Who can’t handle what?
The other day, I was thinking about something DH said to me several years ago:
"I don't think you're able to handle being a stepmother -- being married to someone with a child that isn't yours."
That was in the days when he was more hung up on the happy family vision -- one he finally dropped.
For some reason, it popped back into my head. The truth is for me (and probably many of you), it's not that I can't handle being a step. It's that DH couldn't handle being married to someone who isn't his child's mother.
I don't love SS13 the way he does. I don't have that bond or connection. And that's ok with me. It's even normal. But it gets to him that we don't share love and devotion. If SS screws up or acts like a jackass, there's no reserve of love and good feeling for me. Normal. I just bow out and take a breather and leave him to his parent. But I think sometimes it still bugs him that we can't be a full team.
Thoughts?
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My DH is like this too. He
My DH is like this too. He has this ideal of his 'perfect family' with me (not the hang up of me not being their mother).
To this day he wants whatever that is to him. However, he could never let me take an actual parenting role. And a true, well functioning family requires involvement of both parents and agreement of how to parent and supporting the partners decisions. So for us, since that was not possible for DH, there was no cohesive unit.
There is no "book of rules"
There is no "book of rules" for stepparenting. Every situation is different. Some people do end up with that "bonus" situation.. but most people just muddle through it some with better outcomes than others.
I will say that I was not really a maternal type.. and having young kids in my home was kind of like living with aliens at certain point.. lol. But, the name is really a misnomer.. we aren't step "parents".. we are our partner's spouses and co-heads of the household.. which mean we should have a primary say in how things are run in the house.. but it should be the "parent's" responsibility to primarily raise their kids.. even though like all partnerships.. the fact is that we may step in and aid them in things that are their responsibilities from time to time.
Exactly what I told him on
Exactly what I told him on the front end. I like kids fine and, coming from a large family, I do have some experience with them. But I was never, ever going to be SS13's mom. He has one. Overstepping leads to resentment and trouble. My aunt, a very successful stepmom, said her one rule was she never tried to be those kids' mom. That's no guarantee. It helps that Aunt and the "kids" (older than I am) are all pleasant, friendly, easy-going types. But stepping into BM's territory is a mistake.
DH once said something
DH once said something similar to me. I told him "Yeah, you're right. I love you but there's no way I'd sign up for this stepmother role again." I just don't know what they want us to say? The job sucks on so many levels.
ETA: Although to be fair, he's said on many occasions he wouldn't have signed up for the father role, had he a chance to do it all over again so there's that.
Fantasy Mom
My DH86 had a troubled upbringing and didn't live with his mom after about 5yo. I think that's why he has a "fantasy mom" in his mind, something I could never live up to. Fantasy Mom thinks everything his kids do is great. FM gives generously. FM smiles all the time, doesn't get tired, is always ready to go and do. I think you get the idea.
So, yeah, I'm disappointing, too.
I was thinking of this same
I was thinking of this same thing this morning... That my husband always had this vision of wanting to be one big family... "unified". When my step son lashed out at me, however... I was appalled because rather than my husband being mortified about what his son did to me he seemed to kind of take this stance like oh... My poor son who is going through such a tough time... NOT back the heck off from ntimidating my wife.
Then when we got married he wanted his son invited to our wedding celebration and invited him behind my back even though this kids last words to me were to F off. When I asked my husband about this a year after his response was that he "just wanted us unified as a family". So the blinders on... Just thinking everything would be fine. Maybe with an intact family... That has that emotional bond....
I still don't understand how my husband wanted us to all be one happy family but not literally put any real work toward making this happen. (such as conversation.. Apologies... Counselling... Talking about any issues.....)
So what I really don't understand then is... If they want us to be like a real family then why they don't have their kids treat us with respect like a parental figure... Why they'd want us in this position... Like a place filler maybe? To "look" the part only but without any respect?
It's not that you can't
It's not that you can't handle bring a stepmother, it's that he hasn't a clue about what a stepmother actually IS. You are not a surrogate mother, you are his wife.
Exactly.
Exactly.
DH's parents stayed married until his dad died, but he didn't feel super connected to them. Then his first marriage broke up. He knew how important family is to me. I think ge had this image of an ideal family unit. That was never going to happen.
We are all one giant family
We are all one giant family but don't parent MY kid in any way or say anything to them or about them if they act up
I think that sometimes people
I think that sometimes people have a tv sit-com version of stephood in their minds. A Brady Bunch or Modern Family or Step By Step imagine which played great in 1/2 hr time frames but wasn't reality at all.
I read a book about birth
I read a book about birth order and its impact on personality once for a school project. I recall there was a chapter on blended families and I recall the author was very firm in saying that The Brady Bunch was very fictional. In many cases, families with that many kids that close in age would be a recipe for disaster. Not to mention, those kids were all old enough to resist calling the stepparent mom or dad.
I actually knew a blended family that was BB-like -- the kids got on famously and bonded with the steps. But they were rare.
The thing is, pop culture sets stepparents up for failure. Stepmoms in particular. They're either evil or noble and self-sacrificing. Neither is realistic or fair.
I've read a number of things
I've read a number of things on birth order theory, but it doesn't really fit my place in the order. *unknw*
Yep
I heard the same crap from Chef in the early days. I raised two well adjusted productive children to adulthood on my own. Chef can't say the same about his three ferals
The Common Denominator.
I think many of us have a hurtful step statement(s) burned into our brains. Something so ridiculous/egregious/bizarre that it stands out from all the rest of the b.s.
