I realized this weekend that perhaps I do have long standing issues with being a step daughter.

Background: My Dad and Mom were only married 6 months and had a terrible, terrible divorce. I can say a lot of this was on my Mom. She PAS'd me bad not only against my father but against all men in general. She never dated after my father. She was 21 when they divorced. So you understand, my mom was 21 when she divorced and NEVER dated anyone seriously again. It was a bad divorce as it stabbing, punching, abusive (mostly on my Mom's side and my Dad's was self defense.) My mom went to jail for it. But she still maintained custody of me. She always told me my Dad didn't even fight for me. It was after she died when I was 25 that I found the court documents stacked away that proved he did.

My dad did remarry, unfortunately to a drunk an an addict who was very good at hiding it and is still a master manipulator. I can't stand to see this woman. The few times I got to see my Dad as a child are riddled with stories about how she treated me. She would get pass out drunk and piss in our camping tent and when we woke up and realized it, she would blame me. Forget the part that I had no history of wetting the bed at all. Christmas was watching others open presents while I got a yellow coat 3x too big for me. That was all.

Eventually after years of having his bank account cleaned out for drugs and binges, he divorced her. They had 2 daughters younger than me. My half sisters. My step mom had a daughter older than me from a previous marriage. My dad never dated anyone seriously after the divorce with my step mom. He's a perpetually single, charming ladies man but never has a serious girlfriend.

My dad took custody when I was 12. It was great. With the help of my grandparents raising me, I was offered opportunities that I never would have had. But I always felt like my sisters were priority. Even my step sister who wasn't his biological daughter. He ended up raising her too. I once shared my concerns with my Dad. And he agreed that he treated them differently because they needed him. He claimed that I came to him as an adult who had already learned how to raise myself from living in a difficult situation. I never asked for anything. I always took care of my business. My older sister did well and married wealthy and doesn't have to work. My younger sisters became addicts who rely on others to get by. None of the 3 have jobs.

My Dad now lives on a yacht and flies in to visit every few months. I am always so excited to see him. I put him on a pedestal. As my only living parent left, I have adored him. Our personalities are so similar and everyone remarks on it. My Dad is highly respected in our family. But I am always his last priority. He's not very close to my kids but adores and dotes on my sisters children. This week, he took them all out to nice dinners (last nights was up to $500 for them to eat as he bragged this morning as I woke up early to take him to the airport.)

He couldn't make time all week to come to my house. We made him a big bowl of chili but he canceled. I work a lot and I work hard for my family. I have busted my butt for everything I have. It's painful to see that he will shower attention, gifts, money on my sisters but has nothing for me. I know I sound petty and jealous but I cried all morning about it after I dropped him off. He called me later to tell me his flight was canceled and he needed a ride back to my grandmother's house. I didn't call back. I feel major guilt but I couldn't stand one more minute of him.

When my half sisters were very little, their mom taught them to call me their 'fake' sister instead of their half sister. It was a painful thing. I suppose I feel very much like a fake sister these days. I never realized how badly this all hurt until I couldn't stop sobbing today and there was nothing anyone can do to make me stop crying.