a councilor and letting your husband know that you are going and he can either come with you or you will go in your own. That way you two can either see if things can be improved with the two of you or you can get your feelings straight in your head and a little support for your next steps if you end up going on your own.

I hope that the new year brings some rays of light and you can find a way to move forwards to a better situation.

We don't know you but we care. Glad you got that out, very sorry you feel so alone but glad you are reaching out.