For me, it was shortly after I disengaged from OSD. My DH came home from luch with his sisters/the Coven, who were furious with me for upsetting their dysfunctional apple cart. I asked how things went, and their words started coming out of his mouth. The phrase that stuck with me was being called "The common denominator in all of his problems with his kids". I was flabbergasted at how they had twisted things. I mean, things were broken looong before I came along. DH was a detached dad with little to no relationship with his kids or sisters; HE was the common denominator, while I was the one who'd expended so much emotional labor shoring up his relationships. So as long as I was a doormat cruise director, I was okay, but as soon as I stopped, I became their scapegoat.
That was when I knew I had to disengage from the inlaws as well. They were willing to manipulate DH and drive a wedge in our marriage - dirty pool, indeed. Things have been peaceful since going No Contact, but I'll never forget that accusation.
Mine also once trotted out
Mine also once trotted out the old "you knew what you were signing up for." This from a man who has admitted to me on multiple occasions that, if he had to do it over, he wouldn't have fathered a child. I rubbed his nose in the hypocrisy of that one.
"I don't think you're able to
Yeah a lot of Disneyland dads are like this. Very condescending and delusional about the fact we're inheriting their mess and we have to deal with money/resources flying out the window to another woman's household.
Expectations out of this world as they b*tch and moan about someone doing their or their kids mothers job for them.
Um NO!!!
Step-parenting IS hard (anyone who says otherwise is gaslighting), typically low to no ROI, typically thankless job ... we don't get child support for those kids and we have no rights to those kids and when Mother's Day rolls around those kids will be worshipping their bio mothers no matter how horribly their breeders treat them.
Id be like "you know Bob you're right! I can't handle it any more than you can handle it and I've inherited a MESS!!"
or "Bob seems like YOU can't handle being a father. That kid is yours, you have help from at least two women, and you're still struggling. You're projecting your insecurities on to me so please stop doing that because I'm used to you being more masculine and taking responsibility for your obligations.
*but I'm not married though so take it for grain of salt
Can't handle it? That pisses
Can't handle it? That pisses me off and brings back memories. My SO once said to me "I think maybe you can't handle my situation." Like it was a failure on my part. I asked just what kind of person can handle enmeshment with multiple BMs, kids with extreme emotional and behavioral disorders, in-laws who treat you like something they scraped off the bottom of their shoe because you are the wrong nationality and they are still hung up on BM? Inappropriately flirty female friends, etc. The only person who can "handle" that is someone who HAS to handle it because they are desperate. I am not desperate, and i don't have to handle it. Thank God.
Can't handle it? That pisses
Exatly.
That comment from any bio parent is rude/condescending af.
Dude thinking this comment is going to insult OP to the core (what she's doing or has done for those kids isn't good enough), make her see the "error" of her ways (as a reverse psychology type of tactic), then have her competing against their bio mom as who is going to win the mother-of-the-year 2.0 award.
Like most women are out here chomping at the bits to come deal with these men's construction grade heavy duty baggage.
#delusionsofgrandeur
Yep!
Yep!
SS13 isn't the worst, but he's a selfish, spoiled, entitled kid utterly lacking in charm and social skills. So enmeshed with BM and her family that he's going to be a clone of them. They're well-educated and well off, but also snobbish and awkward.
DH admits often he had to do it over, he wouldn't have helped create SS. (Makes me feel a little bad for SS. If your own parent regrets you.) Sometimes he admits he doesn't like him. Yet, I'm supposed to bond with this kid? When his own bio parents struggle to like him?
At least he's finally given up the fantasy.
Unfortunately, we still sometimes ram heads over my family. My family are nice to him. They give him equal birthday and Christmas gifts. He's not bonded to any of them. So what? From what I can see, he doesn't want to be. He's too attached to BM's enmeshed dysfunction. DH needs to let go of the "Hastings's family will all love and adore SS and give him the aunts/uncles/cousins he doesn't find anywhere else.
Because bio parent
Want to remove the ex insert the new and life keeps going on as before. It's doesn't work that way. First if divorce the ex it wasn't a big happy family. So they are trying to recreate something that wasn't there in the first place, New person doesn't want to live in there old memories.. They want new memories,, ones they help created. No one mostly the new person. Doesn't care about good vacations tge family went on. Or two years a go Christmas Day.
'New Relationship. You must start new. With a product from the old relationship. That's really hard.
'I remember the day I was thinking. My DF and her ex could hop it the car and go to McDonals. Now with her kids we needed a babysitter, phone list. Text number. And the babysitter cost more then McDonals
So they are trying to
100%
Well.... I have never regretted not saying something.
I would say this is one of those things that your SO would have better off having NOT said.
I appreciate your position in your relationship. You have taken a mature, confident, appropriate stand and place in the dynamic. Some kids just are not worthy of that level of engagement and love. Not even from their bioparents much less a SParent who does not have rose colored eye problems.
It is perfectly okay for you to take this position with your SKid and with his dad.
Take care of your.
Translation:
I need you to put up with my horrid guilty non-parenting and my continual kissing of my ex's patoot, then look the other way otherwise I will say "you can't handle being a SM."
Rather than "can't handle" it should be, we won't tolerate.
That should be a total, complete, and unequivocal truth given to shit parents of shit spawn regarding a SParent's engagement.
Marry and turn someone into a SParent, expect to comply with standards or.... GTF out of our lives with your spawn. If we have BKs together, then it will be my way if you do not engage in a far more effective manner than you have done historically in creating your ill behaved under performing failed family progeny.
Unfortunately, even SParents will rarely enforce effective standards for any number of reasons and tolerate their mate to continue what has historically delivered failure.