Thanksgiving and years beyond
Sooo thanksgiving was okay with my in laws . I was shocked to hear that BM decided on thanksgiving to drive into town. We met her on the way to MIL house, I asked DH if BM would be getting SD from MIL or if we needed to take her back home ( I knew SD was gonna try to stay the whole weekend since she missed her weekend) . DH didn't know so I dropped it. Over the few years since my family stopped doing holidays together due to conflict scheduling, I had to spend pretty much all the holidays with MIL and SIL which includes being around SIL drunk husband. And I mean he is the sort of guy who starts drinking hard liquor in the morning and continues until he goes to bed. He is always slurring his words and eyes are glossed and I don't think I have ever really seen him sober. SIL and everyone just thinks it's normal and it's just one of those things . He is not rude or anything but for me it's really annoying and triggering because my father was a functioning alcoholic , he was never ever mean or anything to me or my sisters but my step father was abusive to my mother when he was drunk which was all the time. Seeing my SIL husband yesterday and MIL saying he needed to be cut off at 5pm ( in a joking way) just made me realize that I didn't wanna be around that and I don't want my kids around it. My SIL never really drank until she married him, he acts single but he has 3 teenage boys from a previous marriage that he rarely sees . My SIL has a daughter who just turned 21 and they both let her and encourage her to drink with them , it's just weird . So next year my family finally agreed that we will all get together on thanksgiving day and have a family meal so we will NOT be going to MiL house at all . Which I'm sure they won't like and they will make a big deal about SD . But oh well, DH already said he had no issues with it. So anyways back to thanksgiving, we were getting ready to go and of course MIL does her little sneak SD15 away to give only her cash ( yes let's keep rewarding her even tho she never ever wants to see you ) and SIL was asking me if SD was staying the night with us and I said no, that we were dropping her back with BM and SiL made a face and was like " oh really why ?" I acted like I didn't hear her and left . Like it's her business why, she wouldn't get nor care about the concept of a visitation schedule. She. We got to meet BM , Dh was asking SD if she had extra clothes because BM was trying to get her to stay with us. I told DH , nope it's not our weekend to have SD and BS13 will be with his dad this weekend ( it was DH that wanted to keep SD and BS13 on the same schedule) and DH goes oh yea that's right , we will see you next weekend then SD... eye roll for me .. and BM was texting him after saying it works out better for her anyways that SD didn't come with us because blah blah... yea ok whatever BM ... I just have to get through Christmas Eve with the in laws which I am also dreading . Next year tho I will be with my family ...
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I'm glad y'all didn't cave.
I'm glad y'all didn't cave. Adults decide the schedule! I get you on spending holidays with in-laws. Of all the things that were wrong with my marriage to my ex, i have to say the in-laws weren't a problem. They were actually pretty great. It sucks being the second (or third) wife. So much toxicity that precedes you. My SO's family has a lot of members who are either overtly or secretly "team BM." I've started prioritizing my own family, or what's left of it since i lost my mom a few years back. There's some "being a team player" and all, but when it comes to people who are hostile toward you - "fk 'em!"
Yea I have a love hate
Yea I have a love hate relationship with my in laws . As soon as they think I'm " pulling DH away" from them as SIL says, his family. They turn on me and they are team BM. Oh and I'm the evil step mom who hates SD15 and drives DH away from them and any opportunity DH has to spend time with SD it should be taken no matter what! That's how they are . Even tho DH and BM were never married , the conceived SD on accident after only dating one month and only stayed together for maybe a year. It's nuts. More and more I'll be doing things for us which is DHs family. Even tho SIL knew we didn't have SD this weekendshe was still texting DH yesterday that all the sudden she wants family photos and assumed we would get or have SD still ... DH was like ok yea next weekend when I have SD. I see their manipulation. Maybe SIL should have had that energy long ago, of course SD would have to come on her weekends .
