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Losing my mind

Jenifer2007's picture

Submitted by Jenifer2007 on Sun, 04/15/2012 - 5:05pm

I am so happy to have found this site. I need so badly to vent and talk to people who are going through the same crap as me. My husband and I are married, second marriage for us both. He has a 16 year old demon he adopted from his ex wife who pampers her and spoils her like the princess she is. They also had a son together who is 13. I have a 9 year old girl and 6 year old boy/ girl twins. We have two girls together who are 14 months and 3. All the kids live with us and the older two visit mommy dearest every Thursday and two wknds a month. The oldest is nothing short of a bitch. I have tried everything to try to have a relationship with her since she was 11. We used to have a relationship but over the past year or so she has become more and more nasty. Being down right cruel to my 9 year old and nasty to her father. She hates us and wants to live with her mother because that is her BFF. We pay for and do everything. I work over time at my job to put her through Catholic School. She just today for the umpteenth time through the clothes I had in the dryer on the floor so she could do HER laundry. My husband does nothing about it but tell and the crap continues. She comes and goes as she pleases and he thinks because she doesn't have a bf it's ok. He is not supporting me at all with the issues and keeps telling me to deal with her. She doesn't listen to anything I say and it's impossible for either of us or anyone for that matter to have a conversation with her. I think she is a lesbian which explains the no bf which is fine but I hate that he uses the "well she isn't out sucking cock so she isn't that bad" excuse. He thinks she is a normal 16 year old. A normal 16 year old has more then one gf! Is interested in boys, couldn't care less about what the younger kids are doing. Doesn't live each day to torture a 9 year old and isn't completely jealous over everything, when she wants for nothing. Her parents have spoiled and continue to spoil her rotten. She is the only one of the 7 kids in this 4 bedroom house that has her own room. At her Mother's apartment she has the master bedroom with walk in closer and bathroom. Her brother has a tiny room and her mother and stepfather sleep in a flipping den!!! What is wrong with this picture?! She also still visits bio dad who spoils her as well.

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Jenifer2007's picture

Submitted by Jenifer2007 on Sun, 04/15/2012 - 8:37pm

Lol! BM is remarried to the man she left my husband for so she started a new life and is expecting a new baby. My husband sees letting her move with BM as a failure and giving up on his part. He knows she has problems but refuses to do anything about it. She takes full advantage of my husband just like her mother does. She shows no consideration respect ot love towards him at all. He is merely a bank when she needs $ and a taxi when she wants a ride even though there is public transportation everywhere here! She and her
Mother fear that if she moves in with BM then he won't pay her $6,000.00 a year tuition bill that BM surely isn't going to pay because she doesn't pay for anything! But she claims her every year on taxes!!!!! I honestly don't know if this marriage can survive these conniving little wenches I really don't. Between her and her mother I can't take it anymore. He is reading his two kids to be disrespectful and dependent. He allows the guilt of the divorce to keep him from making the right decisions and disciplining them. They get away with everything!! The 13 year old just decided his bedtime is no longer 9 it's 10!! He claims my husband ok'd it. My husband doesn't recall the conversation but said ok you are right your bedtime is 10?! Wtf!? Help me please!!!

Bitty Betty's picture

Submitted by Bitty Betty on Sun, 04/15/2012 - 5:38pm

(((HUGS!)))

I'm sorry you're going through this, but to me it sounds like your husband has to step up and tell her she can't act like this at your house, that there are rules she should follow.
Really, I don't think it's not your job to try to educate her. It's your husband's. He's gotta set aside the whole daddy guilt thing and do something. She can't have the power to turn your house into a living hell to everyone else.
Be strong and have a honest conversation with your husband.
Good luck!

Jenifer2007's picture

Submitted by Jenifer2007 on Sun, 04/15/2012 - 8:41pm

Thanks for the advise. I have had the conversation with him and told him she will bring down the entire house if he doesn't put his foot down. He still allows the guilt to take over. I even signed her up for south needed therapy. After a few sessions she cried to daddy and said she didn't want to go anymore and promised to be better and went right back to being herself a day later. He does nothing. We went on a family trip to visit relatives and the 13 yo was complaining about the sleep arrangements. My husband said u r sleepin here an that's it. Well 16 yo nightmare told my husband he isn't the parent and her brother could sleep anywhere he wants to! I think that warranted a slap across the face into reality. Instead he just yelled and nothing has changed. The 13 yo was asked to get his sister before she fell he said why I'm not the parent. And again nothing happens. He is letting them run his life and is too swept up in guilt to realize it! I am lost here and don't know what else to do.

Doubletakex3's picture

Submitted by Doubletakex3 on Mon, 04/16/2012 - 8:10am

I went thru the same issues with my XH. It's pure torture living in a house run by a teenage girl...a true case of the inmates running the asylum. It helped a bit getting my XH to read a book entitled, "Parents Who Love Too Much" and getting him to counseling. The counselor helped him reframe his idea of being a good parent from one who keeps the kid happy to one who prepares the kid to be a responsible and capable adult.

Your husband has to change in order for things to get any better. If he is getting something out of the way he parents (feeling like the good guy, feeling like a success because skid hasn't moved back to mommy, etc.) it will be very difficult for you to convince him to change without serious intervention or motivation. The counselor helped my XH see that his idea of success as a parent was totally off.

I know how overwhelming this feels and I'm sorry you are going through this. (((HUGS)))

Here's a link to the book:
http://www.amazon.com/Parents-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/0761521429/ref=sr_1_1...