Ideas please
Hi all , I have a stepson of 15 yes old but only been with his father for 5 yrs. We each also have older children so I'm use to.patenting and they are no bother the relationships as a blended family is great.
My issue is since being around my step son for this time I've come to notice many behaviours . I have of course spoken to my partner , the elder siblings if his and good friends about this situation .
I am sure he is on the autistic spectrum as are others the problem is his biological mother won't acknowledge much of it , she just says he's quite and as long as it dint upset his school work he's fine .
I am sick and tired of all of it and find I am becoming to dislike him very much . He creeps around the house , never holds a conversation , only replys yes ir no , don't make eye contact , and has Jo sence of humour or comom sence besides much more
I made strides to get him to get diagnosed to which he agreed as did family but on going back to his mother he suddenly changed his mind ( I think it was changed for him )
He has one week with us and one with his mother but I spend all week he's here wishing the week away and the next week getting anxious that he's coming back .
He's super intelligent but doesn't really have friends , he rarely goes out the house and never sits with us as a family .
It's causing problems for me in the relationship and I need help or advise if any kind person can give it .
Thank you and sorry for the essay
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Comments
If you think he's on the
If you think he's on the autism spectrum then I suggest you take the time to better understand it.
I'm the mother of 2 on the spectrum and yes, they can be ODD. However, if you better understood what's going on, I think you'd be less hostile towards your stepson.
I think you might want to
I think you might want to give yourself some space and avoid being around him if these behaviors bother you. Be extra busy the weeks he is at your house.
You might also try working with a therapist to help you work out why he annoys you so much and to help you adapt to living with him.
KISS - Keep it Stupid Simple.
When he is in your home he complies with the standards of behavior and standards of performance that YOU set and enforce in your home.
Daddy WILL get him assess by professionals on daddy's time and BM can F-off.
You have both raised viable adult children. This is no different. KISS, set and enforce the standards, get the kid the support, help, meds, therapy, etc... he needs when he is in your home for the W-on/W-off schedule.
As I said abouve, BM... can F-off. She has zero say about parenting or anything else in your home. She can do as she wishes when SS-15 is in her home.
SS-15 may not be on the spectrum. There is no way to be sure unless he is assessed and then treated accordingly depending on assessment results. Whether he is on the spectrum or not, the standards of behavior and standards of performance have to be set, enforced, and maintained. For hte good of your own quality of life, the health of your relationship with your SO, and in the best interests of SS-15.
Your relationship with his father is not likely to survive if you do not set and enforce the standards and demand that daddy stop sniffing his XW's butt on this. Time for SO to man up.
Take care of you.
I agree. If they are 50/50,
I agree. If they are 50/50, Dad can take him. I seriously doubt the doctor's office will ask questions if a father makes an appt for his kid and takes him. If the kid has autism but has gone undiagnosed this long, he is likely high functioning. He can learn acceptable behaviors. Not getting him help is cruel. If Dad won't do this, and is happy to have a kid whose behavior is repulsive to others (parents accept things from their kids that others won't, so Daddy saying he isn't that bad doesn't count), he is a bad parent and a bad husband.
Parents that get a twinkling
Parents that get a twinkling of brain activity regarding their kid behaviors, getting them assessed, actual help, etc... then retreat for some unknown apparently completely brainless reason make no sense.
Of course they luuuuuv their kids. But, love is action. It is not mindless emotion. Sadly, far too many breeders abandon considered intelligent action and retreat to mindless luuuuuuv and non brain activity emotion. rationalizing that as love. It isn't. Love is a cerebral action based continual activity. IMHO.
Love a kid. Don't luuuuuuv them.
IMHO of course.
If the mother isn’t going
To go along with the program. There's nothing you can do. Except putting time and energy into something that's going to fail.
'you should try to help yourself, Have away time, join clubs. Volunteers someplace on the weeks he with you. Get out of the home. DH wants him 50/50 that's on him
If you think he's autistic,
If you think he's autistic, please try to not give up on him. Autistic people interact different than neurotypical people, and the better we understand that, the better the relationship will be for both of you. I spent a lifetime thinking my father was a mean, stubborn, cold person. He isn't. I figured out that he was autistic when I started working in the field, and I'm so glad I did. It's let me take a step back and understand that he shows his love in different ways, but he absolutely loves me. If your SS wants to have an assessment, he should be able to make that decision for himself. Just try to make sure you find a practitioner who knows what they're doing because people who don't present like rainman, get missed all the time.
He may, or may not be on the
He may, or may not be on the spectrum.. he could just be an introvert. He could be an awkward teen.. he could be the kind of kid that took his parent's split harder.. and has a hard time opening up about it... or anything really. Maybe you are intimidating to him.. or his mom has made him feel he has to be guarded in your home?
If he is doing well in school, has friends.. and his school hasn't suggested that there are any problems (teachers spend hours with your skid).. it may just be teen awkwardness. My OSD was a bit like your SS I think.. she used to get her younger sister to be her mouthpiece.. if she was hungry or wanted something.. the younger girl would do the asking. She reminded me of Wednesday Addams.. the old version.. just an inward kind of person who would just "look" at you.. and also had little common sense.. (to this day..haha).
She was old enough to have understood living with her parents as a family.. I think the split hit her harder.. and it made her more closed off as a person.
Anyway.. just trying to put it out there that a diagnosis is not always the reason for all the behaviors you see.. lots of other factors.
I think you do have to accept that you cannot care about this more than the bio parents do.. if they aren't pushing for diagnosis for something that in reality isn't "fixable".. it just is something that people learn to live with. .then nothing more that you can do.. and to keep harping on it is useless.. and annoying to your SO.. which I'm sure is not your goal.
So.. focus on what you CAN have an impact on.
First.. what does he "do" that bothers you so much.. and what can be done about it.. he hides away? well.. then he isn't in your face.. why not just let him be? If he doesn't want to have high interraction.. then maybe that lets you off the hook and you don't have to deal with him.
Second.. you can change your perception and reaction.. so you assume he has autism.. that should make you more sympathetic to him right? so BE more sympathetic.. see what he does.. not as intentional to bug you.. but things he can't HELP because his brain works differently.. and see them in a less harsh light.. give him some lattitude.
Third.. I would be more focused on the fact that the kid is 15.. and I would want to know what his plans are for after 18... is he going to college? going to the army? What does his dad think willhappen then? maybe this is a short termed issue.. and that in itself can give you some peace.
Thank you
I have tried along with his dad and elder siblings to get him to being assessed and he agrees until he goes back to his mum . We then get a message from her saying he's fine and won't be going anywhere .
Private assessment if far to expensive and even after diagnosis he would have to wait around 2 years , as they then get put on NHS register .
I know this as my neighbour is a child phsycologist wirking in this field and has told me .
We have access to gp but it's under her phone number as the appropriate and if we make an appointment she gets the appointment alert and stops it . No matter how much we raise it she ignores her sons and our request., so please dont think that we haven't tried to get help .
My question was simply how do others cope ? I thank you for your replys including those that say I need a better understanding , but be assured I have read everything and educated myself