my problem is not bm it is SO!
So my SD14 is now living in Tenessee with my SO aunt. He says I'll never be happy. When shes here and we are fighting im not happy and now that she is away i'm not happy either. I do miss her. Yes, she has lied on me, stolen from me and made nearly everyday intolerable from me...i still miss her. I am angry that she can't do a single thing here but anywhere else shes great. I do know her "honey moon faze" isn't over. So SO says i need counsling so when she comes home in july for a few days im not a bitch to her... i replied not so well but after a week or so of thinking i said Fine ill go but only if she goes with me. my issues are with her and not caring about the way she has treated me and i have tried for 6 years....but he said no. AS for disengageing i have not been successful. is this wrong of me to want her in there with me? if my problem is a person wouldn't it be BEST to just get ot over with!
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With that being said i just
With that being said i just wanted closer thinking if she knew how i felt it would ease things. Is there ever closer?
^^Yep. Exactly. Go to
^^Yep. Exactly. Go to counseling by yourself, or with your significant other.
he thinks disengagement is a
he thinks disengagement is a sign of anger towards her, when she called he used to force us to talk to each other i had to put him in place then too. i yelled at him told him what good is it doing? its just torturing me knowing i will never get the relationship i would like.
"torturing me knowing I will
"torturing me knowing I will never get the relationship I would like"
I think you'd be a lot happier lowering your expectations approximately a mile and a half.
SD is a stepkid, and a relationship between a SM and SK sometimes cannot happen even with two individuals with decent intentions. It is an unnatural relationship, with pressures coming in all different directions.
Your expectations that this would be a close relationship, and you DH's expectations that you'd get along with his daughter if only you were "nice to her" are both not based in reality.
Do yourself a favor and pick up the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin to read about all the forces at play and how the key to a peaceful existence lies not with you, but with DH. He's the only one who has sway with SD, and he needs to realize that he has to parent her and insist that she respect you, his chosen life partner. Then, and only then, can you choose to try and treat her with kindness once again. To do otherwise is just plain foolish.
The counseling for yourself
The counseling for yourself must come first. You need to be freely able to discuss whatever (your feelings, your frustrations ect) without a 14yr old listening in. Perhaps within time the teen could be part of some sessions.
From your previous postings this is a very troubled young teen (cutting herself, bio-polar and ADHD on top of it). Not to pick on the age difference (14 to 25), but this girl was an enormous amount to have taken on...and you started five/six years ago. This child would be a challenge for any well seasoned bi-mother, and you took it in as a very young stepmom. You can't blame yourself. This teen would have troubles with or without you in her life. Perhaps besides counseling for everything you've been through and are feeling, you could find a support group for parents with the type of issues the teen has. A group that is dealing with the same kinds of behavior with their children/teens that your family has experienced. Your Dh is not helping with stupid comments like 'go to counseling so you won't be a b*tch'. That man just needs slapped for that kind of ignorance.