You call it a "love/hate"
You call it a "love/hate" relationship but i'm not sensing much love. Maybe they are just a dysfunctional family. But still.
This is true. I remember one
This is true. I remember one time when I was on the outs when my in laws and I told DH I would not be going to one of their functions . DH told SIL he would not be going as well and SIL said that I was " taking hIm from his family" I was like, well I am his family so wtf....that's the way they think . And I was the one that was trying to keep SD from DH when they didn't understand it was BM PASing . They just band together with BM and undermine and manipulate DH into guilt .
Win/Win
Glad to see the original plan worked out. Next T day should be a breeze for you comparatively speaking and I predict SD should be 95% PASed out by then. Which will drastically cut down on the drama.
I can relate on the alchy thing. My mother's dad and her BIL were alcoholics. My 2nd husband and Chef are too. Chef's entire family on his mother's side are boozers and that's all they do for entertainment. Fortunately, I never had to deal with Chef's elderly parents as they were long gone before I even met Chef.
And the rest of Chef's fam went team BM 20 yrs ago which is odd bc the Girhippo and her husband pretend to be devout church people. Chef's brothers and sisters never visit which I am grateful for (Thanksgiving). I'm pretty sure they think I did a "My Fair Lady" on Chef so they don't want to associate with him any more even though Chef could never be mistaken for genteel.
I cannot tell you how excited
I cannot tell you how excited I am looking forward to next holiday season! I'm sure when DH tells MIL and SIL they will ones again say I'm taking DH away from his "family" oh and of course they will bring SD into it. What will happened to SD?!! I can hear them now. SD is always welcome to join us but I'm sure MiL, SIL and BM will band together yet again to single Out SD to still be with them instead of DH next holiday season, I'm calling it now lol. Yea it's never fun dealing with childhood trauma ... but at some point a point must Be taken
Some times. …. Something’s
We just have to do. When it's over and we still are alive. It makes this time of the year difficult. One holiday down. One to go
I tolerate no bullshit from my ILs.
Interestingly, we all generally get along pretty well even though I have zero tolerance for the backstabbing, manipulative crap that tends to cycle through the IL clan. Mainly it is due to BIL1's Bovine Bride who is the secret squirrel behind everyone's backs bullshit artist. And... SIL who is out to get whatever she can out of anyone and everyone all of the time.
The whole clan just plays the head in the sand, The Emperor's New Clothes, pretend it isn't happening crap.
Not me.
It is game on when that crap happens with me around. Over time my DW has adopted the zero tolerance for any of it model as well. For years I would hold her as she wept about it, listened to her vent about it, etc..
Finally I just told her that if she wasn't going to do anything about it that I didn't want to hear it any more.
She immediately picked up her phone and called BIL1 and the Bovine Bride and asked them what their problem was. That started WW3. Interestinly, they crawled under their rock and stayed there for a couple of years. Then they started engaging with the rest of the family and eventually mostly stopped their never ending crap. They do occassionally play their usual games but they do it while being very wary of getting smacked immediatley and publically for it by me or DW. We did TG there in 2023 and it was a repeat of many past gatherings where the Bovine Bride wanted to dramatize the entire event for everyone and I started putting her in her place. That made her start the pout fest and eventually she made the mistake of pissing my DW off and DW told her in front of eveyone to grow up and knock off the pouting.
SIL did her usual sneek around MIL's house looking for coats and purses to rifle through. DW had put them all in a closet instead of leaving them on a bed. SIL was all pouty about that but never said a word.
People like so many of us struggle with in the IL clans or even in our own families should never be tolerated and the spotlight should be on them instantly and in front of everyone when they pull their crap.
No need to be nasty about it. Just be direct, clear, and immediate so their shit does not fester and pollute everyone's experience during the gathering. Sure, everyone will get quiet, start carpet scoping and avoiding eye contact for a few minutes, then... coversation will pick back up and every, except for the one who earned the smack down, gets on with enjoying time together.