Boyfriends adult children PLEASE HELP ME!
I need help. Longest story short. I've known my bf 10 years. Great. Super person. Been dating almost a year. I am a single patent of 3 less than 18 years old. His kids are 20s and 30s. They lie. Steal. Manipulate. And are addicts. I have banned then from my home and property. My bf is allowing the 2 30 year old sons to live on his property and is currently buying them each a cheap car to drive. Has paid for them all a cell phone. Buys them groceries. These 2 sons have stolen over 6000 in tools since we've been together. We've broken up several times over this. He keeps asking for more time to get them on their feet. I love him but I can't take any more. Do I let him go or do I give him more time. He's such a good person but these "kids" are awful! I can't turn my head and ignore them. Please help with any advice. He's been dealing with them for 5 years. I can't give them years.
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Your BF is enabling his adult
Your BF is enabling his adult kids. They will never be on their own as long as he puts up with their behavior, buys them cars, gives them a free place to live. Your BF just doesn't KNOW he's an enabler. He is doing what he thinks is best for them by "taking care of them." Deep down I bet he's embarrassed by them and scared for them.
My DH was also an enabler to his son, the addict. My SS was in rehab twice and so far he's sober, something like three years. We're very proud of him. But DH still has to fight the urge to "help" him. I don't mean taking him out to lunch now and then. I mean like buying him a car. Somehow he sees this young man (30) as fragile.
If his kids are addicts, he will benefit by learning about the life of an addict. Al-Anon, a therapist specializing in addiction, a friend active in the addict community. Addicts lie, cheat, steal so they can support their habit. Getting to the next high becomes THE singular, most important thing in their lives. And family is usually an easy target.
You might change your approach from arguing about his sons to insisting HE get help in learning how to deal with them. If HE doesn't change his behavior with his kids, all the time in the world won't change the outcome. And I can just about guarantee that your BF has zero idea what to do. If your BF won't get help to make changes that will benefit ALL of you, including his kids, then I think you have your answer about leaving him.
Thank you all so very much!
Thank you all so very much! He says he's giving them another month. I've heard this several times but he says this is it. My heart is breaking. How can I explain to him that it involves me? He says I need to ignore them and let it go. He wants to know why I make a big deal about it? It is my business! We're together. His business is mine right? He says they're clean now and he's the only help they ha's. My heart wants to believe this one last time but my head doesn't agree. He has suggested counseling but hasn't made any effort to get an appointment.
At 30 they are well past
At 30 they are well past launch age. What expert on earth would advise him to purchase vehicles for addicts? Ask him that? What is his evidence that he actually is helping?
There isn't any because he's not helping them. He's enabling them to continue this life.
Go to Narc-anon (don't be fooled by the Scientology one which has a similar spelling) and ask your boyfriend to go with you. If he refuses or if you don't get any improvement from him move on. You will be surprised how fast time flies and before you know it those "kids" are 60 (if they live that long) and you will be 85. Do you want these addicts rifling through your house when you are no longer strong enough to take charge of the situation?
You've only been coupled up a year? You have no idea how many ways skids can cause misery in your life even when they have no substance problems. This will just get worse unless he starts making changes now.
His reasoning for the
His reasoning for the vehicles is so they can get jobs and work to get on their own feet. I completely agree with you but I can't get him to understand why I'm upset and why our relationship is on the line. I've tried everything. He says I'm the one willing to throw everything away because of them. That they don't affect us! I know they do. I just need him to understand my view! Thank you all! I'm so thankful I found this site!
Your BF is caught up in the
Your BF is caught up in the illness with his kids. Enabling is a sickness all it's own, and I watched (from a safe physical and emotional distance) my mother enable both of my middle-aged addict siblings until she died.
You can't compel another adult to do what you want them to do, but you can quit ping ponging and focus on providing a stable, high quality life for your kids. You haven't been dating all that long, so chalk it up to a lesson learned and move on to something healthier.
How do I change my username?
How do I change my username? Lol. Thank you again so much. I'm trying to use this blog to help him and I. He says I'm portraying his kids as horrible people. If you met them on the street you'd never know them to be the people they've been. They're well dressed and mannered. He clarified to me that they are living in a tree house. It's basically a Tony house. They have heat and air, electricity, etc... He just continues to tell me that he'd giving them one more month. He says he'll make them pay him back. All I see are horror stories that they will actually grow up and get on their own feet. I guess this is God's last chance. He just don't get why it bothers me. I can't find an example that he'll understand.
Simply end it and move on
Simply end it and move on with your life, if your BF could not get his children straightened out before age 30, it's never going to happen, if you break up once, there's a 50% change that it might work out if you get back together, if you break up more then once, it's a clear sign things will not change , thus not the relationship for you
We've broken up several times
We've broken up several times over this. He keeps asking for more time to get them on their feet.
The fact that you've broken up several times over this and nothing has changed, tells you what you need to do. He doesn't need more time, it's not going to change. He is not the one who needs to get them on their feet, they are adults. He will never stop enabling them.
If this is not the life you want to share with him, you need to break up... and stay broken up.
I am a mother of an addict -
I am a mother of an addict - in recovery but an addict just the same. Being the parent of an addict is a unique sort of hell. From birth, we take care of our children, we kiss away the cuts and bruises and we do everything we can to give them the best start in life. That is a hard habit to break. Being a parent never ends but when you are dealing with an addict, you have to view things differently. Enabling is doing for someone what they can (and should) be doing for themselves. Your SO needs to stop - each and every time - and ask himself is this something my child should be doing for himself. I was amazed how many times the answer was yes. It's very uncomfortable and often it's easier to give in than live with the discomfort. I strongly agree with the suggestion of Al-anon but look for one that is solely for parents of addicts. The dynamic is very different when it comes to your child.
All the points I have raised above are for your SO. You cannot will another person to do anything - I speak from experience. My advice to you is stop trying to change the dynamic already in place. Can you accept things as they are? If not, this is not the place for you. Be honest with yourself. You cannot change anyone only yourself.
Sorry for the preachy tone. It's way too heavy for a Friday!
Elizamen...thank you. I read
Elizamen...thank you. I read that to him. He says he understands your point but he asked what to do when they can't do for themselves? I myself know they put themselves in this position. And I really do thank everyone. I'm still as confused as ever on what to do. I will not wait for another excuse though. This I do know.
When they can't do for
When they can't do for themselves, then you step in as much as you WANT to and are not forced to. But reading your post, a lot of what he is doing for them is enabling. Do they have jobs? If so, why is he paying for groceries. If they don't have jobs, why not? As I said, it is very difficult and uncomfortable to say no. Trust me - I know. The worst part is sitting with the feelings of dread and fear. But when you (or he) says no, this forces them to learn to rely on themselves.
Edited to add - He can't get them on their feet any more than you can change the dynamic that already exists. The only person you can change is you and the only person he can change is himself. If he wants things to be different, HE has to do something different. What's that old saying, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. The dynamic that is currently in effect is working for them. Why would they want it to change?
I'm so preachy again! Sorry....
Don't excuse yourself for
Don't excuse yourself for being preachy. I appreciate everything you said. I'm going to try to find a meeting for parents.