You are very wise. Good for you for going to therapy. I feel you on experiencing yet another one of those types of men when you thought your male issues stemming from a cold dad are resolved. However, you are very strong and self aware and I'm sure you'll kick that male issue to the curb for good in short order.
I've started reading your blogs to give me strength to leave my DH. I've made steps (building up credit), saving mone, getting health insurance so I can go to counseling, etc but its the mental part of it all that is going to be the hardest - Feeling like the last 9 years have been a waste of time, having to forget the good memories (knowing there were 10 times more bad ones then good ones), etc. It was almost like you wrote this list for me. Except for the late wife, drinking and dating profile everything else describes my DH. I copied your list and will be reading it over and over the next few months.
And the storage unit was something I hadn't thought of. I plan to get one the month before I finally walk away. I wish all the best!
We're going to talk about all the red flags I saw in the beginning and ignored.
This ^^^ is the issue. You are such a nice, giving person and you just give too many chances. You did it with XH2, also. You have to learn to walk away when they show you who they are. A person's basic personality and behavior patterns don't change, especially at our age. And certainly not without A LOT of work, which most people aren't willing to put in.
Nobody's perfect, but as soon as you see things in a person that you know you absolutely don't want in a relationship, it's time to say good-bye.
I've followed your story since your experiences in your last marriage and admire how clear eyed you're being about ending this relationship. You've been patient, and you've been understanding. You've continued to evolve by working on yourself (Yay for You!!), but your ex hasn't.
I think many men in our age group are resistant to doing any inner work, prefering to continue slogging through familiar old patterns even when those patterns no longer serve them. It doesn't matter how many dating profiles your ex creates as long as he isn't capable of being fully available emotionally; any relationship he has will have a short shelf life.
Engaging in individual therapy was a boon for me after my XW marched out of our final couples therapy session after the therapist presented that after 6ish mos of working through eacn of us, our family backgrounds, and our personal family dynamics, we would now start working on the lack of intimacy in our marriage. She stood up, announced that she did not have a problem with sex, and left the session.
The next 4ish months of individual sessions were integral in building on the couples work and reconnecting me with the man I enjoy being. Invest in you. It is the best investment anyone can make. For therapy, and in life. My last 1:1 session the Doc told me that if anyone had told her that the young dymic man with the "childlike zest for life" was the same sullen defeated middle aged man (I was 26) who had come in for couples therapy 9mos before she would have called them a liar. She then told me I was welcome to keep coming to session but that her advice was it was time for me to go live my life. So I did.
To the best of my ability to live well for me, and for the people I love. Which... is even best for the people I don't....
Comments
You are very wise. Good for
You are very wise. Good for you for going to therapy. I feel you on experiencing yet another one of those types of men when you thought your male issues stemming from a cold dad are resolved. However, you are very strong and self aware and I'm sure you'll kick that male issue to the curb for good in short order.
I've started reading your
I've started reading your blogs to give me strength to leave my DH. I've made steps (building up credit), saving mone, getting health insurance so I can go to counseling, etc but its the mental part of it all that is going to be the hardest - Feeling like the last 9 years have been a waste of time, having to forget the good memories (knowing there were 10 times more bad ones then good ones), etc. It was almost like you wrote this list for me. Except for the late wife, drinking and dating profile everything else describes my DH. I copied your list and will be reading it over and over the next few months.
And the storage unit was something I hadn't thought of. I plan to get one the month before I finally walk away. I wish all the best!
This is so healthy. You're on
This is so healthy. You're on the right path.
We're going to talk about all
We're going to talk about all the red flags I saw in the beginning and ignored.
This ^^^ is the issue. You are such a nice, giving person and you just give too many chances. You did it with XH2, also. You have to learn to walk away when they show you who they are. A person's basic personality and behavior patterns don't change, especially at our age. And certainly not without A LOT of work, which most people aren't willing to put in.
Nobody's perfect, but as soon as you see things in a person that you know you absolutely don't want in a relationship, it's time to say good-bye.
You are an inspiration to a
You are an inspiration to a lot of people on here who feel stuck in bad situations. Stay strong!
This was a great exercise..
This was a great exercise.. and I'm happy that you are feeling a little better about things (relatively).
It reminds me of what they told me to do when I quit smoking... make that list and when you are feeling weak... go back and re read it!
Glad to hear you're feeling
Glad to hear you're feeling better and your therapist is right about remembering to be kind to yourself
Rags has a 3 day process for ends of relationships
Do a search for it. I can't remember the details but I do remember thinking "That makes sense".
Unless he works on changeling
Everything going to reman The same. I mean getting help , and actually work at changing. Why go back to what you left
I've followed your story
I've followed your story since your experiences in your last marriage and admire how clear eyed you're being about ending this relationship. You've been patient, and you've been understanding. You've continued to evolve by working on yourself (Yay for You!!), but your ex hasn't.
I think many men in our age group are resistant to doing any inner work, prefering to continue slogging through familiar old patterns even when those patterns no longer serve them. It doesn't matter how many dating profiles your ex creates as long as he isn't capable of being fully available emotionally; any relationship he has will have a short shelf life.
Engaging in individual
Engaging in individual therapy was a boon for me after my XW marched out of our final couples therapy session after the therapist presented that after 6ish mos of working through eacn of us, our family backgrounds, and our personal family dynamics, we would now start working on the lack of intimacy in our marriage. She stood up, announced that she did not have a problem with sex, and left the session.
The next 4ish months of individual sessions were integral in building on the couples work and reconnecting me with the man I enjoy being. Invest in you. It is the best investment anyone can make. For therapy, and in life. My last 1:1 session the Doc told me that if anyone had told her that the young dymic man with the "childlike zest for life" was the same sullen defeated middle aged man (I was 26) who had come in for couples therapy 9mos before she would have called them a liar. She then told me I was welcome to keep coming to session but that her advice was it was time for me to go live my life. So I did.
To the best of my ability to live well for me, and for the people I love. Which... is even best for the people I don't....
I have found anyway.