Texting pics of SKID to FH..VENT
Ok..well I have promised FH that I will not start an argument EVERYTIME BM's name comes up..so I'm going to vent here.
FH got the iphone a couple of months ago and anyone that has it knows but you can't just text pics..you have to set up an email account and use that. Well he is not really computer literate so I helped him set up the email..knowing the password. I assumed he knew I had it..but I haven't offered the info. to him either..(yeayaIknow)
Anyways..I asked him if he was going to give BM the email address to send pics of SS2.She used to ALWAYS send him pics of SS to his old phone via text. WEll he said no that she has no need to have it. Fine..I left it that.
Months went by..well yesterday I was bored at work and decided to look at his email..remembering I had password..there was nothing in there that was damaging (thank God considering what transpired two weeks ago)..BUT there was one text from BM's mom's phone yesterday with a picture of SS. It was just a picture of SS, no words..and FH just wrote back "wow,cute"..
I am NOT good at holding my tongue..so I sent FH a text later that day just asking if he ever gave BM his email or if she asked for it. At first he said "why are you asking this..than he said no". Ok I was MAD he just lied..than I sat back and thought "ok..karma, maybe he is afraid to tell you cuz' you'll freak out.." so I told him that I don't mind if he gave it out..but that I should have a right to know since he said he'll never give it to her. I told him now that we are starting new and I won't argue about every mention of her name (which I've held up to) but he has to be honest and open with me..so he said "yes..her mom has my email"..typical guy..SAME DIFFERENCE buddy...
anyways, I'm upset that he gave it to her..but I guess I can't say much if he wants pics of his kids..I did tell him"you can take your OWN pics of your kids"..
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Kaffonseca stop it! This is really no big deal..
And be careful when you start "looking" or "searching" you might just find something you might not want to see!
And I can see if you found a naked picture of BM or something but it was of his son.
He probably lied because he knew you would start an arguement, but this is really no big deal! So don'tgo home and argue about this one!
"And this too shall pass..."
exactly!
stuknaz..it's not a big deal in the larger aspect of things..but it STILL irks me..because I don't put ANYTHING past BM..to send some sort of provacative pic to FH..that is the reason he didn't want her to have email in first place..because she would always include herself in the pics before..
And your 100% right - I put that in my original post that FH probably didn't tell me to begin with because he knew I'd start a huge argument about it (but that was how I'd react before - I'm not letting shytt like that get to me anymore - picking my battles)
I'm not going to say anything at home about it all..that is why I'm just venting a little HERE.
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
GOOD GIRL!!!
hmm
I suppose its good that he didn't try to keep lying and just told you the truth. However it sucks that he didn't just tell you when he gave it to BM's mom...
OK so not to make fun of her or anything (oh hell, who am I kidding. of course I'm asking to be condecending) but why does she need her mom to do everything for her? I get the impression that her mom takes her everywhere and her mom takes care of the kids for her. Now maybe I'm wrong; if so correct me. But I would think that as a grown woman she wouldn't want her mom hanging on her every move...
FiguringItOut the BM
is not grown she just turned 21 years old!!
"And this too shall pass..."
BM is only 21
She lives with her mom..she doesn't have her lic. or a car. FH tried getting her to get a licensce when he was with her, she wouldn't. She even works at the same job with her mom now - the salvation army.
This will sound racist but it's not - she is hispanic..and Gia can probably even confirm that in alot of hispanis families...this happens...children stay at home their whole life and this is the norm.
But yes..FH was a complete friggen' idiot - everyone asks him WHAT the HELL were you thinking..dating someone so young.
I can't say much though..my first boyfriend was 29 when I was 17.
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
I can confirm that
As a hispanic twenty one year old woman, I see alot of people who stay at home with their parents. I chose to leave my parents home and start my own life (this was long before BF and the skids). I wanted to have my own life separate form my parents and pay my own bills and go to college. I like to think that I've done a good job with it since I know a ton of people who aren't even close to being ready to move out.
Now that said, WOW...FH picked out a real winner, huh??
Oh well, at least you get to rejoice in the fact that you're older then her yet way hotter
haha..thanks!
