Next time I’ll go alone
I texted DH yesterday to see if he wanted to go out for dinner. I had a desire for a specific dish. We went. He handled it well at the restaurant (thank you for inviting me out, this is nice, quick kiss). When we got home unbeknownst to me this was a huge declaration of my love for him and he was all gushy about it. Hm. Okay, what's up.
A renewed push for us to sleep in the same room. He's trying some stuff but it's not working well. He said that we should try sleeping in the same room again and if I am falling behind in sleep he will go in the other room, but he thinks it's important for our marriage that we sleep in the same bed/room. My response was that I should never have to "get behind" in my sleep. And he knows I was behind in sleep for seven years before I said I'd sleep elsewhere and he said he'd do it but then made it a big sad show and started asking when I'd let him back in the room. I didn't kick him out and he can come back in but I will sleep elsewhere.
WTF? We know couples who sleep separately and are going strong. And what about other parts of the marriage? What about proudly taking care of your wife and marriage by making this work? I get that it's not the traditional way to sleep but no one knows all the ways people handle their relationship.
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I have a hard time falling
I have a hard time falling asleep, even taking unisom, and DSO falls asleep quickly and then will start breathing loudly or snore. I have slept in the spare bedroom so much that its normal. This doesn't affect our relationship. DSO feels guilty but it is what it is and I sleep better without his snoring.
Compromise?
I get he wants to sleep in the same room. I do get that concept. But it sounds like he probably has underlying medical issues which also effect your sleep. Have you talked about him getting a sleep study and maybe a sleep apnea machine to help with the issue and then trying co-sleeping.
I get it. Most people on this board are my way or the highway about everything. But that's not fair in a marriage. He's telling you what his needs are, and you know yours. Now this is a time I would consider trying to work to meet both of your needs.
I was just going to that
I was just going to that about the underlying medical issue! If his snoring is that bad, he should be seen by a doctor. However, I must say, if he needs a sleep apnea machine, I'm pretty sure THAT would drive OP to a separate bedroom in and of itself. From what I understand, those things are LOUD and scary-looking.
Sleep apnea machines are not
Sleep apnea machines are not loud and scary. At most, they provide white noise.
Obviously, whether something
First, I said they are "loud" and "scary-looking." Obviously, whether something is "loud" or "scary-looking" is a matter of opinion, which is subjective. I was just stating my opinion of them. While you may disagree, you don't get to decide what's scary-looking or loud to me. lol. What I meant by "scary-looking" is that they remind me of someone on a ventilator in the ICU. When I first walk in and see someone on a ventilator, I find it disconcerting.I find seeing images of someone wearing a C-PAP mask the same. Llikewise, what is one person's "white noise" is "loud" to another person. My DH loves to sleep with the tv on, but I cannot, so that, too, is a matter of subjective opinion. I get it that you do NOT find them either "loud" or "scary" (to the extent "scary" (your word) may be different than "scary-looking.") Duly noted! lol. However, for the reasons I stated, I do. Thanks for the fun discussion.
He came in wearing something
To monitor it and said he's seeing someone about a procedure. Okay. I asked if the monitor helped and he said he didn't know. Um, then why use it? He had one study that showed it's not sleep apnea. I'm surprised. But that was also used to tell me I'm too sensitive. Sure. Let's go with that. I'm sensitive to snoring. Doesn't mean I have to just suck it up and die early from lack of sleep.
Has he gone to the doctor to
Has he gone to the doctor to address his snoring? He could have sleep apnea for all he knows and that is very dangerous. Is he taking steps to try to remedy this issue? If he stopped playing victim and focused on his health and being a better partner to you, he may stand a chance of this lasting and being a healthier marriage all around.
He can start by getting himself checked and you setting boundaries to his nonsense.
This is a tough issue, some
This is a tough issue, some people feel very strongly about sharing the marital bed - BUT, in this case, you have left because his snoring keeps you awake and nothing has changed in that area, so why would you come back?
I'm not sure what the end game is here for you - I don't think he can be who you hope he can be.
Emotionally mature and not needy?
I agree, I don't think he can be those things since he doesn't see them as a source of the issues.
A non-sleeping opinion
My H and I here are hashing some issues out here, too. The effort to make change that I can start trusting is gonna be large. H is already bellyaching about how I'm not being sensitive to HIS feelings and HIS intentions. I told him it is the emotional version of getting hit by a truck he was driving and then he comes back around, after offering me a teensy bandaid, to complain that I dented his truck.
When a person does that, it makes the one who got hit by the truck doubt their view of what unfolded.
Dinner should have been dinner. Period. No pushing for extra from you. He should have been grateful for (I'm assuming...) one more chance to show you something that didn't make you want to wash your hands of him and run for the hills.
Myself, IDGAF if he turns blue and convulses in his sleep as he snores. You need some damn space, and he is encroaching. Period. He is encroaching on so much more than just physical space.
I'm sorry you aren't seeing the respect you thought would be there as you attempt to be kind and reasonable, still.
^^This^^
Exactly. Dinner was dinner was dinner. Not an invitation to push for me to capitulate to a desire of his that is detrimental to my health and wellbeing.
If he wants to sleep with you that bad
He should seek medical help. Not doing nothing to solve the problem. But putting you on the spot.
My parents had separate
My parents had separate bedrooms for 30+ years. Dad needs a firm mattress and is an early bird (farmboy). Mom needed a softer mattress and was a night owl. In NO way did it diminish their love and devotion to one another.
My DH and I have separate bedrooms. We work different shifts. He gets home around midnight. I always wake up, but can usually go right back to sleep because.. separate bedrooms. DH does his after work wind down (a little tv or playing Civilization) and goes to bed around 2:30-3am. I get up at 4:30am.
We occasionally take a nap together (DH naps, I snuggle), but simply cannot sleep together. DH is a very restless and 'violent' sleeper who uses an entire queen-size bed. He tosses and turns like a rag doll in the dryer. I cannot tell you how many times I've been awakened by a kick or him rolling over and flinging his arm (resulting in kidney punches, arm bruises, a couple of black eyes...).
IMO, anyone who NEEDS to sleep in the same bed has some other issue(s) that should be discovered/addressed.
There are separate issues going on here.
I'm not a fan of your H, but that's for another day.
Regarding the sleep issues, been there done that. My DH's snores - LOUDLY. Back when I took Ambien, it wasn't an issue. But when I stopped, I found myself driven our of our room and suffering from sleep deprivation.
Because DH and I are emotionally mature adults (sorry, there I go throwing snark at your SO), we addressed the problem using logic. He saw his doctor, who referred him to an ear, nose, and throat specialist. The ENT doc examined him, ordered imaging of DH's sinuses and a sleep study. DH spent a night at a sleep study center, hooked up to machines and monitored. He also had a CT scan done.
The data revealed that my DH had severe sleep apnea, explaining why he never felt rested no matter how much "sleep" he got. His sinuses and nose were a mess, with polyps and a deviated septum. So, DH had outpatient surgery to remove the polyps and fix his septum, and was prescribed a CPAP machine. With the structural problems fixed, he breathes better. With the CPAP, he sleeps better. There are a variety of CPAP machine out there, and the tech has advanced, making them both smaller and quieter. As a PP said, it's a soft white noise and doesn't bother me.
Tell your man to see a doctor and fix his snoring if he wants you back in his bed. Tell him undiagnosed/untreated sleep issues KILL people. Reggie White, who played defense for the Green Bay Packers, died at only 43 due to sleep apnea.