Talking with DH
My heart just hurts for him. Sometimes I think we are at a place where he has let go and then I realize he isn't there at all.
We are going to KS for a few days, leaving later today to see DH's family and be there for the birth of my newest neice. I find out that DH has tried reaching out to SS18 multiple times to see if they can catch up. He wanted to make sure it was ok if he said that it could just be the 2 of them. Ummm... OF COURSE! I don't want to see that little shit. (Didn't add that last part when talking to DH)
Then we were talking later and he told me about a guy who used to be active duty with him that got out to chase after his son and DH was pondering if he did the right thing staying in. I told him that we have a beautiful life and if he went to chase after them, we wouldn't be together. The outcome would have 99.99999% been the same even if he was local to SS. SS18 was never going to be allowed to be a part of DH's life. That isn't what BM wanted. If anything it would have destroyed DH because it would have been a battle every other weekend vs. 3 times a year.
DH finally agreed that even though he could have been there for SS, it probably would have been the same reaction when we came to town. We went to go watch him play various sports and he wouldn't make eye contact or speak to us. Once he literally ran from us when he saw us walk in. THAT event had DD crying- she was like 8 at the time and couldn't figure out why her new brother hated her. It was awful.
DH said that once SS started driving, even if DH made him come over he would probably wake up to find SS had left in the middle of the night- anything to stay away from him and make BM happy. I agreed that it is probably how things would have shaken out.
As of this morning there hasn't been a response from SS, which isn't surprising. He hasn't spoken to DH since summer of 2021. I just wish that I could fix this for the man that I love so very much.
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I'm sorry he's struggling
I'm sorry he's struggling this season. It's never easy to watch them go through this or play the "what if..." game. Is he sure the number for SS18 is still a good one? Over all I hope you guys have a good trip and don't let the stain of SS18 taint it.
My husband is active duty too
My husband is active duty too, and plans to stay in until SD is 18.
At times he's wondered what it would have been like if he had gotten out. One of the reasons BM and he split was because he refused to get out. She spent all his money and he used to get huge bonuses for his specialty so she liked the money but didn't like that he wasn't home all the time. She cheated on him. A lot.
He has wondered out loud how his life would have been if he had gotten out and stayed with BM. She cheated before they even got married so he couldn't have even prevented that, the always has to have her way and he doesn't think she would have been content unless he did everything she said like a slave.
As for seeing SD more, I know a guy who lives in the same town as his daughter and the BM still did the same stuff as my DHs ex did. He's local and never got a Christmas with his kid after the split.
Over time I think he's accepted the loss, same for the other guy. What's just as bad as thinking of what could have been is them hoping what will be when the kid is older. My DH hopes SD will come around after 18. I know she won't unless she is using him for money. That all BM has taught SD that her dad is good for. That's how she treated him when they were together, he shouldn't expect different now.
I am so sorry you and DH are
I am so sorry you and DH are going through this. Honestly, you both had some of the worst PAS I have seen on this site. The lengths your BM went to to keep SS away from you is appalling.
I agree that the situation would have likely been the same even if DH had been local to SS. When my DH lived locally to BM, he didn't even have overnights; BM and the CO only allowed for a few hours every week. Why? Because BM had a need for control and the courts allowed that behavior and abuse to happen. When BM moved away, we thought we were screwed in our relationship with SS and we were devastated, but honestly, it was a blessing. Now we rarely have to deal with BM and we see SS more per year than we would have sticking to the few hours a week schedule, which BM would have fought to the death to never give up, had she stayed local.
Making peace with all of it is the hardest part. My DH often "what ifs," wondering if things would have been different if he fought harder from the start or if BM didn't move away. Ultimately, I don't think it would have made a difference. Between these crazy HCBMs and the dysfunctional court systems, our fates were sealed far before the story was written, no matter what any of us could have done. We could have fought harder, but these BMs would have just fought even harder or pulled more shenanigans to get their way. There is no winning in these situations. Allow yourselves time to grieve. Seek counseling if you need it. Be patient with yourselves. What you all have gone through is incredibly traumatic. Hugs to you and DH.
