I know I don't post on here very often. I guess I try to deal with things on my own but sometimes I just have to vent. It's nothing new, just the same old frustrations.
EOWknd when we have SD12 I always notice that FH's behaviour changes. He's uptight and on edge with me, and sometimes with SD as well. This past Friday I brought it up to him that every time he walks back in the door from picking up SD, his mood changes instantly. We've talked about it before and he blames it on me, saying that he is only uptight because he is anticipating that I will be tense and edgy just because SD is around. I explained to him that it's a vicious circle because I do feel less comfortable when she's over (not to an extreme, just that I can't relax 100%) but I don't do or say anything negative, but FH picks up on the tension and so gets edgy himself. So neither of us can win and at some point inevitably during the weekend it will all come to a head and we'll argue.

Last time it was about him letting SD participate in fun activities when we were specifically told by her mom that she was supposed to be grounded. There were 2 family birthdays to go to but SD was in trouble at home for not doing her chores and mouthing off to her mom. I knew the parties were important for FH to attend, so I offered to stay home with SD since she was grounded. FH would never let that happen because I don't think he trusts me to be alone with SD, but also he just brushed it off and said she could still come because it was "probably her mom just making stuff up to stop her from having fun over here". Ummm, BM does have her faults but I have never observed her trying to sabotage SD's experiences with her dad. She wants them to have a good relationship (probably so she can get rid of her more often, but whatever). So not only was she not grounded over here (it's rare that he undermines her mom like that but it seems to happen when the discipline interferes with his plans) but she got to hang out with her cousins and stay with her dad several hours past her normal drop-off time, which is even more of a reward for her (she is OBSSESSED with her dad - like almost in a creepy way). FH of course accused me of just wanting SD to be in trouble and not have any fun, and would not hear that following through with grounding SD may have been the right thing to do. There was also a mini-convo about how whenever SD's around FH is not affectionate towards me. He doesn't hold my hand or put his arm around me on the couch or anywhere else. He claims he "just doesn't always think of it" but won't acknowledge that it seems to conveniently only happen when she's in the room.

Anyways, after I explained to FH that the reason I get uptight and feel uncomfortable when SD comes over is not just because of her (though I do have issues with her talking about be behind my back, lying, and just being annoying)but also by my frustration at his changed attitude when she's around and his failure to discipline her because it's not convenient for him. This weekend it was more that he wasn't disciplining her because he wasn't paying attention to her inappropriate behaviour, and once again, he turned it all around on me.

Every time he has SD he takes her (and sometimes me too) to his mom's for dinner and to hang out and play games. I don't mind going because SD is generally better behaved there, but the frustrating part is that if she DOES step out of line, I can't say anything because then I'll have his mom and his grandmother on my case about being too tough on her (which is usually what they do to him when he tries to correct SD in front of them) and FH is usually in a food coma and not paying attention to what's going on at all. The WORST is when we play games. SD is a total poor sport who pouts extremely whenever she is losing and won't shut up about it when she's winning. She also can't physically keep control of whatever she has in her hands, and drops her Domino tiles on the floor at least twice during every round (probably so she can look at other people's tiles while she stoops to pick them up). But, she's going through the awkward clumsy stage, so I find that to be more forgivable. The thing that gets me the most is that she begs to play games with us all, but she doesn't even pay attention to what's going on and has to be reminded it's her turn EVERY time it's her turn. She will get sucked into staring at the TV across the room if it happens to be on (doesn't matter what's on it). I'm a teacher, so after the first time of her not paying attention, my instinct would be to give her a verbal warning, like "You wanted to play this game with all of us, but every time you lose focus and need to be reminded it's your turn, it slows down the game and makes it less fun for everyone. If you're not going to pay attention to what's going on then maybe we shouldn't play". The second time, I'd say "You're still not paying attention to the game. If we need to remind you one more time when it's your turn then we will stop and you can go and play by yourself." and the third time, I'd literally stop the game and send her off to play by herself in another room. However, when I'm playing with FH's mom, grandma, and step-dad who all would take SD's side, I'd be villainized and they would all say it's not so bad and that I should relax (which is what they always do to FH, though in this case he was zoned out watching TV and not paying attention at all). I know that if they did say anything, FH would have my back, because he knows if it's something important enough for me to speak up and stop playing then he would trust me. But then they'd get on his case and in his own words, he'd "never hear the end of it" from them. So I decided it just wasn't worth it. But I get so frustrated that he wasn't paying attention to say something to his kid about paying attention to the game, or stepping in to stop it at all. When I asked him about it later he said that I should have said something, but then when I explained that I didn't want it to turn into a big argument between everyone, he agreed that they probably would have gotten mad at me and then he'd have to step in and then everyone would be fighting, and that's why he didn't say anything either - it wasn't worth the flack he'd get from his mom (she cries sometimes when he disciplines his daughter) so he just kind of tuned it all out. But that just adds to my frustrations with SD and contributes to my feeling tense and not relaxed when she comes over, since I'm wondering how she's going to be annoying with no correction this time.

The last thing I want to complain about today (I swear) is this apparent "body language" shift I have every time SD is over that sends my FH into an uptight edgy mood. I keep telling him that even if my body language bothers him, at least I'm not saying anything or doing anything negative or harmful to SD, and that I keep it inside. But I guess that's not good enough for him. Last night SD wanted to stay over at her grandma's when we were leaving (but of course asked in a baby voice and then started hanging all over her dad acting like a baby). After we left I asked FH why SD was acting like that and he said she probably just felt guilty for not wanting to come home with us since it is his weekend. I said "Well, sometimes she has sleepovers or doesn't even come over certain weekends, she should know we're ok with it." then he said "Well, she certainly knows YOU'RE ok with it." and pretty much blamed me for her not wanting to come home with us. But I didn't say anything or do anything to make her feel unwelcome. I didn't correct her annoying behaviour, and I have a pro poker face, so I know I wasn't giving her dirty looks. He said it's just an energy that I put out there, but that she's probably picking up on it. I'm sorry, how can I control an "energy"? Isn't it enough that I'm kind and composed?

Sometimes he just doesn't get it at all!!