Stepmom to adults
Good day all. I've been a stepmom for over 20 years and I'm so glad to have found this site. Sorry if this blog is long, but I have so much I need to get of my chest.
I must say that I've never had any real issues with my stepkids, but if I'm 100% honest with myself I have to admit that I do resent them slightly and I'm sure they have picked up on that. It's always been my dream to be a mother but my husband and I haven't been able to have our own kids. I hate the fact that his ex gave him two children and I couldn't. This bitterness has probably contributed the fact that the kids and I don't have a particularly warm relationship, although I do love them in my own way.
My husband has always wanted us to be a family unit of sorts, but I think he has recently realised this will never happen. SS30 recently got married to his long time partner and I think this made all the underlying tension in our family bubble to the surface.
SS30 has been spending more and more time with his wife's family, including all the major holidays, his birthday etc. His in laws also recently hosted his 30th birthday party. DH opted not to go since BM would be there and they can't stand to be in the same room. All of this has made my husband feel neglected and like a second class parent. He is also worried about the role we will play when there are grandchilden.
A few days ago, my husband confronted SS30 about the fact that we hardly see him anymore. To summarise, SS30 basically replied that he enjoys being part of an "in tact" family, and that his father lost certain privileges when he got divorced. On the one hand, I think SS30 is being a selfish little jerk. But DH was never the primary parent, so should he really expect equal treatment all the time?
I also realised that the stepkids probaly feel the same way about me as I do about them. Ultimately, they would be better off if I wasn't in the picture. The comment SS30 made about divorce did hurt my feelings a little bit and it does make me feel like an intruder. Any advice on how to handle all of this will be very much appreciated.
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Will be interesting
if/when SS30's "intact family" falls apart. Especially if he married a GUBM. (Golden Uterus)
Thanks for reading. The wife
Thanks for reading. The wife seems kind of sweet, but I've also wondered if she has been manipulating SS.
I think the only hope
For some of these adults kids who have been PASed out is to get into a committed relationship or marriage and have that fall apart, with their former partner becoming vindictive with the child of their own.
You are NOT an intruder. You
You are NOT an intruder. You had nothing to do with what happened to their marriage (I assume) and your husband chose you to spend the rest of his life with.
What your SS said to his dad, about losing certain privileges because of the divorce, reeks of something BM probably drilled into his head all of these years.
My SD28 has been told basically all of her life that her dad is meaningless in her life, which he was the primary parent when he and BM were married (they split right before SD turned 5). I think she's still mad that he left (he really had no choice). BM has filled her head with many lies over the years, too.
DH and I just go on with our life together. SD has made her choices and I truly disengaged emotionally from her years ago.
If after 20 years, this grown
If after 20 years, this grown man can't get over his parents' divorce, there is not much hope for him.
Your SS is a jerk, but so is
Your SS is a jerk, but so is your husband. It is absolutely ridiculous that he expects his son to look out for you once he dies. You and your husband are the ones that should be taking steps to ensure your are secure upon his death.
My husband just wants the
My husband just wants the same respect and consideration SS is giving his in laws.
He is not owed being
He is not owed being financially taken care of by his son, even if the son does it for his IL's. That is the definition of entitlement.
But that doesn't mean it will
But that doesn't mean it will happen. Expecting SS to take care of you should DH pass, when there isn't much of a relationship there, is just not realistic.
Maybe the first step, instead of having unrealistic expectations of what a family should be and how they should act, is to begin to establish a new, functional, adult relationship. Build the relationship, if all parties want to do that, and see what comes from that.
I would not rely on anybody to take care of me in my old age--that's just disaster and heartache in the making.