venting: I hate myself.
We got my ss5 when he was 2.5 right after we found out we were expecting. We got served to come and do a paternity test the year before and didn't find out the that ss was his till almost a year later when we got papers in the mail for child support. so we went in and talk to the people and see the results. a couple months later while im gone visiting my parents the mother shows up at our door with a crying 2 year old and tells my husband that she cant keep him and she be back to sign custody over to him. bm is a horrible person all around I'm embarrassed my husband was even with her. anyways every time i called to talk to my husband the poor boy is crying in the background. i couldn't imagine what was going through his head he just got dropped off with a complete stranger. i was actually excited to have a child to take care of i went out shopping for him while i was with my parents, his mom left him with a tiny sack of raggy clothes. so when i get home it was a little weird at first then i realized i didn't really have any patience. we treated him as if he was older and should be able to do certain things and catch on easily. we were bad parents and we should have had to take parenting classes. we weren't as bad as his bm but still no excuse after we had our first child together things got much better and we pulled our heads out of ass' and started doing better. we still expected more out of him which got him in trouble. anyways now that my bd is his age when we got him i feel even worse about the way we treated him. it eats me up every day cause i am his mom, he has only seen bm a handful of times since 2007 and the last time we saw her was almost 2 years ago, so he doesn't even know her he chose me as mom we never even encouraged him to call me mom it was his choice. i hate it so much. then to add to that i do not quite feel the same way, as loving, as i do for the other bio children. i do not like it one bit. im afraid that it will affect him when he gets older. at this point i have worked very hard to get up to date on his developmental stages and treat him his age. but still i wish i didn't feel the way i do toward him he is my son and nothing will change that.
sorry for being so long.
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I think every parent only
I think every parent only gets better after raising their first. I know it eats at you, esp considering he isnt your BS, but dont feel like an evil person. You honestly did the best you could at that time. Luckily he was young so he may not remember a lot of what you consider the "bad." It's esp difficult because he was thrust on you too, whereas if you were exposed to him on a regular basis, you wouldve known his limitations, etc.
Focus on what you can do now to make it up to him!
First of all, let go of the
First of all, let go of the guilt. You've admitted your faults and are trying to fix them which is noble of you. Guilt is a killer though and will serve you no good in this. Having a child dumped on you both like that would be difficult for ANYONE and I understand how you must have felt in the beginning because I went through it too. I don't think any step-parent will tell you they just immediately fell in love with their step-child(ren). I've been with my fiance for two years now and I've cared for his daughter like she was my own since she was just over 1. In that time though there were lots of arguments, times when I wanted to give up, and days when I thought I just would never be able to feel the love for her that he does. I still struggle on some days but I try not to feel guilty when I have an off day because I know I can't be perfect. I know that the love one has for their biological child seems stronger because it's your own flesh and blood but that doesn't undermine the love you have for your SS. As long as you're not playing favorites and letting your BD get away with more than your SS, there shoulnd't be a problem. You did the best you could considering the situation and if you feel bad about how you treated him, just remember that he calls YOU mom and that you still have plenty of time to build a great loving relationship together. You can't change the past but you can make sure he has a great future.
thank you guys for your
thank you guys for your comments they definitely made me feel better about this
i'll do my best to look to the future and stop dwelling on the past!
Kids don't come with a
Kids don't come with a manual. We all learn to parent via OJT. Mistakes lead to learning, learning leads to experience, experience leads to success. Don't beat yourself up about the mistakes you and DH made becoming instant no warning parents to a young child.
I made plenty of them when my wife and I married when my SS was 1yo. The key for me was to not make the same mistakes twice. When I screwed up I took a do-over and tried to do better.
All parents, even the ones with the benefit of a 9mos of preparation within a sound marriage make mistakes.
I am 6yrs older than my younger brother and was 8 when my youngest brother was born. It amazed me how different my parents were with my younger brothers than I recall them being with me at that age.
When I was ~16 and my brother was 10 I remember him arguing with mom and dad. I just got a grin on my face knowing that a ton of shit in a 10 LB bag was about to descend upon his head. Imagine my surprise :jawdrop: when mom and dad stayed calm, explained to him how it was going to be with no yelling or discipline for my brother being disrespectful.
I was home from boarding school for the summer when this occurred. When I was 10 and tried to express my opinion I was disciplined for back talking.
After a few minutes I asked my dad why on earth he and mom tolerated the backtalk from my brother when they would have killed me for it.
My dad responded "You taught us how to parent. Your brother owes you a debt of gratitude for making us better parents than we were with you".
I think this applies to all parents. They learn how to parent with the first one and refine and improve their parenting skills with subsequent kids.
The young ones definitely owe the oldest a debt of gratitude.
As for not feeling the same about your SS as you do about your BKs, this is also normal IMHO. Even in intact families with multiple children the parents feel differently about each child even to the point to where they like one more than the others.
The key IMHO is that the actions of love have to be consistent with each child. I know that my parents prefer my younger brother to me. He is a much less demanding personality for them to deal with. I am more difficult. However, I know with out a doubt that I am loved as much as my younger brother is.
Forgive yourself, take a do-over and enjoy your kids. All of them.
IMHO of course.
Good luck and best regards,