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Cruise for Bday and learning to disengage.

Kayhenwal69's picture

Submitted by Kayhenwal69 on Mon, 01/23/2012 - 9:26am

This blog will be a two parter. My sweet DH took me on a 7 day cruise for my birthday last week. It was wonderful because it was just me and him. We had a wonderful relaxing time. We laughed and joked and spent the whole time together without all of the stress. He totally spoiled me all week. So I am happy.

The second part is the vent part of the blog. My step kids didn't tell me Happy Birthday until really late after they saw other people posting it on Facebook (which hurt my feelings). Hubby said it was because they were busy and waited until they got home. I of course do not believe this. Is it too much to think it would be nice if they offered to do something nice for me since I do so much for them? I am not asking for gifts that is not it, but I would like for them to volunteer to cook dinner once in a while or instead of taking my dry clothes out of the dryer and thowing them in a pile on my bed, to at least just fold them up and lay them nicely. When me and DH go on trips I usually would buy them gifts to bring back. Keep in mind they are all young adults. This time I didn't. Anything that I did buy that I thought I would give them I have decided not to.

I have went out of my way to make life better for them since I met their father and have done way more than I should have (their mother rarely does). I am taken for granted and am way over it. What I would like is some suggestions on the best way to disengage without causing strife with my DH as he is really a great man. He is a Disney dad to them though and thinks that they should be totally taken care of without having to do it themselves. For example, SD23 will show up for dinner and expect to be included. Any suggestions on how to pull away some and not rock the boat would be greatly appreciated.

Comments

Kayhenwal69's picture

Submitted by Kayhenwal69 on Mon, 01/23/2012 - 10:02am

Thanks for your comments. That gives me something to think about and possibly a different way to think about it. I definitely will consider your advise. It actually is nice to have people to open up to that can understand the situation. No I do not have any bios, the opportunity never presented itself and now I am older and set in my ways. But you are right it might be helpful to consider how my mother feels about me. Thanks again for the different perspective. Smile

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Mon, 01/23/2012 - 10:15am

I disengaged from my SDs about 8 years ago, when they were about 6 & 8. We still have them EOW and some holiday time. I didn't make a big announcement, I would actively discourage you from even telling DH you are going to disengage. This can be like throwing down the gauntlett and might result in a row. Just gradually lay off doing the things that you have done up until now for the SKIDs.
It should not be too difficult, as your SKIDS are adults, and I assume none is living in your house? (But if not, I am slightly confused about your remark about taking your clothes out of the dryer?) You could start by setting a boundary around meals - they HAVE to let you know a day or two in advance if they want to come for a meal. Your DH needs to be on the same page as you about setting new rules. If he is not willing to be you may have a problem - but it will be with him, not them.

Kayhenwal69's picture

Submitted by Kayhenwal69 on Mon, 01/23/2012 - 11:08am

Good idea about the gradually doing it and not making an announcement. We own Two houses. One of which we live in and one of which my mother lives in full time and SD23 lives in the basement apartment in it part time. These houses are right next door to each other and she does her laundry at our house at times because her Boyfriend's dad made comments about her doing laundry at their house.

DH has been getting better about being understanding with the rules. I told them one time that they would be on their own for dinner because DH had a work meeting and they couldn't make up their minds what their plan was. He totally agreed with me.

StubbornEnough's picture

Submitted by StubbornEnough on Mon, 01/23/2012 - 11:53am

I am lucky enough to "share" the same Bday as Miss Snitchy, age 17. Our Bday is in 3 weeks, I am counting the days because she will be 18, not because I will be 40. }:)

On her 14, 15, 16, and 17th Birthdays, she said, "I want to spend MY birthday with MY DADDYYYYYY". :sick: Of course you do, because you have no friends.

We have 5 teenage girls all together, and the other 4 always have Bday parties with FRIENDS and family. Not just "MY DADDYYYY".

By the time we got to the 17th bday, I had become used to this, and I make plans to go out with my sister for dinner and drinks or something, and let Snitchy have HER DADDYYYYYYYYYYYY. I don't bake her a cake or anything, let DADDYYYYYYYYYY bake it.