Step-parenting is so unnatural and depressing...
I'm going to boo-hoo for just a second. Skids are spending their 2 week Spring Break with us. They live a few states south of us. The court order is never followed. They just come whenever and I stopped caring about that a long time ago. But I was sitting in a restaurant last night with them at dinner and I found myself incredibly jealous of all the nuclear families around us. How nice it is to just... be a traditional family. Parents who care as much about the children's well being and future as the other.
A few observations: While skids argue over who gets to sit by DH (usually he only sits by me to avoid that argument which I don’t agree with because he should sit by his children as rare as he sees them) and the loser of that argument gets stuck by me. Each new visit is a ‘warm up’ period. The first few days are tepid and they avoid me. They stare at me and watch what I do. They talk about their Mom constantly which is fine, whatever. I know they feel a need to establish their loyalty. I do many things for them but they are there to see their father and I’m just something they ‘tolerate’ during that time. Their Dad appreciates all I do and that's enough. They are never rude or mean but are rarely friendly. I have no issues with their behavior. I don’t perceive this as any ones fault. It’s just the nature of this puzzle piece family that doesn't quite fit. By they time they leave, they will have just warmed up and it will be sad to watch them go.
I just kept thinking…this is weird. That is HIS family. And when my kids are with me, he’s probably thinking ‘That’s HER family’. He spends every other week with my kiddos though. There’s no warming up period. They love him when they walk in the door. We have finally, for a time, found ourselves on the good side of step-parenting (mostly because BM moved away) but I realize no matter how things are, it never feels like it did when my kids had both parents or when someone went out to dinner with us and cared as much as I do about my kids and vice versa. Divorce is completely unnatural and nothing has showed me this side of it as much as being a step parent. We're all just faking it.
It made me sad.
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Yup. Lotta truth here. And
Yup. Lotta truth here.
And for some reason, it seems like Stepdads often are more easily accepted by their SKids.
oh sweetpea no!!!! the poor
oh sweetpea no!!!! the poor thing - i wonder if animal control could have done a 'welfare check' on it. might want to look into that for next time, i'd also advise them if it happens frequently. then u can can drive on past with a clear conscience and let them deal with it.
please consider this - i'm such a fur-lover i cant help it
You are completely right. It
You are completely right. It is unnatural and depressing. My psuedo step kids would always hold hands with their dad and walk in front of me. Or they would sit next to him in the movies on a different aisle than me or ask me to not go to the dinner I had planned and I would always think this feel so not like a family
You know, some of those
You know, some of those families you sawill may have been step families. Some steps families really do work.
Anyone who saw my family having dinner after my son's college gradation last spring may have assumed we were an intact, extended family. NOPE, my mom, dad (step), sister,BIL, nieces,nephews (intact family)exDF,DS23, his dad, his SM and I all sat together and had a grand ole time.
I can count on one hand the number of people in my life (outside of my family)who knows that my dad is my stepfather. As a matter of fact, the only time I use the term step is when I'm posting here
I would agree. And it's much
I would agree. And it's much easier to believe we are a family with my boys because DH is in the comfortable position of having their respect. They really adore him but I can see a distance on both parts that would be unnoticeable to the untrained eye. But there's as huge gap for me. And it has to do a lot with being a step mom instead of step dad with a BM who previously was very high conflict and the timing of rarely seeing them doesn't help.
I feel solely responsible for my kids anyway. I get up with them in the morning. I take them to the doctors. I make sure DH is never responsible for watching them. They are my children. So even if you're married, you still feel like a single parent, which is fine. It's the nature of divorce. I just was longing for that short time when my family was nuclear (without AT ALL missing my actual ex husband as a person).
I was just thinking the same
I was just thinking the same thing.. you just never know. BS5 had a birthday party to go to this weekend for one of his classmates. when he got the invitation, I text the RSVP # (it didn't give a name or anything so I had no clue who I was texting):
Daizy: Hi this is Daizy, BS5 mom, he will be coming to the party! What are some things little girl likes, so we can be sure to get her something good?
Response: Hi this is, Jill, little girl's step mom, glad BS5 can come.....
Right away my mind started swirling...hmmm SM throwing a party?? What gives? lol
Funny thing is? If she wouldn't have told me she was the SM? I never would have known. At the party, SM, Dad and little girl just looked like a happy little (nuclear)family.
Did you throw that sweater
Did you throw that sweater away }:)
It's truly a vow we make each
It's truly a vow we make each time... I so understand that feeling.
It is sad, isn't it? We
It is sad, isn't it?
We are not a parent to these kids. I think it's the term, Step Parent, that sets the mood and misunderstanding. At least for me it does. Parents have rights. Step Parents don't (sometimes not even in our own homes!). Yet we have a whole list of expectations placed on us by society and "others". Some steps even place expectations on themselves and "parenting" kids that are not ours!
In general terms, this is the origin of stepfather/stepmother:
"Before the year 800, stepfather/stepmother meant "one who becomes a father/mother to an orphan," and stepson/stepdaughter meant "an orphan who becomes a son/daughter by the remarriage of a parent."
Now, that makes way more sense to me! It's something I can wrap my brain around.
I've been at this 1st family gig for over 10 years and have never been comfortable with the term step parent. My DH's oldest called me her stepmom once and we both felt really uncomfortable! LOL So, the kids aren't comfortable with it either! And why would they? They have two parents and don't NEED or want a 3rd or 4th!
I've had a couple good conversations with my DH's girls. The best one is when they were 9 and 11. They said they didn't know how to treat me or what to call me because their mom was afraid of me (I know what they meant) and they didn't want to be disloyal to her. What a horrible predicament they were in! I simply acknowledged their feelings and told them to treat me like they would an aunt and that it's okay. I'm not your mom. You already have one!" Man, did their little faces look relieved!
Anyway, that's my thoughts on this. I hope I said something that resonates with you.
Although our main issues were
Although our main issues were with BM and her vindictive, PASing and money-hungry behavior, we never truly "blended."
I still felt like a single mother. DH was usually pretty strict with his kids but he was super strict with my son (I should not have allowed that). When he would allow the skids to do things that he was upset that my own son did, that really bothered me.
We needed to communicate better. He was concerned that the skids would think that he had a "replacement" kid in my DS. He also felt like I was too lenient so he needed to be the disciplinarian. I was lenient because I have health conditions made worse from stress. I really picked my battles. As long as my son was making As and Bs and coming home within 5 minutes of curfew, I didn't get on his case about if he chose to play video games in his free time. If his room wasn't up to my standards (most of the time), I would just close the door.
Now that all the s/kids are on their own, he is closer to my DS than to his own partially PASed kids. Kind of sad but there was nothing else we can do. I'm just glad that DS and his relationship has improved. FWIW, DH has a lot of regrets as far as how things went when everyone was younger. Me too.
Thanks for sharing your
Thanks for sharing your feelings as well. At least we're all in it together and that helps a lot.