He wasn't feeling super loving toward your daughter that night. I wouldn't be, either. He may have replied to his own kid, but surely you understand it's easier to forgive your own child's bad behavior. Honestly, you could have let that one slide and be more understanding toward your husband and less defensive of your kid's hurt feelings. The constantly lying hurts his feelings, I'm sure, but you reaffirmed hers while dumping on his. I'm not a great actor and faking the lovey dovies moments after someone betrays my trust isn't my scene, either.

If you go into this pissy about and focusing on his behavior, it won't bode well for the marraige.

I don't think it is fair to expect unconditional love from a stepparent.  It may happen, it may not, and it may take many years.   In my house, we expect everyone to be polite and civil, but do not mandate love. 

He may be concerned that your 14 YO is setting a bad example, or encourging his 12YO behavie badly.

I think you guys need family counselings to listen to everyone's point of view.  He may be convinced your DD was being manipulative.  As an aside, I am not a big fan of deferred punishment.  Better to have less severe consequences, but not weeks later.  

Did you invite your parents before the first incident?  Did you disuss with DH?

I’d put myself in his shoes.  You have an older daughter that is providing a terrible example to his younger daughter, and I totally get that you’re doing something about it, but it doesn’t change the circumstances.  I know you’re a nurse and totally get the long hours, but kids at this age still need supervision, I suggest you find a way to provide it.

1. As the others said, it's way easier to forgive your own kid than your stepkid.

2. I don't love my stepkid, never have and never will, unless he has a major change in personality.

3. You didn't ask advice on this, but it sounds like your punishment for your daughter is too long - she isn't learning anything except how to be more sneaky and to lie better.  A month without any electronics for a 14-year-old girl will just push her underground with her methods of reaching her friends. I get your fear of her getting pregnant, but a better option than all of that homework and waking up at night would be birth control, along with some shorter term consequences for breaking the rules, so that she can meet the expectations and earn her stuff back.

4. You put your daughter's name in the blog, might want to take it out.

I understand why this would hurt your feelings. But I also understandh him. As others have said, it's much easier to forgive your own child's transgressions. He is upset with SD and his DD. But the love he has for them aren't likely to be the same because one is his biokid.

I think as a family you need to find the root of this problem of lying etc and maybe family counseling will also help all involved.

I think men sometimes struggle with emotional conversations, especially if they feel like they are being blamed and the woman wants to “discuss it”. Or at least mine struggles with that. I know that now so I either take space to get calmed down, or I approach him calmly and ready to listen instead of expecting him to make me feel better. Usually works. 

Throwing kids together from 2 different families IS hard. Your not alone. I will add  about loving someone else kids just like your own.

There was a time I thought the same. Someone, somewhere along the line told most all Stepmothers in particular,  that We should love another womans child 'just like our own".  After better understanding and education about biological bonds I know now it is impossible, scientifically impossible.

If this comes up---ask dh "does he love the neighbors kids like his own? IF not, why not". He may say..because they are not his kids.

Bingo....

We can care, nurture, love (or not) but we cant love anyone elses child like our own child.

Good Luck with everything !!

Get the book Stepmonster-read it and share it with DH- blended families take on average 8 YEARS before they hit a sweet spot.  It IS hard-VERY hard.  For both parents and all the kids.  Be patient w/eachother, be forgiving of yourselves and eachother and the real tough feelings that come with this life.  I think wedding vows in a 2nd marriage have even MORE importance then a 1st marriage where raising kids in intact/dysfunctional home is not ideal, it on average is easier then a blended family situation.  

Is there any chance you've pushed his "love" for your daughter? Even in a harmless way? Chances are, he doesn't really love her as he does his own. That's really, really hard to do. And I can tell you from experience, it's hard NOT to act cold when stepkids are doing things that get on your nerves. I kind of understand where he's coming from. Sometimes, SD will be having a bad behaviour day and DH still plays with her/acts lovey and I just can't do the same. She tries to joke with me and all I can think is "are you kidding me? you've been doing XYZ all day... I don't want to laugh with you" 

It's just NOT the same when they're not yours. And for what it's worth, I think you're blowing the whole thing out of proportion - her spending time with this 16 year old boy alone. You need to relax before she gets pregnant just to rebel. Focus on teaching her right from wrong rather than trying to keep her from making mistakes. She may very well have sex, but I can promise you, if that's on her mind, she'll find a way, even if you locked her up in her room 23 hours a day - she'll use that 1 hour out of home to do it lol. 

