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HELP WITH DEALING WITH ADULT STEPSON WHO JUST RECENTLY REENTERED OUR LIVES

jennysmith's picture

Submitted by jennysmith on Mon, 09/20/2010 - 12:55pm

I am having trouble dealing with my adult stepson who is 20. Me and my husband have been married for about 14 years. My ex's wife made things so unbearable and difficult to see his son that at the age of 10, my H decided it would be just be better to wait until he was older to try to have a relationship with him. (His ex would twist their son's head, making my stepson hate me and our son we have together. There would be a 3 hour argument between my husband and his ex every time we would see him. Nothing we did was right for him and all the drama was creating a lot of trouble for our marriage.) Fast forward to now, and we have three additonal children. My husband recently started seeing his son, who is now 21. The problem I have is now the other children come second. He will drop everything to do anything for his son. So bad, that he even missed our daughter's bday party to meet his son. He has left work early so that he can get together with his son (who does not work and is available at any time). He told me he needs to do this to create a relationship. He has stated that I am the least of his concerns right now. There is no common courtesy when it comes to his son. If he decides to make plans with him, I don't know about it until after the fact. He keeps there relationship separate from me and the other children. He doesn't consult me about anything regarding his son. His son lies and manipulates the situation constantly and plays my husband for a fool. Anytime that I try to point this out, it turns into a big argument. He treats his son differently than the other children. He parties with his son which I totally disagree with it. His answer is that we can agree to disagree. I know he would never do this with our children. Its like he is trying to be the cool dad. My husband doesn't call his son out on anything and thinks his son does no wrong. Yet hs has no problem calling our children out who seem to do know good in his eyes. I realize that things are different because of the lost time, but I can't stand watching my husband be so fake and be played for such a fool. I truly am beginning to resent my stepson and husband over all of this. My husband says I have animosity, which of course I do because his stepson has created no happiness in my life. Does anyone have words of wisdom for me or been in a similar situation?

Comments

antidrama's picture

Submitted by antidrama on Mon, 09/20/2010 - 2:31pm

Sounds like someone is feeling guilty for abandonning SS when he was 10.

stormabruin's picture

Submitted by stormabruin on Mon, 09/20/2010 - 2:44pm

I agree with antidrama. The guilt associated with walking away has to feel terrible, & it sounds like your husband is trying to now make up for the years he was absent. Unfortunately, no matter how hard he tries or what sacrifices your husband makes now, it's too late to make up not being there when his son needed a father. Not to say it's too late for them to develop a relationship now, but there will have to be A LOT of effort on both parts & a willingness to forgive on his son's part in order for them to work things out. It isn't fair to the children he has with you to push them off, but it wasn't fair for him to push his son off either. Likely, his son will feel entitled to a lot...be it money or time, or both, & he won't hesitate to make it known. And likely, your DH will continue to feel guilty despite the fact that it's the past & he can't change it. This is a perfect example of why it's so important for parents to put forth the effort to parent their children instead of backing away because it's easier. If BM was twisting his son's thoughts then, chances are she took every opportunity to twist them more as your husband backed off. Your husband just made it easier for her to do it. I would suggest counseling for them together. Of course, he can't make his son go, but if he won't, I think your husband should still talk to someone to be sure he doesn't end up losing the family he has with you trying to make up for not being there for his son.

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Mon, 09/20/2010 - 2:56pm

I agree with the others. There must be a sense of balance even though he's trying to rekindle a relationship with his son. His other children will start to resent that son's involvement in Dad's life and it'll be the same story all over again.

I'd say make an attempt to invite him for dinner or family events so that he can spend time with the whole family. Maybe you can compromise with your H that if you can get SS to come to your place/family the two of them can go out and do something together alone, since that appears to be how your H wants to handle this right now. I think it has to be balanced so that no one feels left out, but your SS must also realize that his father has a life and a family that he needs to be incorporated into if he wants to be a part of his father's life now. Make him feel as welcome as possible to try to bridge that distance and the pain...it totally depends on how mature his son is, but at least it will help your H to understand that you want him to have a relationship with his son and you aren't trying to simply interfere with that because you are holding grudges or anything.