I didn't want to sound racist..but it's a fact of the culture (my xhusband is puerto rican so I've seen it firsthand).
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
I really
take offense to that Kaff. It does sound racist and ignorant. While you may know some people who "stay" with their parents this is not the norm.
I hope you reconsider posting stereotypes like this because they only aid in division and not union.
One can only hope!
october
I did not mean for it to sound racist at all..it was just an observation about the culture as figuringitout confirmed. My daughter is half puerto rican and I'm proud of that fact...and my FH is Jamaican..and my own culture is mixed nationalities..it was not meant to be a racist statement, and I did not know how to word it appropriately without someone becoming offended, which is why I apologized beforehand if it did sound that way..it was an observation of cultures.
I apologize if it came out sounding that way..in fact it was more of a defense of BM and why she continues to live with her mother.
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
I think that
to claim expertise on a "culture" because of limited contact and someone else agreeing with you is, at best, ridiculous.
In a lot of your threads you refer to BM being Hispanic , so what if she is. What does her ethnicity have to do with YOUR problems? If nothing, then why keep referring to that? What you say is a defense of her, actually came accross as you being condescending of her, in an effort to make yourself appear better.
I have no doubt that you have real insecurities about this BM and more than likely based on events from your own life.
That said, it doesn't give you the right to dismiss or belittle a culture or ethnicity.
One can only hope!
culture, october
I do not claim to be an expert on ANY culture..not even my own mixed culture..I wrote that from what I had "observed" in my own personal experiences not that I was an expert. As for what I have referred to her as being in the past in previous posts I do not recall that..perhaps in answering someone's questions? but to just throw out there what culture she is out of the blue has NOTHING to do with how she acts..you are correct in that..that would be definitely racist..THANK YOU for pointing that out to me as I don't want anyone to judge me on my culture..
As for your post though I do understand your point of view and again I apologize if it offended you or anyone else for that matter, it was definitely not my intent to offend anyone.
If it makes it better I will take back my statement as to why I THINK she continues to live and depend on her mom and just say that she lives with her mom because she is lazy and dependant on her mother...no other reason than that.
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
I think this is the first
I think this is the first time I've seen you reference the BM as being Hispanic. Also, I really see nothing wrong with what you wrote. In my personal experience, all but ONE of my Hispanic friends lived with their parents either until after they graduated college, or got married. Some got married and moved their spouse in to their rooms so it was one big happy family. Hell, when I turned 17, I moved in with my Hispanic friend and her parents, and stayed there for a year until I could afford a place of my own. She's 26 now, and STILL living with her Mom. In MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, it really is the norm and nothing of what you said seems offensive. My other friend is lived with her mom until she got married at 24. Her sister was still living there at 28 with her child and her husband, and finally got her own place when she got pregnant with baby #2. Another friend got married last September at 25, and moved in to a home with HIS parents. Huh....never noticed how many Hispanic friends I have.
people need to relax...
you didnt say anything wrong and you have nothing to apologize for. i personally know MANY Hispanics, Mexicans to be specific, that are back and forth to their parents house, and many who lived there untill at least their mid twenties. I myself (Caucasian) lived at home until i was 24 because i went to college, and wanted to make sure once i moved out i would never be back. So, yes there are always exceptions, and always situations contrary to the norm.
BUT
my big thing is, stereotypes exist for a reason! People didnt all of a sudden one day start making crap up, its because there was a pattern that a majority of people recognized, and any person with half a brain knows that they do not apply to everyone from that said group. I an 5'9" with a DD chest i paid for, long blonde hair, and i drive a mercedes. There are 500 million things that people stereotype me as, yet i actually am extremely intelligent, work very hard, am not an easy lay..etc...
if i reacted every time some one tried to place me in the stereotypical group that my exterior might suggest i would be a basket case, kaff you are extremly considerate of people when you post...i wouldnt censor your self because some people are too sensitive.
just to clarify..
i am not referring to any st members when i say "person with half a brain", im speaking of the general public
and im not saying that i think its right that people deal with stereotypes, just simply that they do exist weather we like it or not...and imho, there are a lot of them fit the majority of the group which they describe...