The thing that really stood out to me in this was your Dh's behavior. He treated your daughter and you in the very same manner. Deliberately withheld as in punishing you both. 

She says "I love you" , he ignores her. You cry, he goes to sleep and ignores you. 

Curious on my part, but from I gathered this is his third wife in like 8 years. I'm thinking the problem isn't the kids (they sound pretty routine) nor was it the ex-wives (in divorce) but moreso the man. He sounds pretty selfish and cold hearted. 

The thing that really stood out to me in this was your Dh's behavior. He treated your daughter and you in the very same manner. Deliberately withheld as in punishing you both. 

She says "I love you" , he ignores her. You cry, he goes to sleep and ignores you. 

Curious on my part, but from I gathered this is his third wife in like 8 years. I'm thinking the problem isn't the kids (they sound pretty routine) nor was it the ex-wives (in divorce) but moreso the man. He sounds pretty selfish and cold hearted. 

Aholes be aholes.  Sometimes they are partners/spouses, children or skids.  Aholes can comes in all sizes, colors and relationships. Just ignore them all.

I don't think you're crazy, I think you've got a lot on your plate & your H doesn't respect you. Not putting his phone down when you're speaking?  No. Not ok.

I'll admit I don't see the big deal in him not saying 'I love you' to your daughter, even if it hurt her feelings.  If she's been misbehaving lately it could be a good thing she's experiencing a bit of coldness, sometimes disappointment from parents can sting more deeply than anger or punishment.

I agree with you that both girls need to have consequences, though obviously different ones.  I think if you're going to teach your DD consequences for her sneaking around they need to be more immediate, waiting until the summer to have her set an alarm etc might not be that effective.  I'd also march her into the health clinic, have the dr discuss all birth control options & make sure she is using some.  You can never be too careful, if she's going to hang around with boys there's a chance she could have sex, so I'd rather she be informed & as best protected as possible.

I really don't think you're crazy.  You're your husband's 3rd wife in a short period of time... pretty sure that indicates there's an issue on his end moreso than yours.

Sometimes children are not lovable. She lied. And then lied again. She enlisted her 12 yr old s/siser in by using her i-pod to continue her little secret game. And some men do not do lying well. "You are nothing but a liar!" Well she is. Sher lied and accepted the party all the while knowing full well she was decieving both of you. Yet you think your DH is a fiend for not saying he loves her back? I have ignored my own daughters and sons when they have pushed me over the edge and I want nothing to do with them. Maybe this is the lesson your daughter needs. You decieve people long enough they lose all trust in you and you drive them away.

Getting all cosy and huggy and letting her think she can do anything and get a punishment then all is happy in HM86-land is not realistic in the real world. Consequences need to be faced and she really showed no acceptance of her loss of electronics because she found a way around it. So what next?

Let your DH parent the way he wants to. If he is so pissed off with your daughter that he doesn't even want to talk to her, she has to accept that rebuff because she 'earned' it. No one died or became a serial killer or ran out and robbed a bank because they lied to their SF and he didn't tell them he loved them. No one.

Let this be a lesson to your daughter. Ignore the rules, lie about your behaviour and you will drive people away. I am on Team Dad with this one.

OK seriously? She is 14 and you want her to get an IUD because she had a 15 yr old boy in your home? Were they dressed? Lying on top of each other? Does she hide hickeys from you?Honey, you need to back off a little. An IUD is the least of your problems and if you think the worst thing that can happen is pregnancy you are deluded. How about STDs? Being with the wrong guy and getting assaulted or murdered? So getting raped will be OK because she won't get pregnant? How about talking to your daughter and not lecturing her?