She was just being honest.

Let me start this my saying my boyfriend's oldest is very matter of fact. She's a wonderful child and I love her and her brother greatly. That being said,

My boyfriend and I were finishing putting the children to bed while he and I were playing a little like we always do. The little one comes to my defense and says something along the lines of “because she's a parent.” Which made me really happy. The oldest then says “She's not. She's not even a step parent.”

My boyfriend didn't quiet catch it but he caught my mood change and the behavior change in the kids so he asked what was said. He then asks what she meant. She says “well your not married and you probably won't be for a long time.”

We finish with bedtime hugs and kisses and I get out of there. We talk a bit and of course my boyfriend can tell I'm really upset but trying not to let it get to me. I know she didn't mean to hurt me. It took a little while for me and her to bond but she has never been a rude or mean child. She's actually said before that I'm “like a mom”.

Without my asking he slips back to their room to talk to her. We're snuggling for a bit after and he confirms that the girl was just stating facts. He then goes on to add that he talked to her and explained she'd hurt my feelings and about how I've been helping him care and raise them since we met.

While he helped me feel better by him acknowledging the role I play I kind of wish he hadn't said anything to her. I mean I know she needs to understand how her words can hurt but she was just stating facts and I don't ever want her to feel like she shouldn't be honest.

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Be glad he went back and talk

Be glad he went back and talk to her about her words. So many parents don't take the time to correct their children but he did. Yeah, it stung, but you'll get over it soon enough and she will have learned one of many life lessons concerning her mouth.

No he really is a good dad.

No he really is a good dad. That's one of the things that bothered me about their mother. She wanted to try and say he wasn't. This is the first time something like this has happened. I just don't want her to feel bad about being honest. I know she didn't mean it to hurt but yes you're right she does need to understand it did and there's no other way.

Same thing with MY Toxic High Conflict GUBM

She is ALWAYS trying to make my DH out to be the absolute worst father. Meanwhile, he pays for everything, he takes them out places, movies, parks, festivals. He spends quality time with them. But somehow he still remains the worst. Ive always hated that. And as a girlfriend who just recently turned into a wife, I can tell you that yes, the status is different. especially in a childs eyes. They have a tough time understanding the different roles that the adults who are in relationships with their parents.

Before marriage, Munchkin SD12 would call me her "guardian" as in protector. I looked out for her, comforted her when mom was upsetting her with all her different boyriends, gave advice, made sure she was safe, comfortable and happy. Now, I am "helicopter step mom", and I basically do all the same things.

One thing that I have learned, and am trying to pass on to Munchkin is that whole concept of, when you tell the truth to someone: 1. is it kind? 2. Is it really true? 3. Will it help them?

Thats what teaches kids how to conceptualise things better. That is what your boyfriend was trying to give his children.

Why

Why helicopter step mom?

Sort of a joke

Sort of. BEFORE being in the Stepmother role, I was "just the girlfriend". That was made clear by Feral Eldest, and the HC GU BM. Just the girlfriend. Forget that I acted out of love to help and protect kiddo, bought her clothes, cooked and cleaned for her when she was younger, took her to the park, played, took her to museums, played, spent time with her in converstation. The role was very UNDEFINED by society standards. When her friends at school would ask who I was as I dropped off/ picked up from school and activities, she would have to explain that I was "her fathers girlfriend, and yes we live together and yes, I do things for her, a LOT". Now its simply a matter of saying "shes my step mom", and be done with it.

And the joke is, that NOW, somehow I have more AUTHORITY and actual PERMISSION to be concerned about her washing herself, her grades, you know, whatever MOTHERS do that girlfriends dont.

And to a larger extent its somewhat true. As a wife, I have a bigger investment, because thats my future too. I joke with her that she will now be taking care of BOTH of us in our old age...hahaha

Ouch.

That had to sting. It sounds like you are very emotionally invested in the children and care a great deal about them. It's amazing when someone decides to step up and be the best influence they can be for the children involved. You also have the maturity to know that while it hurt, the intent wasn't to be hurtful- that takes a lot.

Honestly, there's probably no better way to handle this situation. He corrected the issue by explaining that, even though true, what was said was hurtful. It sounds like he had your back all while still being gentle and understanding to his daughter. I'd say this is a parenting win for sure!

It is good he went and talked

It is good he went and talked to her. Being blunt and matter-of-fact is only “cute” for so long. She will eventually need to learn there’s a time and a place and there are people who don’t have to accept her “facts” as harmless i.e. a future boss or coworker. It’s a learning lesson she needed and at least it was practiced/fixed on you because you’ve already seemed to have recovered and accepted her mistep for what it was-an honest mistake.

In my opinion a parent can be

In my opinion a parent can be anyone who steps into that role.

Has Oldest

been drinking the BM's PASicola or has she always been uncouth?

She's always been very a

She's always been very a matter of fact. It wasn't said in a way that was disrespectful and she is right that we aren't married. We don't really know how to talk to her about why we're not. We've talked privately about going to the court house but that's not the way we want to do it.

She and her brother are always at opposing ends of each other so when he said I was a parent she felt the need to correct him. She was playing and was everyone else.

I've been on the receiving

I've been on the receiving end of that comment before. I don't know why the boys held the view that I wasn't their SM until DH and I were married (I would guess that BM said something, which would be priceless as she would bring boyfriends around the kids to act fatherly while still married to their SF). However, I will say that once we were married, they saw me as a "real" SM then.

Ultimately, I think it is wonderful that your BF said something to her about how her words can hurt. I would not, however, try to change her opinion of you. As hurtful as it may be, she is well within her rights to not think of you as a SM. She still needs to remain respectful and polite (which it sounds like she already is), and anything past that is a bonus.

It's a painful situation, but one that I think you all handled well.

I asked my boyfriend about

I asked my boyfriend about what all he said. He didn't tell her that I was her step mom but explained that I still act as a parent and that's what matters.

We've been up together for a few hours and everything is normal.

My SSs still saw me as a

My SSs still saw me as a parental figure before I was legally SM. It was literally the SM part that they disagreed with, or just didn't see me as such.

If You have a good relationship with her otherwise, my guess is that she sees the world a little more black-and-white. For her, a legal arrangement may be what makes one a full-fledged parent. Ultimately, it isn't about what you're called but how you're treated.

Now, IF she starts being disrespectful and acting like she rules over you, THEN you have a real problem. One that I would correct by showing her how much of a parent you AREN'T to her. No more "fun times" with you. No more favors. If she starts treating you just like another adult in her life, then behave accordingly.