She will a bad effect on your family and kids.  You can’t have a 12 year old that nobody knows go into your home. Your kids will look up to there older cooler sister. And become as crazy as SD. BM and GM did this to SD and they should try to fix it.  Or live with it. 

My stepdaughter was 13 when she started cutting. My bios were 7 and 4. They were told that she is sick on the inside and that it was not something they could catch.

They saw way too much for kids their age. As much as I hate to say it, she can be a danger to them as well as herself.

My SD went from cutting to burning herself. Then it progressed to suicidal ideation with half-ass plans to kill herself. At 18 she was definitively diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

Some do this to fit in; others do it for attention; still others do it as a release for internalized pain. We think my SD was trying to get her mother's attention as BM abandoned her. Didn't work.

I agree that your kids should be left out of it. Your husband should get involved fast. He should be talking to her counselors. He should visit her. He should act like her father. 

Sheltering your kids and pretending this isn't happening will only set them up for destructive behavior in the future. They should know and be educated about what their (half/step?) sibling is doing.  It's very likely that they'll see friends doing this in the future or may do it themselves.unfortunately cutting is common among teens, boys and girls.  It's better to be educated than freaked out and isolated.  This also helps your children know they can come and talk to you rather than being secretive about behaviors.  

I sympathize with your situation, I really do.  You got together with your DH when you were also very young and couldn't have possibly understood the full ramifications of the fact that he had a child already.  I know.. Grandma was supposed to have that problem "taken care of".. he would basically not have any responsibility for the girl until he was 18... so.. he would just basically get to say.. Hi I was your sperm donor.. idiot kid.. hope you had a nice child hood.. nice to meet you bye.  No muss, no fuss, no messy involvement, no responsibilities.  So you and he move forward.. have your own family... just ignoring the fact that he had another child.. who he had no responsibility for anyway.  But, I guess parental rights were not terminated and in fact it was just "grandma had custody".

So, grandma naturally allowed her daughter to be in the girl's life.  Now, sounds like mom is not that great of a person... and when BM looked over and saw that your DH actually had made a little something of himself, she saw an opportunity.  She figured that she could get the girl to hit your DH up for things.  I'm quite sure that's where the whole Iphone issue came about.  BM put it all in her head that her dad could provide her things that she wanted.  And.. let's face it 99% of teens are looking to their parents to provide them with stuff they want.. and aren't even particuclarly cognizant of the cost of things.  They feel they are entitled to be taken care of.. for what it's worth.

So, why is this teen a mess?  Grandma was likely the stellar parent that raised her first daughter to not be responsible and get pregnant as a teen/preteen.  Both of the girl's parents were pretty absentee during her formative years.. I'm guessing her mother flitted in and out and her father was just relieved to not be saddled with the responsibility.. he had quickly moved on to a new girlfriend and was living his life.. with no responsibility for his first child.  the girl is told she is not wanted.. a mistake.  When she does meet her dad, she finds that he has moved on and created a new family.. and to her knowledge made no attempt to be there for her.  She was abandoned by both her parents... her dad's new wife doesn't want her around.  Grandma doesn't want to deal with the mess she ended up raising.. BM is not a good person. 

gee... no wonder, the girl has so many problems.

So, what you want to happen is to have her dad reject her until she "fixes herself".  HOnestly, that is kind of wrong for him to do this.  He was young, but this is his child... he needs to step up and be there for her.  There are ways he can be her father and still protect your children... even if the girls are "exposed" to their older sister.. it is not necessarily going to be harmful as long as you are supervising everyone properly.  Now, is it the right time for the girl to move in?  Well.. it seems that your DH needs to work with his Exes mother to see whether that living arrangement is workable.. what type of visitation at your home is reasonable.. and you should be supporting him and his daughter to the extent you can.

Yes.. on the face of it... what she is doing is for attention.. but not in the spoiled brat way.. (though that may be the surface of it) but in the truly injured and damaged little girl way... this girl needs all the support and help she can get to overcome her difficult start in life.

Even “cries for attention” need to be taken seriously. I work in mental health and I’ve lost patients because their “cries for attention” went ignored. Consider this, How messed up are things if this is what she feels she has to do to get her needs met?

I do wonder what role her father plays in this. The fact that she pretty much doesn’t exist in your home? That can’t be helping the situation. The fact that she basically grew up without a father? She gets in contact and basically she’s told “You’re too screwed up, I don’t want you.”

“As awful as it sounds” maybe she won’t be his child long. You and you’re happy family can keep pretending she never existed as her father basically did.

This child was dealt a sh*ty hand. She was born to young parents. One completely forgot about her while the one she was in contact with is clearly unstable. Grandma was able to raise her because hey money is more important than knowing her real parents.

She comes around and of course she want’s expensive gifts. I’m sure Grand mommy big bucks bought her everything under the sun to make up for the guilt she felt and the things she couldn’t give her. You know, a real father. Well when she stopped coming that’s fine because hey she wasn’t really his kid after all.

Then she comes back again wanting her dad and like I said is told no.

I’m not saying moving the child in and sing Kumbaya but dad needs to decide if he’s going to step up and be a father or not. You need to decide if you’re going to support him or not. Either cut all contact like it seems you want to or be real family and actually care about her. Your dear hubby is just as much a part of what’s wrong with her as everything else.

Delete this if you don't like it but personally I wouldn't be with a man who didn't care enough to be apart of his childs life.

I have a 2.5 year old and a very troubled SDstb17. If my husband wanted to try, once again, to fix her and their relationship, I would and do encourage that: far, far from our son. You bet I would "shelter" my child from her never ending shitstorm of drama. That's my job as his parent. I also keep him far, far from my mentally ill brother who refuses treatment. It's just safer for my child.

Sorry to read about your husbands daughter. Curious why Grandma has critical involvement here. .  Bio mom and Bio dad should be the ones dealing with this not a Grandparent. The kids need Grannys to visit but other than that....minor kids need their parents.

Your husband should check with his health insurance to see about in treatment therapy on a long term option.

Parents have to learn to accept 'somethings are bigger than they are"....THIS Is huge and the answer isnt bringing her home after her hold... ... of course that is the goal but not until she is treated by professionals 24/7 for at a min 30days. Should be longer since this is not her first 'go around'.

I am soooooooooo sorry about everything. Cant say I dont blame you for not dragging your younger kids into this. After you find out the treatment plan during the next 30days you may decide to move out.

When people come on here to share their painful feelings, it’s very unsupportive to chastise them. If people feel extremely angry about something that others post it’s usually due to them having issues in their own life and instead of working on those, attacking others. It’s uncalled for. 

Just confused, did DH sit down with grandma and discussed what exact mental health help is the best. What doesbSD’s pediatrician say? I’d start talking to her doctor and line up proper help for her. As long as grandma and DH are on the same page hopefully they can help SD to get better