My DH is local to OSD and it
My DH is local to OSD and it still happened, very similar to yours OP, as you know. DH remains in counseling, we talk about it sometimes, but not often. This month he "ran away" for a bit to get some alone time - OSDs bday and Xmas are close and he was yet again upset about everything (it's been now 5 years almost since their last time together other than OSD screaming at him and demanding $$ for college).
I wish I could tell you it gets resolved, but I don't see it in my DH's case from what I know about OSD and what she's becoming as a young adult. I don't have much hope for her. I think YSD will maintain contact and become better (we hope!) once she gets to college. BM here did a great PAS job. Just about perfect. Yes, DH had some role in it taking hold too, but I think inevitably BM would have succeeded anyway.
Oh man, I hate this for your
Oh man, I hate this for your husband, I really do. It is so hard to watch them suffer, even when we know the probably outcome. He is lucky to have you.
I'm sorry, JMB. Sorry your DH
I'm sorry, JMB. Sorry your DH bred with crazy and has suffered so much for it. But I'm glad he has you to comfort and support him.
Dont feel bad. If he was in
Dont feel bad. If he was in good terms with his son or other kids, they would bully you and use you as a crutch for any problems they may have.
Enjoy your peace and ignore his feelings. He probably deserves it anyway. Ppl who create broken homes are far from perfect in general. I say that for both parents, not just fathers.
Trust me these ppl are divorced with crazy children for a reason. It doesnt happen by coincidence
Apple doesnt fall far from the tree
Looking backwards and second guessing is a waste of time
and a waste of life.
My bride does it upon occasion as well. 'If only.......'.
My DW does this periodically but fortunately not often. 'If I had a different job I could have gone to help him set up his apartment when he PCS'd back to the states from Germany......' 'We should have gone overseas earlier so he could have experienced growing up internationally......', etc....
Not how my brain works. I do not lament, I do not 'what if', I recognize that we are where we are at any given time based on our experiences and I rarely have unpleasant memories that distract from the present and future.
Sure, I do have occassional regrets but... I do not dwell on those events, I quickly progress forward from those experiences through what has unfolded since with an eye on what is, and what is next.
Just how it works for me.
We dropped SS-30 at the airport this AM at 05:00. He joined us for Christmas for 3.5 days. This is our first Christmas together since 2018. With Covid, moves, his 5yr Europe assignment, and life... it has been too long.
We had a great time, just the three of us. After we left the airport it was a bit of a sad day. But, we drove to the mountains so my bride could see snow, smell the pines, and decompres a bit from the sadness of the kid (the 30yo kid) heading back to the other coast.
I will make a concerted effort to makse sure that it is not 4 years before we have Chistmas together again. It has been 20mos since we saw him. Also far too long.
I am excited about the next time.... my retrospective and sadness tends to be very short live. My DW will take a few days to work through hers. He will be back in May for a long weekend then we will got to Kauai for a week with friends. He has his own condo reserved. That was for he and his partner to have some privacy. But... that relationship is no longer. So, he may bunk with his mom and I instead.
Your DH needs to not waste his time on trhe what if of the past and focus on what is next. Even with a toxic Skid, the past is not fixable.
IMHO of course.
Agree with others
It doesn't matter whether you're local or long distance. We live 7 min away from the Animal Torturer (SD 24), 25 min or less away from the Houseshitter (YSD stb 20) and Pumpkinhead (OSS 26) with new bride.
Not a peep from any of them (thank goodness for me). They know where we live (haven't moved three times like the Girhippo) and they are in contact with those who have Chef's phone number but nope.
Its natural to 2nd guess but it will take quite some time for your DH to go through the mourning process. In some aspects worse than an actual death.
Quietly revel in the lack of drama yet continue to emotionally support your DH.