Well...
DH is 30 and I'm 20... Yes, I'm hispanic... I do think that in Hispanic countries children DO stay at their parents' homes for a longer time for several reasons, and this will only include my country.
In my country, it is more common for people to go to college after high school, than here in United States. Jobs without a college education pay very bad over there. Here, children are raised more independent (day care, after school, babysitters), jobs pay better, thus an 18 year old has a better chance of making money and at least survive off of it. Most of the people I know over there, don't leave their parents' homes until they are 22, 23... or so... And is usually to get married. "Leaving by yourself" when you are that young (18-23) is not as common as here in USA, and not very accepted to an extent.
Now, this is usually because these young adults are going to school, and holding a job at the same time. Most of my cousins, friends and siblings have done this, they finish high school, they go to college, and get a job, and stay at the parents' home (helping with the bills, for the most part) until they get married...
This BM you are talking about is Downright lazy!, GEEZ, she doesn't even know how to drive... I think that learning to drive (unless you live in N.Y city) is essential in trying to succeed in life, especially when you are a parent. I would not blame her laziness on her race, though because I think that white people and black people do this as well. If I had to save a race it would be Asian; Most asians seem to have totally different values.
~You can see clearly only with your heart. What is truly important is invisible to the eyes~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's
Stuknaz is 100% right. Stop
Stuknaz is 100% right. Stop looking for things! This will only make you upset, not only that, but will make DH not trust you. AND if you start an argument with him over everything, of course he is not going to be willing to tell you anything.
Now dont' get me wrong, I HATE when DH has to talk to beast bitch, but I also know it is necessary sometimes. I'm lucky their communication is few and far between, but there are many times DH doesn't tell me little things because he tries to not involve me with BM if he doesn't have to, for MY sake.
Just take a deep breath. He is with YOU for a reason. Don't give him a reason to NOT want to be with YOU.
~ Formerly ToTheEdge. I have stepped down from the ledge.
Hey Life you stole my name for BM! LOL
Kaff, I would look to. I mean, you should be snooping after everything you just found out. And why didn't he tell you....because it would start a fight? Well I wonder what he thought lying to you about it would accomplish?
It's like I always tell my son. If you did something I wouldn't like fine, tell me. You may get in trouble but if I find out you've lied to me then not only will you be in worse trouble you'll lose my respect and trust.
Your DH has lost your respect a long time ago and this is why you can't let go of all the feelings. That is why every time BM's name is brought up you cringe and start a fight, because he was caught lying to you about her a few months ago!!
Now wonder you are at your whits end with stress.
But, now that I've said that I have to agree with other members........Stop it. Get over it all right now or get out. You are only torturing yourself.
~All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust~
jen
Thank you for understanding..that is EXACTLY how I feel..but I'm trying to move on..if FH and I are truly going to start new I also have to let it go..if not on the inside at least on the outside..fake it til you make it..
I'm forcing myself not to snoop though because I HAVE to build the trust back.
But yes..I do want to look also because of what he did..and he should understand that..I told him - you did the crime..now you have to do the time.
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
Yes Kaff,
You do have to build it back. And I'm gald that you are working on that. But the occasional "check up" is probably going to ease you mind also. So I don't blame you for looking, I would have also.
Fake it till you make it was my motto with dealing with SD for about a year! Now we have a great relationship, don't really know when that happened but glad that it did.
I think you are truley a understanding, loving, wonderful woman and I hope that your DH knows what a great woman he has in you. Most of us would have hung him from the higest tree! LOL
~All you need is Faith, Trust, and a little bit of Pixie Dust~
JEN
I told him that the other night too! I told him that any other female would've have been throwing plates..calling him every name in the book..I've been there and done that with my X. I'm very insecure in alot of ways but very confident too..I'm not insecure to leave if I'm not getting what I deserve!..I've been on my own and I can be on my own. I'm a beautiful woman inside and out..and honestly don't know WHY I even gave FH the time of day..he is not the best looking or at this point the greatest catch in the sea..but he won me over in the beginning, and I look past physical appearances..so I hope to hell he realizes what he has before he loses it..cuz' I also told him I don't go backwards ..only forwards.
