She's on disability and Medicaid, right? That's actually good for you. The state assumes responsibility for all of her care. A lot of people around here get family members on the government payroll to be caregivers, but they aren't always the best choice and sometimes just pocket the money doing minimal assisting. If SD gets diagnosed with dementia, look into getting her a personal care aide. If it gets really bad, the state will cover the full cost of a nursing home.

When it comes to mental health problems it only gets worst as they get older.  They may be crazy but they know the system.  Know how to answer all those questions by DR.s   I know it just hurts when someone your are trying to help. Disrespect you, steal from you.  Does thing unkind to you.    But you are the better person, sometime, some where you will be rewarded for your help.

Ive gone through this and this how I feel.  I will be rewarded somehow 

I'd slowly lose my mind if I had to deal with stepkids shenanigans past the expiration date. 
 

That's good you know your limits and refuse to get roped into the chaos she's going to bring. 

The only way they end without death or divorce is no contact.  My husband and I are no contact with my stepson and his wife.  I intend to keep it that way on my end.  My husband, if he chooses to resume contact, will have to visit them away from our home.  I will not be involved at all.  

I do worry about forced contact when MIL passes and when my husband passes, unless I go first.  I have no intention of letting them know when/if dh passes before I do and I will come back and haunt my husband if I pass before he does if he tells them and they show up at my funeral.  My family, including and especially my bios, don't need a couple of backstabbing liars around them pretending they give a rat's behind about me or them.  

Your SD is in for a rude awakening.  Her kids are not going to want to deal with her long term with the way she acts.  It's long past time for her to grow up and stand on her own two feet.  Her dad isn't able to help her.  He needs help himself.  You have your hands full and it's not your responsibility anyway.  It's good that she has Medicaid.  They can pay for the help she'll need.  I feel bad for the help though.  

Good riddance, i hope for you that she loses her marbles and ends up on the street as X lol

OSS21 is completely out of his mind and living in the street. He cut off his dad because dad wouldnt give him a job after he stopped showing up and requested an advance on his pay then went full no contact. My husband was paying for his therapy but he quit going and does week/shrooms instead.

I used to feel bad when I would hear that he sleeps in his car but I stopped after he brought drama to my house a few months back when he moved in as an adult to "try to get back on his feet"....

It never truly stops until the parents die. I am no contact now but if my husband passes away, i will go full scorch earth on the steps (no names/addresses/mutuals would be left for possible contact). My "relationship" with them ends when he passes away

It does not end until the parents are dead and gone. Good luck to you

I am definitely prepared to not be in anyones life after husband passes, if I am still around, with him.

Ive actually put myself through the thoughts of when this might happen, how I will adress things like personal item distributions.

And as to skids stuff, I would pack that chit up myself because I wouldnt want them to step one more foot in my home after the chit they put me through over the years.

I have put you up on the pedastle of what our futures might look like and what you DONT want them to look like.

But thank you for all your kindnesses, and wisdome. Im glad you are here for us.

Too bad your SD60 is so crazy. And enabled. I see SD24 Feral forger as being much like her. Husband always liked to tell me "shes a survivor and no matter what she will do well".

Caution is in order when engaging a family member as a paid care giver.

My family experience with this is one where the engaged family member/care giver took the benefits and did not provide the care.  Though it was not through Gov't benefits.

When my GrandDad passed my GM was not capable of fully caring for herself. She sufferred from multiple infarctic dementia and while she could bathe, dress, engage pleasantly, etc... she had zero drive to eat.   My dad worked out with his cousin that dad would give my GP's home/land to his cousin if the Cousin and his DW would move in and care for GM so she could stay in her home until it was necessary for her to move to assisted living.  Cousin's DW was a certrified elder care provider. She had cared for both of her elderly parents for an extended number of years.

It turned out, there was no care provided.  The extent of care was "you haven't eaten. Go make yourself something."  My GM damned near starved to death.   When my parents or my brother or I would visit occassionally we all witnessed the extent of the care provided. Dad gave his cousin the choice, buy the property or GTF out.  Cousin bought the it.  We moved GM to assisted living near us so we could all visit her regularly.  She thrived the last 5 or six years of her life.  Dancing, friends, laughing, dinners, movies, concerts, a salon in house open one or two days per week, etc....   All in the dementia care residential facility.  It was like a cruise ship in a parking lot.  It was key pad access and exit, set up like a figure 8 so wanderers could wander and not get lost.  One of the most smile inducing things was how a number of the residents would  regularly dress up a bit, and stroll the facility visiting their neighbors. Both the ladies and gentemen.  Each resident had their own "apartment".  They could have meals delivered to their apartment or go to the "restaurant".   A truly wonderful place.

There are similar places that are not geared to memory condition patients.  We almost chose one of those, but their memory wing was not fully access/egress controlled.  We did not want GM getting lost.

It was mostly covered by SSI and Medicare.  We did cover several $hundred/mo out of my GMs resources after the sale of her property and consolidation of my GrandDad's insurances.

There are caveats to many of these types of facilities.  These places do not tolerate difficult residents. They have to be mostly self reliant, self ambulatory, etc...... The one my GM was in was age in place and would provide end of life care, but.... there were very clear behavioral limits to what they would tolerate.  GM passed there a few weeks before her 85th B-day. My dad had visited her a couple of days before she passed. I was on my way from the airport to visit my GM after returning from a few week business trip when I got the call that she had just passed.  She was happy and had a great life. Including a wonderful last several years.

My other GM was one of the difficult residents at her assisted living facility.  A different facility.  She was just done.  She refused to eat, and would fake falling down.  They caught her on camera several times exiting her apartment looking around to make sure no one was within sight and then she would sit down lie in an awkward position and call for help.    That facility did not allow non self ambulatory residents and that GM was snarky and rather manipulative. There was absolutely nothing wrong with her. She passed a month to the day following her 90th B-day.  We had a huge B-Day/anniversary celebration for her at the family church activity bldg.  There was at least 100 people there.  She enjoyed it, hugged everyone, etc...  At the end of the celebration she thanked everyone for coming then closed by telling everyone that she would probably not see most of them ever again.  The next day she had her pace maker replaced.  She stopped eating. Even her doctor told her to knock it off and that there was nothing wrong with her other than she was 90 and if she would start eating she might  just make the 100+ that many of her female family members had accomplished. She was just done.  

She and her second DH married on her 70th B-day. About a year after my GrandDaddy died.  They had been engaged when my GD and GM had met. She had broken that engagement to marry my GD.   Her second DH had been widowed 4years before. He passed, at GM's home about 5mos after GM passed. He was 96yo. 

That GM's facility was nice, she was just difficult. Where as my other GM, was pleasant and engaging.  

Quality of experience in these places is critically dependant on the attitude of the resident.

IMHO, err on the side of actual professional care and not just setting up money for a family member.  It nearly killed my GM.