I was reading an article online about body image, and parenting or something like that when I suddenly had a flashback from relating to the story so much. It wasn’t entirely pleasant until I started thinking about it more and reflecting on it. Here is what I was remembering:
I think It was shortly after I had my 3rd child I was at home in my husband and I’s room when I turned to my husband and I said I wasn’t happy with the way I looked and asked him if he still thought I was beautiful and why would he want to be with someone who looked as horrible as me. (I was very self-destructive toward my body image. Especially having been around so many females that have that lucky super-human genetic ability to be a size 4 immediately after having a child) My husband is not one of those types that really likes to think before he speaks and the answer he gave me I know he wasn’t think about first but he told me, “you look fine” ( in response to me saying I wasn’t happy with the way I looked) and he pretty much ignored the question of if he thought I was beautiful, and then we got down to the most important question ( well important to me) and His answer was “ I remember what you used to look like” and probably some more to that response after that but I think my ears shut off at that point. I was too focused on what I had just heard to hear anymore.
“How I used to look?”…….. What’s that supposed to mean? Did he realize what he was saying? ; Or how that one little section of sentence had just totally crushed me instead of reassuring me. “How I used to look”….. Oh I started getting mad and sad and hurt and emotional all at the same time. I think I even started to cry.
He thinks I was just emotional from hormones then, but in fact Our daughter is now 13 Months old and those words are still haunting me. I know that I don’t look the same and never will but the fact remains that I needed him and he didn’t understand That not only did I need him but I needed him to say what I wanted to hear, for reassurance, peace of mind if you will.
Keep in mind my husband is not always so absentminded to say things like that. He will usually respond in such ways as “that’s a trap”, “not answering”, or “you already know” which I do dislike since I want to have conversations with him but maybe deep down inside I actually like it because it prevents any argument, or any self-destruction. But I am now realizing over the past week, I am getting more comfortable with how I am right now. Yeah sure there are always things about ourselves we want to alter, fix, size, etc. But I have actually been becoming “me”.
I always observe others, my friends, family and how they seem to just be “them”, comfortable in their own skin, body image, whether they are skinny, in shape, pudgy, overweight, etc. (of course that’s me looking at them, not me being them) And I wandered to myself when I would get to that point. That point of just being an adult, a wife, a mom, and just be me. No one to try to put a façade on for, I am already married so no trying to impress anyone….except myself if I have the energy to… no more pressures like we all felt in high school and junior high ( yep, started feeling on the outs that early even though I was a twig) no worries about anything or anyone. Comfortable being me, and if someone didn’t like it, well they can just go….. well you know the rest.
I think I am finally getting to that point. I’m less worried about allot of things. Just want to work, take care of the kids and build my relationship with my husband. Its nice to have these self-realizations.