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
I'm going through a similar thing right now
I haven't sat down and told him we should try to make things work, because we're not that bad off right now, but he has made NUMEROUS mistakes through text. He hasn't tried to set up a booty call, but either he is ignorant, or we just have extremely different ideas of what is appropriate and what is not. I think it's the latter because every time i say something about what he did he says I don't see anything wrong, or "well i'm not a cheater". And every time he says that i say "I'm not a cheater either but if i said those things to someone you would flip and it doesn't take having sex with someone to betray someone you love. I have thought about trying to stop checking his texts but i think i have some sick masochistic tendency that drives me to check his phone every chance i get. I make myself sick and maybe at some point i may have been waiting for him to do something wrong, but at this point after so long of doing it and coming across everything i have come across, i think i truly don't trust him to a certain extent. I don't know what to do about it because i feel like if i don't check i'll always be wondering now that i know where his lines are drawn, and at the same time i don't want to live the rest of my life making myself sick from reading inappropriate text messages.
"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege"
honey
there is no doubt in my mind that both my FH and your DH know that what they did was innappropriate..and you are correct if either of us were caught doing it..we'd prob. be kicked to the curb..I'll be honest I have felt the want to do it just to get even with FH and let him know how I feel..but I wouldn't stoop that low.
In my case, FH's intentions were to meet with this girl, there is no doubt in my mind..would he have continued and become physical ? I don't know..and will never know..perhaps it was the Lord's intervention, I'm not sure.
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"
I stopped all the photo nonsense
When we first got together EVERY weekend she would send him pics of the kids. It was ALWAYS during our date time, (which I'm sure he was dumb enough to tell her, or maybe she just figured it out -- but she's not the brightest bulb in the pack!)
Anyway, I tried to ignore it b/c I liked seeing the pictures too. But then she started calling him all the time telling him how she screwed up by divorcing him. Then she started sending actual photos of their times together when they were a whole family. This culminated with a photo album being handed to him as she plopped her fat butt down on MY couch in MY house -- we weren't married yet.
So I didn't say anything snotty -- instead I sent a thank you note back with the skids crap and added, "I'm so glad that you are into pictures too, thought you might enjoy seeing what they do when they spend family time with us! Take Care..." Then I added photos of all of us together, pictures of them having fun with my parents, pictures of them with just me.
At that point she started emailing them to my husband. He of course showed me, I wrote down her email address and sent her some more pictures, "...showed me the photos you sent, they were great, thanks, thought you might like these!"
She continued to be a pill about calling and trying to get him back and after that, on the night he proposed he took a picture of me with the ring. What I didn't realize is that he sent it to her telling her I accepted. At first I was pretty honked off that he shared such an intimate moment with her, but it turned out to be a classic move...
She has NEVER sent another picture!
At one point after we got married she flipped out AGAIN, I did have to lay down the law to her and let her know that she was no longer the wife and that she had ZERO say in my family and that she would talk to me with respect or I would hang up on her or leave -- with or without the skids. She was an idiot and didn't believe me, and tested me several times -- I followed through.
One time I TOTALLY lost my temper with her. The psycho freak accused me of hitting the kids -- a total lie! I've never touched a child other than to give one a hug! Anyway, I was not prepared for her psycho attack and threats to hit me. I ended up verbally laying her out. She tried for 2 hours to win and she never got the best of me. I've never done anything illegal in my life and her record is just out of control from the last few years.
Other than that, I've killed her with kindness -- she HATES it b/c while I know my tactics are completely passive aggressive, it gets my point across and b/c I do it with such friendliness, she can't say anything and it stops the arguments b/c what can she say, she's sending me photos, just like I'm sending you, tell her to stop?!?!
The BMs we deal with are NUTS they need serious psychological help! I've had to learn how to beat her at her own psycho games!
The best is that she gets mad if I'm not there when she USED to drop them off LOL. It made her mad that I could care less if I saw her or not. What a freak!
newstepmom
I LOVE that idea! I might have to incorporate it..!
sending pics back..haha.
"He grew up in my heart, not my belly"