I cant stand BM!!!!!!
So yesterday the phone rings around 5:30pm and its BM because i could hear her big squeaky voice. When I hear her voice my stomach hurts. Anyway she says what she needed to say to DH and when DH hangs up the phone he says to himself now why did she have to call me for that when SD just could have told me. So I just sit there and stay quiet waiting for him to say something. So he says That was BM she said.... And I told him I dont even want to hear it because im gonna get pissed off and he says but its about my daughter and I said I dont care what its about you said yourself that it was something that your daughter could have told you herself. So you should have told BM why was she calling you when your daughter could have told you that. But you didnt and that is why BM is never going to stop calling for stupid shit! All he did was stay quiet and that was the end of conversation. I stayed to myself and didnt say anything to him. I wonder why does she call does she just want to hear his voice? Does she know that she makes my stomach feel like there is a knot balling up inside. I hate it especially when its something that can be told by his daughter and im sure it was about the report card something that he could have seen with his own eyes. Now someone please tell me why does he give this women so much respect? She has screwed him in everyway that she can. she has called him every name in the book and she has emailed and text me along with her sisters the most rudest and disrespectful things and he knows that mostly everytime we argue it has to do with her. So please why does he continue to do this?
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Several Reasons
After several postings about this very same topic from MANY women and the men in their lives, there are various reasons that they do it:
*Guilt
*Doesn't want to 'make waves'
*doesn't care enough about her to fight with her
*doesn't have the balls to stand up to her
*afraid she will start trouble for the kids
Ladies, it's early and my coffee hasn't kicked in yet, so please feel free to add any that I forgot!
The bottom line here is that YOU don't like the feeling that it leaves you with when HE runs to the phone when she calls, right?
So the answer is, it has to stop. He is putting you second- behind her. And you, and his WIFE, do not deserve that placement.
Period.
I was right there with you. And then I had enough. Same scenario. The kids were all older (teens) and she would call him EVERY DAY to prattle on about anything she wanted. It was all about attention and neediness.
She left him. She screwed around on him and then screwed him in the divorce. She was just horrible to him (just like yours). She continued to be absolutely horrible to him, me, and his girls to THIS DAY, and yet he would still answer her calls. WTF????
I mean I didn't even call him at work because I respected his time and yet she would call him over 5 times a day. Even his secretary thought it was f'd up!
So finally I had it. I told him flat out, "If you want to have a relationship with your ex-wife or me, decide TODAY. If it is your ex, then I will gladly divorce you and the two of you can live dysfunctionally ever after. But if it is me, then the phone calls will STOP TODAY. When you answer her beck and call, you hurt my feelings and make it seem like you WANT to have a relationship with her instead of me and I will no longer tolerate it.
"If she calls- do not answer. Let it go to voicemail. If it is an emergency, she will leave a message. If it is not an emergency, do not call her back. The girls can handle non-emegerency matters. All other matters can be handled by email.
"Tell your secretary not to put ANY phone calls from her through to you- you are always on another call or in a meeting."
And guess what happened? The frequency of phone calls slowed down- dramatically. I guess once she realized that she didn't have DH to entertain her craziness anymore, she gave up and had to find someone else to "play with".
If it bothers you that much (as it did me), maybe it's time to have that little "heart-to-heart" with your DH!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
See that is the problem I
See that is the problem I have sat down numerous times and spoke with him about this because before it was worse before she would call him at work ONLY. and he would answer. never does he answer the phone to her in my face. The only reason why he answered the phone yesterday was because he wasnt sure if it was his daughter or not. But yet he wants when my sons father calls for me to just hang up on and not even hear what he has to say. He even sent my sons father a text one day telling him not to call or text my phone at all. And one day I had to talk to my sons father about my son going to new york for xmas and I told my sons father when you have the ticket information just text or call my phone and he told me no that he respected what DH had said. So at least he has some kind of respect. UNLIKE BM she showed up at my house to pick up her daughter when DH and I were not there. SD was on DH's time and she was not suppose to go with her mother because she was with her dad for the week. My sister was watching SD and My son. And can you believe this woman got away with it!!! you would think DH would have called her and told her off but he didnt like usual and im just getting so tired of it.
I had this same problem
and I had to get my super b*tch on! I had a complete psycho screamfest at him and said, "No more!!!" He tried to argue...I fought harder. He tried to reason...I screamed more. I fought tooth and nail and made it perfectly clear that I wasn't going to take any more. So thinking that was settled, we went on our merry way...and you know what? It happened yet *again*. This time I was beyond angry...like what is the word for that? i don't know but i was it.
But instead of being crazywoman again I just got all serious and said, "Do whatever you feel you want...." and that was it. Very cryptic and non-threatening. But I also made it clear to him that if he wants to behave however he wants, i will do the same (he's afraid I will leave or cheat). So I put that little thing in his head that if he can do what he wants so can I (read:leave). Once he really, truly *got* that I was absolutely deadly serious about this matter, he changed his tune immediately. I haven't had one, not one, episode of bm interrupting us. Now perhaps when he's at work she's calling him...I don't know...I don't check his phone. But I do know that on *my* time she doesn't...and he's at least respecting me in that way...and that's a start.
I asked DH this morning
Why it was that BM had left us completely alone, and since when, because she used to call him ALL THE TIME. Sometimes it was about SD (although, since DH doesn't get hardly any visitation, he has no real input) but when I was deployed it was to cry about how she wasn't happy with her new husband.
DH figures it stems from SD's life insurance policy. For six years, he paid for a life insurance policy for SD (possibly one of those Gerber baby types) because it was just part of his insurance bill. He was thinking about switching it, and called up the insurance company. He was not the owner of the policy, and couldn't cancel, increase, decrease, anything. So he told them he wouldn't be paying it anymore, here's the phone number and address of the beneficiary. She called up screaming about how "that was for SD!" and he told her flat out that it was something tying the two of them together and he didn't want to have ANYTHING other than SD tying them together.
That was in July. BM has not called a single time, and lets her husband answer the phone when DH calls to talk to SD. DH and I get along well with him - he's a good man. What he sees in BM, I don't know, but if he's happy... *shrug*
Like everybody has said, it's the BP who is the key to controlling the relationship.
~Trish