I realize that I can't control anything that is spinning me into a spiral of crazy but I can't help but have this overwhelming anxiety!

1) We are trying to plan our wedding for June 9. I am so happy, and so excited but of course everything hinges on BM and this freaking court case! So while we are making tentitive plans, nothing is concrete. Thank goodness we are doing things at my god-parents beach house so we can be flexible if we need to be. We want all of our kids to be there, it is really important to us.

2) My kids go to their dad's for 8 weeks out of the summer. With differing summer schedules, if we get what we are asking for in court  with SS we will only have all 4 kids for a total of 3 weeks. The rest of the summer could will range from 1 - 4 kids depending on the week. That's cool and all but not knowing when or if SS is coming makes everything so freaking hard! That means that there are only 3 Saturday's that we can do a ceremony with everyone. I eloped last time, not doing that again. It broke my family's heart. SO's mom and sister are really looking forward to coming to our state for it too. 

3) My kids SM's grandmother passed away last week. Her family is planning on burying her in July up in Maine where they are all from. She isn't sure of the dates yet but that could also cut into what I think is my summer time with my kids. My ex and the SM want to take the kids with them to meet the rest of her family. I am fine with that, as long as it isn't my wedding day back up day that we think SS should be here for in the worst case scenario- but I will feel guilty if it is!

4) SS18 (bi-polar and autistic) will be moving here in 5 weeks. That is only 5 weeks that I will have left of  my sanity. We are jumping into adjusting meds, new psychiatrist, new PCM. Trying to get social security worked out. Trying to get him into some kind of work program. Tyring to figure out his life for him. I know that I need to let SO handle this but the fact is that in less than 2 years he is deploying again and all of this will fall on me anyway so I might as well make it work for me now instead of having to figure it out later.

5) Moving... we are moving next year from east coast to west coast ( and a small chance of Japan). I have a to deal with custody of my kids, getting SS18 set up with dr's out there, new jobs, etc! I was a military wife for 10 years before, but never with an established career. This is a whole new hurdle and I am freaking out inside! I know if we are stationed on the west coast my ex won't fight me, that is where he wants to retire anyway. It will acutally only be about 2 hours away from where he is from and closer to the kids than he is now. IF we get the orders to Japan, that will be a battle and I am terrified I will lose. I have had full custody of my kids for the past 8 years but moving out of country is a whole new ball game. 

*help* *dash1* *sad*