Background
My husband obtain custody of his son when he was 12. We were already engaged and we got married about 6 months later. My SS has been living with us for a little over 2 years now as he is 14 - and will be 15 in the winter.
I changed my life so I love my husband and I agreed to raise his son with him because I love my husband. My SS was raised from an infant until 12 by his mother who has VERY different parenting skills than her ex-husband, my husband and I. She is currently on her 3rd husband who is 10 years her junior. She has a 5 year (probably 6 now) child with this man. Due to my SS's ways, and that she wanted to save her 3rd marriage - she agreed to transfer custody.
When I met SS, he was polite and sweet. Now all I see is a selfish, lying, manipulative, self-centered spoiled brat. I do not trust him and I am starting to resent him. He is ungrateful. He doesn't care of anyone but himself. Now mind you, teenagers are not the easiest but seriously! This boy has so much baggage that he can't even think about or touch upon his "normal" teenage issues. He has no social skills because his mother shielded him from everything because she ruled by fear. He thinks he should be center of attention 24/7. He thinks that everything should be given to him and he can charm his way out of anything. He has no personal motivation. When things got too hard, his mother said it was okay to quit. He would say school was too hard -- NO MIND YOU -- this child was labeled GIFTED! so when school was too hard, SHE did the homework for him because she didn't want to hear him cry. Now he is paying for it and is attending Sylvan that is costing us between 300-400 a month!
Now mind you - believe or not, I think deep down he is a good kid. He is smart. Good looking. Out-going when he wants to be. Polite when he wants to be. He can have you fooled in a minute but once he is behind the doors of our home, he is the total opposite.
Again, I changed my life because I love my husband. We moved across the country so we could be near my husband's family - not mind. We decided that this was best becasue it would give my SS a base since he moved everything 3 years due to his mother being in the active military. So we moved. I gave up my life, my friends, my job and now I am living in a beautiful home which I do not regret. I have a great job I love and I will make new friends but I feel like this kid doesn't understand what his father and I did to make his life better.
The reason I'm starting this is because I am so frustrated with my SS that I need an outlet. My in-laws are wonderful but they do not want to hear the rotten stuff about my SS. My husband is torn because he knows I have a lot of struggle with SS but with him being the dad and all - I know it's hard as all heck. So what am I do to? I realize it could be worse but right now, it's pretty bad. I dislike him. I do not want to do anything for him. I feel like I keep trying and trying to do the right thing and I get squat from him. Please note that I do not buy his love. I do not pander to him. I make sure he tows the line. I follow through and I speak my mind when I am upset. I tell him point blank what makes me happy and what I expect which isn't a lot. Yet, it does nothing.
SS talks back to both his father and I.
He shows disrespect.
He lies about everything.
He blames everyone but himself.
He chooses not to do school work unless he's in trouble.
He tries to manipulate the situation.
On a positive,
He is polite to outsiders.
He is intelligent.
We know he can be with others without embarrassing us.
Enough for today. My back aches as I type this and as I am so frustrated.
- Judith L's blog
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Comments
I hear you loud and clear
Many similar issues with my SD. I have two sons and she was an only child (and the glue to a very dysfunctional relationship between H and BM for 8 of the 10 years they were married.) BM has a personality disorder and it is showing up in SD at 12 1/2. SD has the maturity of an 8 year old at best. Her mom is now buying her lingerie, tripple padded push up bras, tight fitted clothes. Whenever we say no SD says "That's ok. Mom will buy it/do it for me." Undermines everything we try to instill. Today SD pushed my 10 year old down the stairs. When I asked her if that's how she wants to be treated she smirks and shrugs at me.
Now...SD does adore me 99% of the time. She has no real mother daughter relationship with her BM, just with me. But I'm tired of hearing what a great mom I am from her one minute, then she totally disrespects me the next. She'll say, "Am I EVER getting a hair cut!?!??" Instead of, "Could I get a haircut soon please?" It sucks. I am taking her away for the weekend for her 13th b-day. Over the past 4 years we've gone on a dozen trips. Her mom has taken 4 or 5 big vacations, the last three to Europe. But she has never taken SD anywhere.
Honestly, I rationally believe we get all the displaced anger that the SK's want to throw their BP's way but can't.
Hang in there. My H and my attitude is we have her for the next 5 1/2 years. We'll do our best. Then she's on her own. And if she chooses to live alone and miserable like her mom, it won't be for our not trying to show her a better way.
Peace, love, and red wine
judith and zenom
A friend of mine recently sat down and talked with me about my situation because I was at the end of my rope. She told me to always remember that DH's son was created by the people around him, not me. I'm never going to be able to undo what has already been done. Furthermore, my DH is never going to do more than he's doing right now to change any of his son's bad habits and negative character flaws, which is virtually nothing. My therapist has told me to indulge myself in time with my daughter, exercise, eat well, find hobbies that I enjoy, and make the most of my time with DH while his son isn't here. Yes, I do those things but it still doesn't alleviate the stress he causes during the week while he is here. I've tried disengaging but even that is only a temporary fix.
In addition to the boy's mother and grandparents, DH is just as much part of the problem. For example, DH went to school last week to speak to his son's English teacher because she had called him two weeks ago. Teacher told DH that his son is not turning anything in so you think DH would yank his son's TV, Xbox, game player, cell, etc. but he didn't. There are no consequences for not doing schoolwork. I'm irate because the kid goes to the school free because I teach there. It's a high quality private school and if it were up to me, I'd send him to our public school to waste space since that's all he's doing in ours now. Plus I find it embarrassing. Last week, DH received a call from one of his son's friend's mothers and told him that son is to never call her son again because he was leaving threatening messages on his voice mail. You think DH would take the kid's cell but nope, he didn't.
I always tell myself that I only have to put up with him for the next five and a half years, but at times, I don't know if I'll be able to. Like my DH, I've tried to stick my head up my butt but I can't ignore the lying, manipulating, self consumption, etc. either.
I've got one better
First some history-BM pulled a knife on herself when still married to my DH in front of SD when she was only 8.
During the beginning of our custody case two summers ago, BM called psychologist to get SD in as an emergency. BM was irate at Psychologist's wonderful receptionist b/c they wouldn't work SD in at once...because...it just so happened we had an appointment to see Psychologist that very day as well. BM refused to attend visits, and also would try to undermine SD's therapy, so we had not told her about this appointment. When they wouldn't see BM and SD, they left then met up with DH to pick SD up. BM said SD was home sick from daycare that day.
DH and I show up at the psychologist's office a few hours later totally unaware BM had already been there, and psychologist takes SD back alone first to ask her what was up with her mom. Then we go back and find out about BM trying to get her in emergency visit for being depressed. We assumed it was b/c we were due in court the next week, and BM had never been into see psychologist therefore was afraid to look bad at court.
Next week DH gets a call from BM that he can pick SD up from a new daycare, BM saying, "This one has better field trips." Well...SD LOVED the old daycare so DH decided that didn't sound right. Called old daycare and they said, "Didn't you hear? (SD) brought a knife in last week and threatened herself b/c she didn't want to go back to your house. She continues to do things like this so we had no choice but to dismiss her from the daycare."
So...SD comes back from BM's house and we confront her about why she switched daycare. "B/c they have better field trips at this one," just like BM had said. Well rehearsed
Then we proceed to let her know we know the whole truth. She is mad. We ask what her punishment was at BM's for getting kicked out of daycare for bringing a knife and she says, "Nothing. She's just worried about me." I answered, "Well...we are too. That's why there will be consequences for your behavior at this house."
Your kids takes a knife to daycare and there are no consequences????
Oy Vey!
Peace, love, and red wine