There's a first for everything

I've never done this before. I've thought many times about venting my frustrations in writing somewhere, but couldn't imagine who would give a hoot. So tonight, out of sheer desperation, I Googled "stepmother support", found this site, and here I am.

I married DH 6 years ago at the age of 36. He came with joint custody of 3: SS12, SS7 & SS5. DH told me the day we met that he'd had a vasectomy and didn't want more kids. I thought long and hard about giving up the opportunity to "have my own" children (I've never given birth) but I was sure he was "the one" and i was deeply in love with him. I explained to DH that the only way I could feel content about forfeiting my right (is it a right?) to bear children of my own was if he could agree to co-parent with me - empower me to "mother" the children God had placed in my life - his children. He was delighted and agreed wholeheartedly. He even told me that he thought of me as their mother. At first, this arrangement worked beautifully. The children accepted me and DH was graciously inclusive.

BM, aka BFH (bitch from hell), was a totally different animal... Literally from the day we first met she was hostile, critical, and expressed her vehement opposition to my existence. Jealous doesn't begin to describe the dysfunctionality in this woman. She chronically verbally, emotionally and physically assaulted the SKs and harassed them into telling her about the goings-on in BDs house. She broke in to our home, and harassed me to the point of being granted a restraining order against her. Particularly illustrative of her behavior was when SS5 said to me, "Mom says that if I tell you I love you it's the same as telling her I hate her." I'm no psychiatrist, but Im certain she has Borderline Personality Disorder with Depression and Narcissism. If you don't know what that means, look it up or just trust me, it's not a good thing.

The result of 6 years of her unrelenting badmouthing of me, undermining our parenting, sabotaging our efforts in family and individual counseling, emotional abuse of the SKs has produced some difficult teenagers. I can't tell you when they "turned" on me... It was a gradual unraveling. My actions that were once interpreted as loving and attentive were now viewed by SKs as overly strict and unwanted. DH tried valiantly to support me and hold our family together but it was no match for BFH. He couldn't un-do the damage she'd done and his constant fear of loosing them to her, emotionally or legally, was too much for him to bear. The result? DH "sided with" the kids and has marginalized my role to mere roommate status. I'm no longer "allowed" to enforce house rules ("why are you always micro-managing the boys?") I can't discipline them ("you're going to make them hate you and they'll never want to come over to our house.") and my attempts to encourage DH to enforce rules and discipline are rebuffed with, "they're teenagers, what do you expect?".

I expect you, DH, to exhibit integrity by fulfilling your pre-marital promise of co-parenting with me thereby making my sacrifice "worth it". I expect you to demonstrate confidence in your children's love for you and in my ability to parent effectively. I expect you to be courageous when faced with your fears of rejection by your children. I expect you to respect me and love me more than this.

Inneedofgrace's blog
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I... Cannot begin to tell you

I... Cannot begin to tell you how much I want to give you a hug and kick your DH in the shins. This is not okay, and you don't have to stand for it. I would tell you to leave but easier said than done. If that is not an option, couple's therapy is something you should definitely look into.

This was not what you signed up for and you have no obligation to stay. Your story is the one I dread most--your husband losimg sight of his promise to you and now you live in limbo.

My heart goes out to you and hopefully some more experienved members can give their advice.

Thank you. Your kindness is

Thank you. Your kindness is a blessing

Thank you for your empathy.

Thank you for your empathy. Your comment leads me to want to clarify something... I never asked nor intended to replace the BM. My agreement with DH was to co-parent. I read that Jada Pinkett-Smith referred to herself as the "Bonus Mom" of husband Will Smith's children. That resonated with me and the concept shaped my thinking that stepparents don't intrude on a family or replace a parent, they augment th family and bless children with another loving adult to shepherd them through life.

I just placed an Amazon order

I just placed an Amazon order for both books and look forward to reading them. Thanks for the advice.

I had a similar rough patch

I had a similar rough patch with SS13... for the last yr has been rough... I felt him slipping away at times and resenting me for enIorcing rules... I love this kid whole heartedly but some arguments got so ugly I had to leave for fresh air. I finally told DH enough was enough... for all I did and do for SS it wasn't fair that he was going to challenge my authority (on eveything) and that DH wasn't going to back me.... I told him by not stepping in that he validated SSs behavior... I did at one point have to tell him that we would be on the short track to divorce and he and I didn't work on communicating and figuring out how to make this work... DH and I do have BS2 and I told him that I didnt want SSs behaviors to rub off on BS... sadly with siblings its contagious particulary when there is a BFH stirring the shit pot. Be strong...lay it out for DH and really know where your line in the sand is... the love and sacrifice you put into your marriage doesn't warrant the treatment he is giving you....

Hi and welcome! I'm sorry to

Hi and welcome! I'm sorry to hear how you are hurting. I can relate to virtually everything you have shared and my relationship did not survive it.

Yes, these dads live in almost constant fear of losing the affection of, and the time with, their children. They often bear much guilt for not seeing their kids every day, especially when they are not the custodial parent and even more so if they are the ones who initiated the break up with the BM. The irony is that the fear is usually baseless - it takes a lot for a kid to stop loving their parent. But as my SD12 said to me one day: "I have to forgive him - he's my Dad. But I don't have to forgive you for anything."

We often feel we have a lot to contribute in helping our mate become the best parent they can be. After all, we have the gift of objectivity. But, sadly, most of these dads hear constructive suggestions as criticism of their parenting or as deliberate and unwelcome interference.

You describe kids that are in an extreme loyalty bind. Unfortunatley, you cannot solve that alone. There are only two solutions. The mother releases them from it. Or Dad shows solidarity with you and the kids get the message that what they do to you is the same as doing it to their father.

As for me, I could have tolerated alot if he had simply acknowledged and shown compassion for the crap that was brought into my life simply because I loved him. Simply feeling apprecation for what we endure because of our love for these men would go such a long way.

You may wish to read about disengaging. I wish I had done more of it, if not to save my relationship, then at least to have saved myself some pain.

This is a great site. I found it comforting to find there are others out there with similar challenges and frustrations but also with great insight and ideas. Lots of hugs to you, Grace.